All Recaps

ALL RECAPS
 

RECAP 1

Well, Well, Well...................

You have gotten yourselves into a real pickle haven't you...

The four of you began this journey by waking up hung over as shit in a closet. Ulrich was tied up with some magic rope, he didn't complain about it either which means he may have asked for it when he was drunk...??? who knows...

The closet told us a few things..

1. AlDannis has matches now, but don't count on him when shit hits the fan cuz he cowered in the dark corrner like Colin when he was too high to answer the phone in 214.

2. Ulrich may have some healing piss.....it did wake up lil dicktoes form his passed out almost absent state...... maybe he will have to piss on more faces to see if it will do anything...

3.  Rolen seems to be the brave one in the bunch, he at least knocked on the door. And seemed to lead the way in most cases.... Can we count on him to lead the way always....is that a problem for any of you???

4.  All of you penis bags can see in the dark which means the caves you were going to have to go in during the next arch are now changed to sun rooms...very bright sun rooms....

Finally after a long ass time you decided to knock on the damn door where once you came down the stairs you meet RON. A Kingpin like character. Well dressed, and powerful as shit. You find out he is a bit of a brewer himself....only his brews are maybe not for the drinking lot..... y'all didn't try it so we may never know.

You also met Little Bill and Big Bill who were wearing mirror aprons that looked dope as shit. A mirror apron is a sign of servitude to a powerful leader.... Little bill is the one who cut Ulrich's magic rope and he seemed pretty on the level. Big bill didn't say a word.

Rolen trips on his fucking face trying to hold it together as a show to RON who doesn't buy it.

After finding out that you drank, smoked, and fucked everything possible in RONS bar the previous night and that you were only locked away for your own protection against yourselves you also find out you killed PESKA who just so happened to be Ron's delivery driver. Ron wasn't so upset as he didn't like that "big headed mother fucking dumb ass techno listening docuhe."

So Ron says he will even the score if you deliver some scary ass looking shit  to somewhere...... Little Bill and Big Bill hop on a fire horse and roll out of town leaving burned hoof prints in the grass land path for you to follow

Along the path you find little bill who dies from his wounds... ONLYDONGS man, them bithces is brutal. You made quick work of them though killing three in a short time but with only a few hits against you and a wiggling penis that is still stuck to dicktoes head (he didn't even try to wipe it off.)  As far as I am concerned it is still up there..... maybe you can harness the goblin cock? You also notice a symbol an their chests, but you obliterated them to no end so you might not remember what it looked like. BTW Rolen took Lil Bills mirror apron and is holding on to it I guess until Lil Bill wakes up from death????>....

You pretty much destroy these three ONLYDONGS, and you follow the path of the fire horse to a huge gate made up of jewels.

XAVIER CITY!.

Y'all walk in and see some weird shit. Lots of old folks that are pretty depressed but they seem to love rod stewarts forever young. You meet Rileys Daughter who is a strong ass hill dwarf that keeps ringing a bell for rats or something, this bar also seems to like adding little kid photos to the decor...then you go upstairs to an office where you find a bunch of shit in a horders den.

1.  Record with some sick ass rhymes made by RILEY himself, telling you about the plight of Xavier City and telling you to go to the DEAD FOREST)

2.  500gold (its still there since no one claimed it)

3. A pink stone called the Phallis of Foresight (is this ROLENS or will he share?)

4.  Some dank ass weed

5.  Pics of kids with numbers on them

6. Other shit.

7. A map (attached)

So you are on your way out of the bar with a map of XAVIER CITY in your hands. Looks like y'all are kinda fucked in the fucking fuckhole if ya ask me.

Great adventuring gentlemen, well played and good futures to each of you.

Looks like we actually did it. A successful night of adventuring! I am a bit amazed and excited to keep going. Lets do it again on Saturday.

Eat a dong each of you.

RECAP 2

What an interesting night of adventuring. You four brave hero were abel use your brains and your brawn! You got by with a little help from your friend, and I think now your on the look out for zanelli.....Lets recap

Recap.

The four of you ask the local drunk old farts in Hillgooleys Bar to tell you about the children on the walls.... You don't get very far before they weep and keep saying shit about how their treasures are gone and that they were stolen from them...boo hoo. Rod stewart is blaring in the background.

You then ask Rielys Daughter a question and about the delivery... She knows very little and basically tells you that if your not gonna drink you better get the fuck out.

You decide to leave the bar and as you do day begins to break over Xavier City.

The shinning white Temple seems to beacon each of you as you walk toward it very cautiously (seems to be your MO). As you approach the door to read the inscription you see to little eyes under a hood peek out from around the corner and disappear behind the wall. Rolen and AlDannis follow but all they see is a huge garbage heap and a bunch of rat tracks going back and forth from the garbage. Rolen and Aldannis try to see if they can find anything but they roll shitty and didn't see shit. At this point ol Dicktoes comes stumbling down the path slurring for you to wait up as the only dong dong wiggles on his forehead. He finally takes it off. Good Riddance.

Rolen then goes to read the front door of this amazingly beautiful white as snow perfectly kept temple.....but there are some weird things about those windows (they are painted black)

The door reads in elvish "Her power we bow to every woman child and man she provides she decides her will through our hands"

You open it and see a figure sitting at the front pew in front of a black alter. The inside of this temple is fucking gross. rats and all that crap everywhere. The windows are again painted black form the inside too.

You also see a basin that says in elvish again "ALL CAN TASTE HER FRUIT"  you turn it on and you notice a small bit of green fizzy liquid goes into the basin below and then evaporates quickly. This spicket hasn't been turned on in years. This well is all dried up.

You meet BATHGAYE. A holy man who follows the facelesss goddess. He is very old looking and tells you that the faceless goddess took away his sight long ago. He is wearing a cast on his left arm that is so heavy it actually distorts his figure and fucks his posture up. Dicktoes didn't even ask if he could do an adjustment........

When you entered the Temple of the Faceless Goddess Bathgaye thought you were ZANELLI, his young apprecntence that left the temple about 10 years ago...about the time the treasures were taken...Zanelli is the one who  maintained the temple and built its beautiful windows. He misses the little red headed boy and hopes for the day when he comes back....Bathgaye tells you that if you find zanelli and bring him back to the temple that he will give you something you each desire....by the power of the faceless goddess...She provides....She decides...

He also tells you not to go to the cemetery or the dead forest....which you head straight for. So much for listening to the holy man. Before you enter the dead forest you meet....

KEVIN.

Kevin is chained to his place by a very rusty but very magic chain and has been told to blow a big horn if anyone or anything ever comes out of the dead forest. He has been here for many years and he has never blown the horn. He says that everyone who has ever gone in has never come out. He was put here by someone .... someone he doesn't like at all.... someone who he wrote an awesome punk rock song about that you all snubbed.

Kevin recognizes Ulrich as the guy on the bottle of his favorite beers, and is in awe of his hero! He has always thought of Ulrich as a mad pimp and always wanted to share a brew with his idol.....an offer he gives to his favorite person.......and Ulrich declines......

Rolan and Dicktoes save the day though and get Ulrich to act like a fucking human being and slam some brews with old Kevin. Kevin gives you 2 30 packs of some of his stash and some armor he made out of old beer cans that gives you a +5 to your total HP. Thanks KEV.

You enter the Dead Forest only to be met quickly with a loud demonic voice telling you to leave. The floor of the forest is ash, and you see some rather large foot prints in the dust below.

