Recap 56- The Underlords

Finally.

Recap 56. Back to the real order of things.

It was January 5th when I penned the recap from the end of the kingbringer race. 10 fucking months ago! Holy shit. So it’s been almost a year since we played dnd proper. I guess with y’all being that rusty I can’t blame you for the pace of our first session in so long. Mostly I blame Phil for trying to kill out dnd nights but at least he stepped up to give my genius a break for a while. So I can’t rip on him. And his quest was fun even though if I never see a blue and red orb again it will be too soon. Fucking orbs. That’s Boese’s thing. (Cuz orbs are boobs and boese loves boobs)

Ok. So it’s been a year and I get that most of you aren’t as involved in twofortheen as I am. And that you probably forgot what the duck was going on and even who people are.

SIDENOTE/CHALLANGE.

If you know who Rupert is I’ll give you a +1 to your A C but you have to text me right now and no cheating. first one that gets it that doesn’t cheat wins.

End sidenote.

All that being said y’all fucking suck at wrapping up lose ends. What about Fernando? Y’all just gonna leave him high and dry!? What about the relic?! What about the relic you already have been storing? What the fuck are you gonna do with your life?

Time to start really planning a course of action. Pick a side or don’t but pick a ducking path.

At least that’s what I would do.

Regardless it was fun. It was nice being back at the helm of this sinking shit ship yet again. And it was nice to see all y’all laughing and having fun. In typical fashion y’all killed shit. Shit shit. Broke shit and solved some shit. Big ups on the use of the character voice Phil. And big ups to Stewballs who has some big ideas ahead. And dan. You never disappoint in a required roll. Plus tour always down and I love that about you.

With that said.

I love you all.

Come back boese.

Let’s recap!

The day breaks in respite to a beautiful fall morning. You’ve been kinda laying low in respite since winning the race. Hold up in this hostel and being tended to by a very nice old one legged man.

He has prepared 4 place settings with hot coffee, whiskey, pancakes, bacon, and of course....... meatflap omelets. Y’alls favorite.

Dicktoes starts the conversation by trying to convince you all that he should shit in this guys mouth to make his leg grow back. This super solid logic leads to a plethora of ideas in which “like a unicorn in a china shop” dicktoes decides to leave a styrofoam container (didnt know they had styrofoam in twofortheen) full of unicorn shit.

So we are off to one hell of a start.

SIDENOTE kinda.

Other than playing the game with ulrich and doing some heavy drinking at Jenny’s place y’all have been quite tame. I Chalk this up to you being in a somber mood after the passing of victory. OR we can be less sentimental and probably more realistic in saying that it’s just an extended hangover after the battle wagon race after party. Ally d is still confused as to why his b hole hurts but he’s happy to not be covered in piss for a change. Dicktoes is still working on being more than friends with Jenny but that shit ain’t moving. And ulrich has been in and out of the hostel house doing deals with his dwarven brethren who are in respite.

SIDENOTE REAL

no one gave me a “plan” for respite. So I’m just gonna day you don’t have one.

End.

Everyone got a letter (kinda weird don’t ya think) telling them of some kind of party, hero’s quest, or fecal deposit request (par for the course really).

You choose to head out toward TIST to save Ariahalliah WHICH is Ulrichs letter.

SIDENOTE.

I have to admit I’m surprised Aldabra is didn’t go over and over about how this was a trap. I guess there is still time.

Heading back to your rooms you see all of your shot is gone. And you also see broken has traveled onto a new adventure.

Brohem is off to a meeting of the counsel of the rotten tree. He’s heading to the OG and said the whistle probably wouldn’t work. He also said he doesn’t like saying goodbye so he won’t and hopes the gods allow y’all to cross swords again.

SIDENOTE

I like that he chose cross swords cuz it shows what an impact y’all have had on him cuz he made a joke about penis and gay sex in a heartfelt goodbye to y’all.

End.

You all notice that there is some gooey blue footprints on the ground going in and out of the hallways and rooms and a small struggle near the empty space wheee ulrich s pack was. Bitey is gone but he didn’t go out without a fight.

The blue goo gives Aldannis a flashabck to his and ulrich dynamic doucheo debacle of a quest getting troll blood for 2 wizard junkies. He is transported to under the bridge where it was jam packed with goblins all covered in a sticky blue goo.

Fucking goblins.

SIDENOTE.

Y’all follow the trail out of town. (You tired time pay the man with one leg. You didn’t ask his name. You didn’t inquire anything from the townsfolk, you did ZERO investigation and just followed the blue goo.  You didn’t even take the relic with you.  What the ducking fuck man.

End.

So you follow the trail until you get to a large river.

The river has cut a 20ft deep canyon and made 4 caves in the ground below.

Aldannis wants to freeze the heavy flow river. He can’t. Water is moving too fast.

Sprinkleshits has an idea that he covets to the squad in his brand spanking new English accent.

The plan is to have ulrich float while holding onto sprinkleshits tail (dangerous) while Aldannis holds onto ulrichs feet acting like a shitty lure for the goblin party or recon on the caves.

Aldannis gets bit by a flying fish and takes poison damage to his foot. It’s already swelling.

Yikes.

One cave has cold air blowing out. One has heat.

(Found the orbs spawn points)

And one has nothing special

One has goblin voices combing out of the darkness.

He gets off the ulrich ride at the meatflap of the cave that has the goblin voices. As do ulrich and dicktoes.

The cave is muddy as fuck. It’s a slough getting through it. Y’all run into an ORIS. Dicktoes knife noses the fuck outta him (catcher was the man hahahahahahahahahahahaha)

Aldannis just decides to kick it. He fails. But not the critical fail where he would have lost the foot completely.

And then it’s ulrichs turn..... for 45 mins.

After a thousand attacks the oris dies. There is nothing left. In fact it’s kinda disturbing. It’s like shooting a fly with a shotgun and then stabbing it with a machete and then pouring acid on it and then fucking the hold the acid made and then setting the whole ducking place on fire.

Calm down bro.

Y’all then run into the mass of goblin crew and see bitey all tied up.

You make very quick work of the goblins at least the ones you know about. And “save” bitey.

Now your underground in a cave with bitey. Miles from home. And no one knows where you are.

God I hope there isn’t some insane being here that wants to kidnap you for life cuz of some wrong you did them and this was all just a trap all along cuz y’all ain’t never gonna get rescued. No amber alert is gonna save you ducks. Your so far away from anything.

Oh well.

See ya next week.

-back to The Underlords