You don't listen and head on down the path where you meet 5 only dongs and a fucking big ass lava monster that you do harsh battle with until you figure out that those beers Kevin gave you could come in handy as you throw them at the enflamed beast. Rolen and Aldannis both decide to spark op some of that dank you took from Rileys safe and Rolen ends up ending the beast with a massive cloud of dank smoke that turned into animal forms as it barreled toward the magma man. You win but not before Ulrich takes some serious damage.

The Lava beast implodes on itself leaving a strobe light glowing green stone that hurts your eyes. Aldannis is compelled to pick it up and he does and puts it in his pack (a pack that has some holes that have been eaten through.....there are a lot of fucking rats in Xavier City.

To your right you see an ever growing pile of dead bodies and hear the sound of munching. To your left you hear a song being sung and the sound of falling water.''' '''

That is where you are gents...... Ulrich wants to camp here. What do y'all think?

Where will you go, what will you do. We will have to wait until our next meeting...... Think hard, get hard, be hard. You'll need it.

Lastly,  You will be leveling up to level 3 (as long as you don't die or do something super dumb) so be prepared for it because I don't want the level up to take a whole night. I have the Xavier City arch totally done, and have stared to fine tune the next one....if you ever get out of Xavier City that is. Or maybe you like it here....Rod stewart is starting to grow on me.

Love-

The Faceless Goddess

jk its just me...Colin....your old roommate from college.

 

RECAP 3

Congrats again gents on yet another great night in Xavier City..

Heres your recap.......We didn't get very far but there is a ton to cover so sorry this is so long....fags.

First of all you are some seriously cautious mother fuckers. Not only did Ulrich think about camping in a place where you just barely beat your most serious opponent yet, you also spend an insane amount of time looking at a handmade bridge that is completely out of reach over the canopy of the dead forest. Rolan wasn't so easy to convince to move on as he was caught mumbling to himself while staring at a rock he was holding.....You try to literally slap some sense into him but it does noting so Aldannis and Ulrich decide to drag Rolan along with them as they decide to follow the sweet sound of music coming from the west pathway.

I am curious why you didn't decide to head back out of the forest at this point???? Please enlighten me.

As you approach the waterwall you feel the temperature drop heavily and it becomes winter cold in the dead forest. You can see your breath, you are shivering and you are all staring at this waterfall. You still hear the song now accompanied by the winning of what sounds like a puppy. You decide to walk through the wall only after Rolan's genius idea to put a twig in the water with for some reason he is still holding on to. Getting through wasn't accomplished very easily because you decided to go through one at a time. We learned some very interesting things about each of your characters by the way you each of you came through the waterfall. First it was brave of Ulrich to just head on through. It was equally brave and perhaps almost valiant of Rolen to follow Ulrich into the unknown so that both were on the other side. And in a turn that surprised even this DM you decided not to yell through the waterwall at Aldannis (remember you could hear the puppy whines and the song through the waterfall???!!!) but you decide that one of you will go back and get him.

Ulrich decides to rush back and gives Aldannis the recap of what is on the other side but the ever paranoid X-drugdealer decides to hesitate...... then wait..... then hesitate again... and then STAB his fellow adventure in the arm!!!!! Ulrich takes it in stide almost like "thats our Aldannis (looks at the camera and winks as he breaks the 4th wall)...

You are now in the winter meadow of the Dead Forest and you see a THUNDER WOLF trapped by a hunters trap type device and you three decide to free the noble beast. A few things about THUNDERWOLVES!!

1.  They are huge. You met a puppy and this thing was bigger than Ulrich...so fully grown they are bigger then elephants.

2.  Thunderwolves can be pack animals or fly solo

3.  Thunderwolves have a thunder howl that deals some serious damage on ranged attacks and that doesn't even take into account their intimidation factor, or their teeth and claws which are not any thing to fuck with (WU_TANG)

4.  Fully grown thunderwolves have rainbow fur....fucking rainbow fur dudes.... the puppy you met was a black and grey mix with hints of color in its coat.

5.  They have amazing hearing.

6.  They can not talk but can understand some common language commands and read body language really well.

7.  Thunderwolf pelts are worth a lot of money...a live thunder wolf would bring in a very substansial amount (a years salary-ish)

***** The Thunderwolf was your inspiration point. You can call upon it anytime in game (in battle or out of it) and it will come to you as long as it is within range. You can call on it once per day and it can be called by anyone in your party.

After freeing the tunderwolf you three decide to walk the path toward the large grey building which you find out later is covered in eyes. There are 2 lazy looking guards at the gate that -are taking a smoke break (or the equivalent of that in this world). Aldannis decides to use his stealth to walk around the castle and he sees the following.

-a buch of thunderwolves footprints.

-a gate in the back of the castle that he hears the sounds of children laughing and playing emanating from.

-A bunch of ONLY DONG heads and Dongs on pikes lining the castle front.

- The eyes carved into the building are following him with anticipation.

Aldannis isn't as stealth as he would like because as he decides to NOT go back around the castle and almost certainly go undetected, he basically runs right infront of the 2 guards in a stupid attempt to get back to his bros...A fight ensues.

The fight isn't going great, you hit but don't do much damage on these non human knights. OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE DICKTOES is beamed down from above in a pool of hot light into the battle with you three. You all take this in stride. We might need to talk about that later....who the fuck can do that? There is more to Dicktoes than he lets on. Ulrich smells earth when he cuts one of them but decided it isn't important. Aldannis keeps his critical miss streak alive when he tires to shoot one of the guards with his bow and instead departs himself in the cold winter wind. Dicktoes uses magic to hold a guard down with vines which was pretty cool and in the end you figure out that fire will kill a clay knight. There are torches all around you during the fight but for some reason Aldannis decides to keep at it with his bow.... you all yell at him to use fire and he grabs the fucking matches out of his pack that he yanked from Rileys place. That shit was funny as fucking shit.

After defeating the clay knights you walk into EVERWATCH CASTLE. where you are met by a very cute and NOT CREEPY AT ALL little boy wearing a blue winter hat named stevey. Stevey is the cutest and most awesomest kid who is not creepy at all and is cool and fuck you for your assumptions. Stevey said that he has been saved and that the kids are safe because they are being taken care of by KERSTIEN who watches over them and protects them. Rolan uses the pictures of little kids that he has been holding on to (I am chris harrison and this is to catch a predator) and figures out that Little Stevey is one of the kids in those photos. Stevey says you must be tested and he leaves out a door that then disappears.

The four of you are now in a large room. The concrete walls surround you and infront of you are 4 doors marked as follows:

A circle

A square

A triangle

A penis

Above the door are three lights that are lit green and a sign that reads something like this (i can't find my notes right now and don't want to look so I will send you the exact later....this is a lot of dumb work)

ENTERING TESTING AREA

NO Magic may be used

No self pleasure (Carl)

All regenerations must be reported to the director

Remember....The end is not the end. (i know i forgot to say that in game but it is in my notes and i was pissed when i read over everything last night fuck)

Above the doors is a balcony that is split into tow seperate rooms. One is large and the other is much smaller. Both rooms have a glass wall looking over the area you are currently in. The large room is where you see children start to see children gather. They are clapping and laughing and waving at you but you don't hear a sound. The other room is empty.

This is where you are gents....I may have forgotten some things so I am sorry. Add it in thread if I forgot something or if you have questions.

Strap in cuz this next riddle is going to be taxing. I hope you can make it through. We will be using some of the same techniques as when we went though the waterwall where i drop the call for some or all but one and we will go at it like that. This riddle will take a while so I am hoping we can get through it in one meeting.....but since you are all cautious as fuck I would be surprised if we even leave the current room we are in while Aldannis just stabs everyone to see if they are real and ends up killing himself in a test to see if he himself is real.

That shit was fun.

Love you.-

Colin

RECAP 4

Gentlemen, I commend you on another great night of adventuring. While you are all quite cautious in most instances this night brought about a bit of barreling through as you found your door, and just fucking went for it. You also glided through the maze so quickly that I am looking into a possible leek in this DMs team and I have a feeling its Arlo. He will be water boarded if he is found guilty. So lets get to our recap…..

You begin the night down a player, where the fuck did Dicktoes go to now? You entered Everwatch Castle with him, you all listened to the very not creepy Lil Stevey together but now Dicktoes is just gone. No pool of light, no smoke or even a sound, he is just not there anymore. You all seem to take that in stride though because it is barely spoken about in the group. Do you know something that I don’t??? You are now in Everwatch Castle looking at 4 doors (circle, triangle, square, and penis) with three green lights above each. Above the doors are two rooms with a glass wall overlooking the arena like room  that you all are standing in. One of the rooms is full of very excited children who look to be rooting you on and watching with anticipation. They look happy and healthy. The other room is completely empty but lit and clean looking.

Aldannis just starts kicking and jiggling the unlocked doors he tires the first two which are locked. Ulrich tries to use his knowledge in stone work to view the eye mosaic in the floor and to check the stone in the doors to see what type of stone it is and all he discovers is that there is magic, but it is not here to cause you any harm. At this point Rolan decides to try a door which just so happens to be unlocked for him and he enters the room after being bathed in light. The door closes and Ulrich and Aldannis are left in the room to have a good old hang sesh. Aldannis and Ulrich  watch the green lights above the door Rolan went into turn to the word “success” while they waited ever patiently in the room. They heard cheers erupt and shortly after they see Rolan in the once empty room above the arena. He looks well, happy, and sits down to a meal with drink and smoke a plenty. He begins jamming on a huge turkey leg.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

POINT OF ORDER…. it is not for me to explain what happened in Rolan’s or Ulrich’s room challenge. If you all want to talk about what went down in your room and how you came out of it please do so in game with each other. I feel that if you want to keep it secret you should be able to, so I will NOT be recapping Ulrich or Rolan’s room challenge at all. Rolan is the only one out of the party (so it seems) that knows what went down in his challenge room. Rolan also watched what went down in Ulrich’s room and Aldannis’ room. Ulrich was able to watch Aldannis go through his trial and obliviously knows what went down in his own challenge room, and Aldannis only knows what happened to him…… Twice and very close to three times. So I will explain things pretty much from Aldannis pov until you all meet up again.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aldannis tries a door, it opens, and he  is bathed in the light and then the door shuts behind him. This time Ulrich is left alone in the room…..I think he jerked it a little bit. After about 10 Mins Ulrich sees Aldannis fly backward through the doorway with much force, so much in fact that he is thrown to the back wall. He looks confused and frustrated but generally unharmed. One of the lights goes out above the door Aldannis flew out of and you both hear a big kind of depressed  “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” come from the crowd of children. Ulrich asks Aldannis WTF happened and Aldannis just mumbles about a dragon sized him and a mallet and blood and lava and blah blah blah blah blah. Ulrich basicly says fuck this and goes on to try a different door which opens and he is bathed in light as the door shuts behind him.

Aldannis is alone. After about 10 mins Aldannis hears cheering from the children and he sees the lights above the door turn from green to now read “success”. Aldannis sees Ulrich in the same room now as Rolan and they are talking to each other but Aldannis can’t hear anything that they are saying and damn that food they are eating looks good AF….. is that a blunt in Ulrich’s mouth now???!!!! Aldannis is a bit jelly. And he prepares himself for his challenge.

POINT OF ORDER- I have combined his 2 attempts in the room into one because it’s the same situation and shit….

Aldanis opens the door again and is in the same horrible situation as before. He is standing on a pillar of stone. Below him rages a cacophonous sound and a chaotic ocean of lava that is rising slowly. About 50 yards ahead of him he sees an exact copy of himself only it is very large, giant sized and holding a bloody mallet. Next to the giant sized him he sees a cow that is supporting something upon its large  back. Aldannis hatred of cows first makes him contemplate a long bow attack against the cow but it is much too far. Aldannis then discovers that the giant Aldannis (from now on known as ALDANNIS PRIME) mimics all of the same movements of Aldannis himself. Aldannis has some fun with this at first by doing a little dance and the children watching are laughing and clapping. After a number of shitty rolls and light blows to the cows head Aldannis hits the cow with the mallet and the cow drops one leg. As the cow falls 3 bodies fall from the cows back and they are strung up in a noose and are kicking wildly to save themselves. Aldannis hits the cow again and more children fall. So far over 10 have been hung. Aldannis has no fucking idea what to do and he looks at his character sheet again and again and says “what the fuck dude” to the heavens. The lava is rising. The children are going limp. The cow is losing its balance. Aldannis feels heat from his pack and grabs the green rock wich instantly hurts his eyes. He is somehow able to see that ALDANNIS PRIME’s eyes are now bleeding. Aldannis throws the rock into the lava. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT! Aldannis himself takes damage. The lava is righign and is very close. Aldannis tires to hit himself in the head with a hammer he isn’t holding which is staring to make me think he has been sneeking in mushroom trips withile no one is looking. Then a dark voice comes from beyond that simply says “END YOURSELF” to which aAldannis finally listens and jumps in the fucking lava as does ALDANNIS PRIME.

The room changes back to a normal grey stone room and a door opens on the far wall. Aldannis hears children cheering. There is a birhgt light coming from the door and the smell of good food and Aldannis hears Ulrich and Rolan talking and eating and having a laugh. As Aldannis goes up the stairs and finds his two friends in the room. He sees a 4 place settings with tons of food and a full goblet of drink for him and his partners. One of the place settings is completely cashed out with a few blunt roaches and turkey bones. Aldannis’s paranoia gets the better of him again as he overtinks the fuck out of this situation. Ulrich decides to use his “hand of sense” where he backhands people back to reality but Aldannis reaches for his trusty poking knife and lunges at his friend. A strength roll for both leaves Aldannis with his first real good roll and he ends up STABBING HIS FRIEND in the fucking face scarring the battle worn Ulrich whose face now looks like it went through a tree shredder (rugged handsome). Ulrich took 2 damage in stride, not even complaining. You guys should work out a signal or something to show your real to Aldannis. I can’t belive the only good rolls you have are against your friends. Yall should come up with a fucking signal to show your real to Aldannis that you can show him every 5 mins so he dosen’t just kill you all in a paranoid haze.

The wall between you and the children now raises up and the children are overjoyed that you passed the challenge. They hug you and kiss you and say things like “we knew you could do it….You will save us all…You will bring back balance to Xavier City….We love you….i pooed my pants”

Ulrich has to bite his own lip to distract himself from backhanding every single one of these little monsters…..

A bell rings and the children take a seat. You meet KIRSTEIN, a Cyclopes older woman who has a grandmotherly feel to her. She gives you the low down on what is up with these kids and what is going on in Xavier City. She tells you that she can Watch but cannot Do. She asks you to restore balance to Xavier city by destroying the PUSHER, THE PRODUCER, and THE PRIEST. She Levels you up to level 3. She also tells you that RON is a good dude even though you all think he is the pusher or the producer or maybe even the priest. You learn about the Giants of Kori that live on the other opening in the dead forest. You also learn some other things which I will ask you to put in an email to all of us so that the parts that stick out can be discussed and ready when we start again next time.

KIRSTEIN tells you to seek out the Garbage Children and that you can access them through the maze under the castle. She also advises against going back through the dead forest cuz that damn horn will fucking warn everyone and casue some shit.

You enter the maze and breeze through it so fucking easy that I am seriously amazed (get it a-mazed). If you would have gone right or straight out the gate you would have been so fucked but damn yall killed it. You meet the first ARLO monster ( a cube with a hundred eyes that are paintings that change back and forth and a mouth under its bottom with tons of teeth that shoots lazers and has three hands on its head, you also fight a Blue Worm and a run into a fucking enormous dirt dragon with a jeweled chest, huge wings and rows upon rows of serrated teeth .  The dragon rises out of the ground and it looks like there is no fing way you are going to beat this thing when it rears back….looks stunned and falls to the ground dead.

Atop the corpse is a small boy with his hands clutched around a large sword, the sword is amazingly crafted and artistically decorated. He brings his head up and pulls his hood back to reveal a head of bright red hair. He says “Glad you made it. We have some work to do.”  Its Zanelli!!!!!!!!!!! You are at the entrance to the garbage children’s lair.

WOW THAT WAS LONG.

Let me know if I missed or messed up anything. I was drunk and it was late. So screw you.

Love you dong lickers.

-Colin

RECAP 5

What a weird night!? We did a whole lot of talking and a little bit of fighting and a bit of riddle solving. As is usual I ask you to fill in any parts I left out or highlight things that stick out to you. Keep the conversation going throughout the week. .

Recap Night 5

You being this nights adventure exactly where you left off the previous week. You are inside a hand dug maze tunnel after leaving Everwatch Castle. Out of nowhere Zanelli shows up and  has just killed a dirt dragon (a huge monster with a jeweled chest that would most def have killed the shit out of you all. )

Zanelli says something action star cool like “Get to the Chopper”  but he really says “Glad you could make it, there is a lot to talk about, lets get to work.”  He puts his masterfully carved sword behind his back and walks into the darkness beyond the corpse of the dirt dragon.

Ulrich, Rolan, and Aldannis are all looking at each other when they realize Dicktoes is gone again. No light beams, no wind gusts, he is just gone. Ulrich says something to the group about maybe looking around for him because its pretty weird that he wouldn’t be here when he was just fighting by your side but the rest of you convince him it’s no big thang and to just move on and follow Zannelli further into the tunnel. Some friends you are.

As you get further down the tunnel you see a heep of trash and a foul smell coming from the direction you are all heading. Rats abound here running to and fro. Zanelli opens a concelled door and ushers you into the trash heep which I am calling now “The fortrest of the Garbage Children.” You see a long table with flat stone pieces and images of Xavier city that are from a worms eye level. Zanelli tells you he has developed a kind of rat go pro that lets him see whats going on in Xavier city and that many of these rats work for him. He then lays down some serious knowledge on all of you. Aldannis was a huge dick to Zanelli and it took some serious doing to get things back to level. The green stone helped.

You also see a tall skinny man in a mirror apron with his head in his hands. You call out “BIG BOB” and get no answer.

I have decided to just list everything that Zanelli told you and you can add to it if need be.

Zanelli drops some serious knowledge at this point.
 * 1) Zanelli was a child laborer in Xavier City and was then selected by Bathgaye to work as his apprentice.  Zanelli used to work in the mines and spent many nights in a cage next to a house.  He and all the other children were exploited by the people of Xavier City.  It wasn’t always like this but changed about 10 years ago when the faceless goddess BS started
 * 2) Zanelli BUILT the temple which wasn’t always called the TEMPLE OF THE FACELESS GODDESS, it used to be a good place that the people would gather in when times were better.
 * 3) Zanelli still maintains the outside of the temple because he feels bound to it.  (if you made something that beautiful you would want to keep it up too.)  He is the one that painted the windows black though because he didn’t think that the poisoned people should be able to view the beauty he created.  Zanelli found out you talked to Bathgaye and asked how that all went.  He also asked how the inside of the temple looked.
 * 4) The children of Xaveir city were saved by Kirstein who brought them to Everwatch Castle in the night. Oh about 10 Years ago.
 * 5) The stone that Aldannis was carrying is a part of the STONE GIANT. a giant that once lived on the island to the east of Xavier City Proper. and was a peaceful giant artisan.  Bathgaye feared the power of the STONE GIANT and decided to kill it and split the stone giant into pieces.  Aldannis has been carrying one of the EYES OF THE STONE GIANT around and gave it to Zanelli for safe keeping. ( I was suprized you did that)
 * 6) Zanelli wants to blow up Xavier City (well at least hillgoolies, and the factory) and then wants you to kill Bathgaye.  He thinks that is the only way to restore order and peace to the land.  The bombs were discovered under the mines and he even showed you them by using a rat go pro.
 * 7) Zanelli really hates Riley and basicly said he was a major reason for the fall of the city.
 * 8) He tells you that the GIANTS OF KORI could be used to open the mines and get the bombs but they require a gift.  They like shinny things and relics of the dead.  Zanelli thinks that you can convince them to help move the stones blocking the mines which are not able to be moved with magic, pierced with weapons, or lifted by anyone….. so far.
 * 9) He also tells you a bit about how they saved BIG BILL (the mirror apron man).
 * 10) +++++++You talk to Big Bill a bit and learn that he kind of wants to leave, he is well taken care of but just wants to get back to Pachelli Village and be with his long time best friend RON.  Big Bill is grief stricken over Little Bills death.  He also told you that RON is one of the best people in the world and that RON gives blood, volunteers for meals on wheels, works with disabled kids, donates 80% of his salary to fighting childhood diseases, gives random strangers gifts, saved a whole orphanage from a fire single handedly, fosters children and fosters pets, started a school for troubled youths, saved an entire race from extension, donates 1$ a day to save an Ethiopian child, gives to unicef, gives to amnesty international, Volunteers 6 days a week at the soup kitchen that he runs and makes all the soup and hand made all the bowls and spoons.
 * 11) Its not his fault that his brew is being used in this way.  If he knew about it he would be pissssssssssssssed. And RON anint nothing to fuck with.
 * 1) Its not his fault that his brew is being used in this way.  If he knew about it he would be pissssssssssssssed. And RON anint nothing to fuck with.
 * 1) Its not his fault that his brew is being used in this way.  If he knew about it he would be pissssssssssssssed. And RON anint nothing to fuck with.
 * 1) Its not his fault that his brew is being used in this way.  If he knew about it he would be pissssssssssssssed. And RON anint nothing to fuck with.

You all take in the info and take a rest. You heal up and wake up to coffee and a new face a large man with a long grey beard coming out of Rolans room. He says he is Rolan. You are confused but then he goes into Rolan’s room and then regular Rolan returns??? WTF???

You are given disguises to go out into Xavier city and you decide to check out the mansion. You approach and it is abandodned as fuck and falling apart. It is at least 5 storys tall but the roof is missing so it is open to the elements.

As you near the factory you are accosted by 7 Onlydongs only these onlydongs are way bigger than the other Onlydongs you faced only a little while ago. Through the use of the THUNDERWOLF and the Rain Of Thorns you defeated them quickly but not without Ulrich taking some serous Biting damage and he almost died. I was really trying to make you use the THUNDERWOLF cuz I think its awesome and don’t want you to forget about it. Have you named her yet?!

+++ I remember someitng about Ulrich trying to slap Aldannis but I can’t remember why but I know he failed and then landed in some onlydog poo pile. Fill me in on all that….

From the outside It is clearly abandoned but you find access on the north west side of the building through three empty windows. Your backs are toward the cemetery and you feel a strong cold coming from it. Rolan again is gone and a young pigtailed girl is in his place complaining and being lame. Ulrich tires to cop a feel as he “helps” her into the window space but as he goes for a handful of plump ass he gets the hairy muscley ass of Rolan proper.WTF!? As you get into the mansion floor you see 6 Colored banners with symbols on them depicting an eye or a speaker symbol. Eye symbol on the green ones and the speaker on the purple ones, the yellow and red ones have something on it but you can’t read it it is too far worn The banners are green purple red and yellow. On the floor you see an image carved into the wood depicting a very tall looking grey man pointing to the banners.

You also see a mirror on the wall and a chest on the floor. The chest is empty but in the reflection it is full of jewles. You see an old man taking the jewles from the chest. You solve this puzzle by lifiting the mirror and getting a ton of gold and a crazy man that just keeps saying you will all die. This fool is nuts. You KO him pretty hard. Rolan again turns into something else again ROLANDO! A Mexican man with bandolerias and a sombrero. WTF IS GOING ON!!!! He then turns back to Rolan proper. And he dawns a B Arther costume which is awesome.

You are now in the mansion with onlydongs closing in. You feel a howling cold from the cemetrary. You see a number of rats with zanellis go pro attached on the floor of the abandoned mansion whith you. You have many paths in front of you. Not one of them seems like fun, but you got yourselves into this mess.

-

It was way different than normal for me, a lot of improv and a ton of talking. I didn’t plan on the onlydong fight being as big as it was but changed it cuz you had to do so much talking that I figured you would want to kill something…I have been waiting to reintroduce BIG BILL but never found the right time until now. I tried very hard to keep it all straight but I fucked up some of the names here and there so if you have any questions just let me know and I will answer what I can.

Love you.

OH I think we are taking a break this coming week cuz boese actually has something of worth to do. I am down for a side quest if you want or we can just chill and not do anything and absence and the heart and fonder and shit.

Let me know-

C$$

RECAP 6

So not a lot to report but a few things to go over. First I want to thank you all for sending the items. I'm excited for you to get some new shit to mess around with. Also if u would like to call or text me out of thread I would like to figure out some things we can add to your characters and I need a bit more back story from ulrich and aldannis.

Dicktoes we have to talk so call me or email me sometime. I have big plans for you. Let's work some shit out. I have a plan for why your always in and out but would like your input. I think that makes it more fun.  

Let's recap shall we!!!!

Ulrich rolen and aldannis. You are on the ground floor of the abandoned mansion. Dicktoes is nowhere to be seen. You've beaten the mirror puzzle and are now 500 gold pieces richer. There is also a man knocked out and bleeding from the head on the floor. The only dongs are outside and sound like there are more and more coming (cumming). The north wall has 6 banners hanging from high above. They are colored from left to right.

 

Green---(stitched with the symbol of an eye)

Purple (stitched with the symbol of a speaker)

Red -

Yellow-

Purple -stitched with the symbol of a speaker)

Green.--stitched with the symbol of an eye)

 

Rolen completely disappears without any fanfare. Ulrich and aldannis don't seem a bit perturbed by this. I guess they are just used to counterparts disappearing and rolens general weird shit.

 

Ulrich decides to use his investigation for a Closer inspection by ulrich reveals that the red banner has a symbol of a Rolling Stones style mouth and tongue.

The yellow is not able to be identified but there once was something there.

 

The room is a circle kind of like a ball room with a black steel staircase that coils upwards revealing 5 levels each with a room on each level. The roof has been blasted out but there is no debris on the floor.

 

You cautiously go up the staircase to the first room.

 

The first room reveals Large sculptures of people and animals. Hand carved with the brightest jewel adornments. Some jewels have fallen on the ground but they are still so bright that it almost looks as if they are glowing.

Aldannis stuffs his pants with some bad ass jewels and ulrich also takes a Handful. No one has been here for a long time. There is dust all over the floor.

 

Level 2

Handmade large clocks. All on different times. Obviously hand carved from stone these are the most beautiful clocks you have ever seen. A Perception check reveals footprints. They go to the back of the clock room, turn and go back out the door. The footprints are not fresh there is significant dust inside each step. You follow the footprints to find a black steel key. Aldannis pokes it. Looks scared. And then it's picked up by ulrich who now has it in his pack.

 

Level 3

A room of large bottles with markings on them. Some are fermenting and putrid. Others have bugs nesting in them and mosquitoes breeding in the stagnate liquid.

There is a barrel of sealed ale that says "Sacramento brew co". Ulrich can tell it's about 10 years old and Ulrich fills his flask.

 

Level 4

A room full of decaying animal flesh, moldy brad loves larger than a man, and rows and rows of jerky. This isn't a slim Jim. It's a whole jerked cow.

Ulrich tastes the jerky and is healed for 1 HP. He eats a ton of it and it completely healed up. He and Aldannis cut enough for the 4 of you to use later. The jerky tastes good AF.

 

Level 5

A room of tools that are larger than a human man. A hammer a saw a few chisels. Sand paper in large sheets. And knives which look dull and worn.

These are some big ass tools. Ulrich wants to take a "knife" as a sword but that shit is waaaaaay too big.

 

The two cautious travelers noe arrive at the top. It was once a penthouse. There is gold fleck and intricate carvings in what's left of the blasted out Ceiling.

The top oversees the entire town.

 

You feel Cold from cemetery. The factory is churning and smoke is rising. You see I. The cemetery a moselium at the northern end. You can faintly hear Kevin playing some acoustic punk rock.

On the way down the stairs the boys decide to depends the knocked out man and tie him up.

Yep. They did that shit.

 

Dicktoes magically appears I. A beam of white light. The boys fill him in on what's up and then they all have an insane flashback.

 

Aldannis is being beaten up by a large red headed bully in a flannel shirt. The theee of you are young children at what you guess is recess. Dicktoes rushes to Aldannis aide while ulrich just kinda hangs back. Dicktoes fights the bully tooth and nail. As the two trade punches and kicks Aldannis aims for the bully's balls and takes a big wind up kick only to critically fail and kick him self in the yahbows. (Classic Aldannis)

Ulrich is now attacked by a littler bully but he quickly snaps his neck. A gay lunch lady rushes to aide the now dead child only to die herself. Ulrich isn't done and starts eliminating witnesses like this is a ducking gta game without weapons.

Meanwhile dicktoes now has the bully by the scruff and he uses a spin-go-round (now spinning at an insane speed) to tree shredder his face to smithereens.

Yalls flashback ends as quickly as it began and youre on the main level of this mansion.

 

Not a bad night at all. Next week will be even better. Phil was waaaay high and barely spoke in pretty sure he thought he was watching g tv. Or the worst internet porn ever.

Next week will be dope as fuck.

Love you losers.

 

RECAP 7

 

Well well well gentlemen. Another night full of adventure, intrigue, depantsing, and glimpses into the possible future.

Y'all are back in the abandoned dilapidated mansion. Onlydongs a plenty outside.

 

We started the night out with a reappeared Rolen. He was as Rolen as ever and when he was asked where he disappeared to he said something about another realm where he saw lots of things. Y'all didn't get too much into that and decided to try touching the mirror.

Each of you were given the sight of a possible future (real, fictional ???!!!??? Fake on purpose????!). You went into the mirror alone and came out with a new item.

Rolen got a knife

Ulrich got an ax

Aldannis got a bow.

I'll send u all the details on each soon.

 

When you all came out of the mirror you told your counterparts what happened during your vision. At least you told them something. Did you tell the truth? Partial truth, whole truth, whole lie? I guess that's up to the rest of you to figure out.

Ulrich and aldannis are at it again poking and pinching one another. Aldannis cuts ulrichs beautiful face from lip to bottom of chin while ulrich made a possible trip to the dentist eminent for old paranoid Aldannis who is now missing his two front teeth.

After a bit you see the zanelli rat hightail it out of the room and out the window. For some reason the only dongs follow the rat (why?) and your able to be left alone thinking what to do next.

Rolen gets all telepathic with the mirror man. He finds out that mirror man isn't a bad guy. He's just bound to this place and wasn't supposed to be a major character.

You decide to put the de-pants knocked out dude into the mirror even though ulrich and aldannis blood lust-o-meters are at maximum capacity for this helpless old dude. He tells you some shot about the cemetery key. Tells you your visions were possible futures but not destinies. Ulrich does some seriously insane stoned mental gymnastics here to go all David lynch on all your asses and blow your minds. (Better than David lynch on your minds and blow your asses....right?!?!?!). Shit hits harder than a brick on a faberge egg and tall dismiss his stoned genius and pretty much ignore him

Side note I would have loved to explore this more in game. Alas. Next time.

Then the mirror disappears (I think).

You head out, costumed a plenty, heading for the cemetery. Kevin sees these three old fucks trying to enter the cemetery and he begs you not to go in. He doesn't recognize you because your fully costumed. He gives up trying to convince you after you pass through the gate. Sadly he says goodbye.

You walk through the cemetery gate "let the dead die, leave the dead lie" and realize this cemetary is bigger than it looks from the outside. It's almost as if it is getting more expansive as you walk through it.

The mausoleum   is further away than you thought. And it may take an hour or more to make the walk.

You now see a figure moving about 100 yards out. Slow but determined. It walks against the wind toward the mausoleum. You talk with each other about possibly calling out to this figure but thankfully you think better of it and follow it quietly.

Ulrich and Aldannis want to go back to the mansion for more info (I think they were just shitting their pants out of fear). The cemetery gate slams shut and they assume they are trapped because they are too dumb to remember that they have the FUCKING KEY!!! You go forward anyway toward the mausoleum.

Ulrich is startled by a skeleton hand grabbing his foot as 5 powerful red robes litches descend upon you. A fight ensues that almost takes you all out especially  ulrich who had to gobble down almost all of his jerky just to stay alive. You killed four of the five litches (the last one killed was wearing a crown) and one that was mostly unharmed floated up into the grey sky out of view.

You escape with many a scratch and see the figure in the cemetery jump up and over the mausoleum and into the impenetrable dead forest (WTF).

The mausoleum door is open. Made of pure gold it looks out of place. It's heavy and 6 foot thick. Inside The walls have silenced the wind and for the first time you hear nothing. In front of you is a wall with 6 notches in it. To your right and left are grass woven baskets containing colored pegs. Of

Blue

Black

Red

White

Green

Orange

Yellow

Purple

Brown

 

This puzzle was a sinch for Rolen while I don't think Aldannis got what was going on.

Side note. I really didn't think you would get it that fast  I was looking forward to you all figuring it out together. Oh well. Too easy I guess.

The wall opens into a tomb with 6 caskets. Each casket has a symbol above it on the wall. From left to right the first 4 caskets are closed. The last two open and empty.

The caskets to the left are old and withered. The 2 open ones are newer. The one on the right is brand new. Made in the last day or so. You can Still smell the freshly milled wood used to create it.

Along the wall are tools used in the cemetery trade. A shovel some pick axes, some length of chain, a pulley or two, a crowbar, a hammer and nails, etc.

LEFT TO RIGHT SYMBOLS.
 * 1) A symbol of XC inside a sun. You al recognize this as the symbol stamped on items made in Xavier city. Remember that Xaviercity was once a thriving manufacturing town and now it's a shell of a shell. This XC with a sun is a symbol you remember from your younger years as everything was once made in Xavier city.
 * 2) The sun with the xc again but it's been scribbled out. Crudely
 * 3) The old TM sign you've seen on the only dongs costumes. It's crudely drawn and hand carved.
 * 4) TM again but much more professionally done. It's expertly etched in the wall with decorative endorsements.
 * 5) TM again same as before but even more beautiful. Gold leaf and glowing
 * 6) A concentric triangle. The symbol of abysum.

I'm sure I left shit out. Please fill me in. Also get ready to level up soon. Your going to need the extra hp. Shot for real in the cemetery.

Love y'all. See you in a few days!!!!!!

RECAP 8

Reeeeeecap.

Sorry so late homos.

It was an exposition filled night. No fighting although you were all readying actions like there was a fire sale on them. Aldannis cowers in the corner as ulrich and rolen (when he wasn't in an absym trance) were popping caskets like bottles in a shitty drake video.

I'm including my notes and will add a little here and there. If I missed something just let me know and add it to the thread.

The golden door is open and inside you find a small cramped room. The walls have silenced the wind from the cemetery and for the first time you hear nothing. In front of u is a wall with 6 notches in it. To your right and left are grass woven baskets containing colored pegs. Of

Blue

Black

Red

White

Green

Orange

Yellow

Purple

Brown

rolen figured it out like he'd been there before. Aldannis was asking "why are you arbitrarily putting in pegs"cuz he didn't get it. Ulrich was a little high. The code matched the banners you found in the abandoned mansion. Maybe this has something to do with the stone giant.

 G p r y p g

The wall opens into a tomb with 6 caskets.

A carving in the wall says "let the dead die, leave the dead lie". Each casket has a symbol above it on the wall. From left to right the first 4 caskets are closed. The last two open and empty.

The caskets to the left are old and withered. The 2 open ones are newer. The one on the right is brand new. Made in the last day or so. Still smell the freshly milled wood used to create it.

After trying to open it with a shitty roll (ulrich or Aldannis. I forgot). These caskets are gonna take a bit of doin. Rolen uses the crowbar to open em up and in each you find......

 INSIDE THE CASKETS.
 * 1) Far left has a skeleton in religious garb. White robes with golden stitches embroidery. The robes have yellowed with time. Its eyes covered with a jeweled visor. The skeleton is holding a sword on its chest and in a weird way looks peaceful. A top its head is a crown of beautiful colored jewels and diamonds. It's not a kings crown. It rather like a crown of laurel wreath only made of brightly colored jewels and diamonds. This casket hasn't been opened in decades. At its feet is a sack full of something.

These relics of the dead are Carved stone cylinders of various girths and lengths. You know these hold some meaning or power but your not sure what. They are also polished so much that it makes them insanely shinny.

Someone has these in their pack.

2. Same as above but no sword and no jewled eye visor. '' Tis skeleton looks panicked and is clutching its neck. At its feet you see a large sack and hear a muffled tone coming out of it. Purple rock hurts your ears

Someone has this in their pack.

3 This body is still mostly skeleton but still decomposing. Its face is covered by a burlap sack on which a crude smiling face has been drawn on in blood. It's wearing a simple brown robe. It's missing it's left arm. There is another sack in this one the same size as the last bit this is not making a muffled tone.

Inside you find a Yellow rock that smells horrible.

Someone has this in their pack.

This Skelton has a knife in its chest. It's beautifully crafted.

4. This body has been here for a short time but is decomposing and bloated perhaps at most 6 months. It's dressed in a simple brown robe. Its left arm is also missing. It's face is covered again with burlap smiling face in blood. There is another sack this one is greased stained no sound or smells coming from it. -- as you peel back the burlap it sticks a little to the rotting flesh. You hear the scurrying of insects, roaches, and slurping worms. The mask takes off a considerable amount of pale almost translucent skin. it's eyes are gone. But healed over into a large golf ball sized scar in each socket. This face looks familiar to you. Each of you have see. It before. But where. ???!!!!!     It's bathgaye.

5. Empty and lavish.

6 Empty and lavish. Black leather. interior.

LEFT TO RIGHT SYMBOLS. You spent some time trying out different things to find a door or something and you all rolled pretty shitty. Ulrich rammed  a casket into the wall just to be a dick.
 * 1) A symbol of XC inside a sun. You al recognize this as the symbol stamped on things made in Xavier city from your youth.
 * 2) The sun with the xc again but it's been scribbled out.
 * 3) The old TM sign you've seen on the only dongs costumes. It's crudely drawn and hand carved.
 * 4) TM again but much more professionally done. It's expertly etched in the wall with decorative endorsements.
 * 5) TM again same as 4 but even more beautiful.
 * 6) A concentric triangle it's. The symbol of abysum.

You are all still in this tomb and the ax that ulrich is holding has begun to glow again.

 Not bad my friends. Shits getting real. The end is near. Or is it? I don't know. Do you?  Map is looking dope. Looking forward to hanging again. If you missed my last email I will be a maybe for Saturday cuz I'm not sure Matteo will be able to chill. Once he crashes on soooo down. We will see.

Love you turds.

RECAP 9

Gentlemen….. I am not sure I can call you gentlemen after that horrific display of perverted  role playing. While I was laughing my ass off, I died a little inside. Why the fuck is there little to no loyalty or love between any of you after all you have been thorugh together? This was the first real role playing that was largely influenced by YOU the players and caused a great amount of improvisation on my part but ended up completely in the right place. Yall are in a bit of trouble, but perhaps you can get out of it and get that so close LEVEL 5 upgrade. Obviously you will need it as the newer opponents you have been facing are not only high armor class but do some real serious damage. As always please fill in whatever I failed to remember. I am going off all memory for this one but it should be OK because I wasn’t super drunk (a first for this game).

Lets do this….

You begin the night looking over the caskets and exploring the inside of this mausoleum. Each of you has a bit heavier pack as you are carrying some of the items you found in the caskets.

ITEMS:

PURPLE ROCK – LOUD SOUND-HURTS EARS WHEN OUT OF SACK-GLOWING

YELLOW ROCK – SMELLS TERRIBLE- HURTS NOSE AND HEAD WHEN OUT OF SACK- GLOWING

RED ROCK- SLIMY AS HELL- GLOWING

KNIFE- An expertly carved knife handle made from bone with gold embellishments that hold one of the sharpest blades you have ever seen. You haven’t really asked about it so I won’t go into it any more than that. For some reason Aldannis decides to hold on to this and not USE IT while in combat. There is that extreme carefulness we all know and love.

RELICS OF THE DEAD- Made from Balmar stone (an extra hard and rare stone, BALMAR is known for its colored marbled surfaces.  The more intense and colorful the stone the more expensive and rare it would be. These stones are cylindrical in shape and are various lengths and girths.  They are also covered in almost a tie-dye rainbow and they are shinny as shit.

Ulrich’s axe is glowing so you know you are within 100 feet of an undead, but you are in a cemetery so it’s not that big of a deal really. Ulrich readies himself at the opening of the large Golden dorr at the south end of the tomb. The three of you finally decide to investigate the visor ( the jeweled visor upon the head and over the eyes of the oldest caskets occupant.) After trying to pull it off the skeleton you realize its not going to be coming off very easily. Aldannis has a great idea “HIT IT”! He crys its somewhat uncharacteristic as he is usually painfully careful. As he winds back to give the skeleton a fatal(er?) blow and knock that fucking visor off its dead face he his held back by his two traveling companions. Ulrich and Rolen both think this is a BAD idea. The two rush toward ALdannis to stop him from making a possible huge mistake. The two struggle to hold Aldannis back just as the door blasts open and a red robed LITCH rushes  in and a battle ensues. The Litch is powerful and deals a ton of damage, it even knocks old Aldannis on the floor and knocks him out and a few rolls away from the endless abyss of the unknon.( SIDE NOTE** I am a little surprised you rolled so well and didn’t die…. I love all your characters so much that I will be very sad to see any of them go but I have to stay true to the rules and story so if your time is up…its up)

Ulrich rolls a critical fail in battle and his pants, shoes, and any other clothing item under the belly button is blown off his body and burns away. This horrible predicament ends up being his saving grace as he calls out for the thunderwolf while taking advantage of his newly found ease of access to his dwarfen dong. As the Litch rains down fire and ice from his dislocated jaw Ulrich begins stroking it and through a Nat 20 he artfully dodges every single projectile while going to work on himself (to projectile?)  He also lands on those RELICS OF THE DEAD and has one stuck now inside of his brown star. He loses the rest of his clothes thoughout the battle as well.

Aldannis checks the door for the thuderwolf and she is there but she is outside of the gate struggleing to get in. She wants to help but just can’t get past the locked gate. She is going crazy trying to get in to help you.

The fight ends as the Litch tries to retreat, he is mocked by Rolen and ends up being obliterated by the only person who did any real damage on it…Thank Absym for Rolen cuz otherwise you fucks would have been fucked. He saved your ass in that fight. Aldannis is up thanks to a gift from Ulrich (the gift of a shit soaked dildo being inserted into his unconscious mouth …..this remids me of an old el p line “sign to rockless Id rather be fucked by nazi’s unconscious”)  Aldannis is so dazed that he has no idea how to eat his jerky and basicly shoves it in his eyes and rubs it on his face. It takes the kindness of Rolen to shove that jerky in his mouth, move his jaw up and down, and then bend him over backwards while pulgging Aldannis’s nose and then old Aldnaiis comes to and is back. He stabs………. no one….maybe this look at the other side has changed him….we may never know.

Rolen goes to check the red robe and under it he sees a golden visor covered in jewels, it calls to him to put it on and he struggles with himself to fight the urge. Ulrich expertly bangs it out of Rolens hands and they all kind of agree not to put it on and place it in Aldannis’s pack.

After the fight is over Ulrich uses the litches burnt robes to cover himself in a ZARDOZ-ian red cloth diaper. Which it seems like he is enjoying a little too much. The fight left the tomb room a bit disheveled and actually cracked a hole into the northen wall of the room. The three of you explore and end up using the pully system to go down (some acrabaticly and some athelticly and some burning your hands like a fucking fat kid in middle school gym class.) The path leads south about 300 yards and on the ground you see two consistent line marks made from something being pushed or pulled along with normal sized foot prints on the ground. You come to an intersection that allows you to turn right (west) and this path is different because there is only foot prints and no constant lined tracks. You decide to go this route (heading west)

You come to another series of pullys and Ulrich decides to go up alone. He finds a door with no handle and just sys fuck it and kicks the door in, his leg goes through the wooden door and gets stuck, an alarm sounds. He frees himself and says “super fuck it” and goes again to kick it down. He finds himself in a room of 5 onlydongs. It looks as though he has interrupted their lunch break. Shocked and feeling dumb as shit for not even thinking to check the other side of the door for sounds or smells or anything.(you should have sent aldannis, he would have figured it all out over the course of 4 hours) Ulrich gets stabbed in the neck and then retreats by  jumping back down to the tunnel and tells his friends he fucked up.

A fight begins as the remaining onlydongs drop down to get their blood lust on. Only dongs aren’t the formidable foes they once were to you when you were level one and you make quick work of the 5 even of the leader one who had a sword and looked a little bit bigger, they all went down pretty quick. SIDENOTE***There was a horrible rule exchange here about speed and retreating. I am not sure I was 100% right about it but I know Phil’s logic was all kinds of wrong. I will look into the rule books and get an answer for next time.

After all the onlydongs are dead you three head up to the room to find a few interesting things. First you see a bell rigged to the wall, it’s a service bell nothing more but it is linked to a wire or stirng that goes under the top of the door frame. It looks like it was put up by someone who didn’t fully know how to do what they were told to do. You also see a rat with a zanelli go pro attached standing on a red button saying “ALARM OFF” next to it is another red button that says alarm on. You ddidn’t realize it but the alarm had been shut off rather quickly after the only dongs went after you. Rolen takes the go pro and tries to steal it but thinks better of it once he puts two and two together realizing the rat is there to help. Awkward………IS ZANELLI LOOKING OUT FOR YOU?! What do you think???!!! You hear a loud sound of bwwwwwwwaaaaa sheeeeeeeeeeeee bwaaaaaaaaa sheeeee that is continuous and also various other banging and other sounds. The bell rings and the rat scurrys out of the room and dwon to the tunnel. You decide to get the fuck out of this place and head away from this place. You go back to the intersection and head south (right turn)

You walk about 300 yards and end up another series of pulleys but this one is a bit different. There are 3 pulleys and a long wooden board across the three. The pulley area is surrounded by white stone as is the walls going up to the opening (8X3 feet) there is no door. The Three of you head up and find a bunch of embalming stuff and tools and a cart and some other shit. Out the window you see a trash heep. You are on the first floor. You see a shadow behind the only door in the room and get into position. Rolen turns into Bathgaye, Ulruch hides behind the door, and ALdannis hides in the corner. A man in a brown robe enteres and syas “I thought you had gone to bed master, what can I do for you”. Rolen as Bathgaye waves him off and the man leaves. Ulrich waits a whole 2 seconds before he opens the door to check out the space and the man turns slowsy again and asks “did you need me master? I just left and now you are opening the door so you must need me obviously because only an idiot would open a door that I just locked from the outside if they were trying to be sneaky so you must need something.”  Rolen as Bathgaye waives off the man again and the three of you check the room for goodies. You think you are somewhere near the temple and you know your on the first floor of whatever it is that you are in.

Above you a loud screaming sound is heard “YOU SAW ME!!! IM ME AND IM HERE!!!” a Lound boom shakes the entire building and as the dust settles you hear something coming down the stairs toward you.

This is where we stopped.

If you have anything to add please add it. This recap took like 2 days to finish. I think I got everything. I hthink it was one of our best nights yet. Hard to believe its our 9th!

What are all of you thinking is going on now? Are the pieces coming together or is it still loose as Dana? Have you changed your mind on anything you previously thought? Is this still fun?

Also we should schedule a night (I can do it at my place) to do this live. I am thinking beer and stuff in the garage til we pass out. I will cook a bad ass Adventure MEAL. Let me know. We should do it before Phils son Ulrich is born. Name your baby Ulrich.

I am proud of Aldannis that he did not stab any of his friends this go around even with his new knife.

Love you losers.

See ya soon.

Your DM''' '''

RECAP 10

RECAP!

What a night. Lets get to the good stuff.

The air was heavy with anticipation but that air was quickly let out in a depressing half hearted blow when the announcement came that Rolen was stuck in a tulip farm (sex term?) and that the trappings of said tulip farm would not allow him to return to the dimension of which Ulrich and Aldannis currently reside in. while Rolen was absent, the group was graced with the presence of the ever evasive Dicktoes; their on again off again traveling companion. Dicktoes discussed his travels and spoke of mountains so vividly that it was almost like you could see them but his concentration would break as if he was under a spell and his glitcy ass would make strange sounds and dick sucking noises which caused a spell of hilarity amongst the group. While a minimal amount of strategy was discussed the only action that was taken was the sharing of ANKLEPANTS who is a man with a mask with a dicknose that responds to sound and is fucking insane. You may meet him in your travels, perhaps he is the onlydong king, perhaps he is just a nomadic traveler, forever destined to his hermatic lifestyle due to his disfigurement, perhaps he is your best friend or worst enemy, perhaps we never speak of him again, only time will tell.

Ulrich drank some ale and imbibed the fairy leaf of green while spacing out on a regular basis. At the end of the adventure I believe Ulrich stated that he was too busy whacking off which caused him to be unable to speak with Dicktoes over the temporal realm communicators. This was a very low point in the friendship between the two as I am sure Dicktoes would have liked the company on his journey through the snowcapped mountains of TOKAK. Ulrich used this time to practice for upcumming fights while Aldannis just painstakingly organized his knife collection first by size then by stabbability, and finally by ability to decisively directing doppelganger disemboweling.

The night ended abruptly, Dicktoes was saddened, Ulrich was sexcited, and Aldannis contuined to repeat the phrase "I got that assburgers on lock down."

Heart-

Colin

RECAP 11

You three quickly jump out the window of the room, and expertly land in a pile of hot stinking garbage. Aldannis reaches out to try to close the window behind him and ends up trying to kiss Ulrich on the lips!!!! I knew there was some hidden love behind all that stabbing. Aldannis tried to cover his tracks but failed and the rest of you just said fuck this and hid. Ulrich decided to hide in an old refrigerator (for some reason this was a big thing when I was a kid like all these kids were getting stuck in old fridges and dying so I remember a PSA about it and I think a punky Brewster episode….. or maybe it was all a fever dream), the rest of you  found a hiding place amongst the degraded piles of garbage and hid yourself quite well (aldannis in a sleeping bag and Rolen behind old cabbage). A loud booming voice and very bright light are seen and felt (cuz none of you can see) and you hear a bunch of crashing and shit inside the room you just jumped from. The voice yells out the window “I KNOW IT WAS YOU ZANELLI…” and you figure out its BATHGAYE. He’s pissed and way more powerful than you were able to deal with fo shiz.

After the ringing in your ears subsides the sound of Ulrich pounding on the interior refrigerator door is heard. I think he waited two seconds before he started to possibly give away all of your hiding places. But the door is opened from outside and the loving face of Zanelli himself is there to pull you from your refrigerator tomb. The three of you follow him back into the garbage heap fortress and he sits you all down for a little chat.

After a super non-trusting vibe from you three he tries to hook you up a ton and he gives you a bed to stay in a a shot of some good whiskey. You tell him about what went down and you give him back the knife for the green stone (he didn’t want it anyway but the knife gift was a big part of establishing a better relationship with him). He tells you he killed bathgaye with it but the next day bathgaye was back and that’s when he left the temple. You three still don’t trust him so you stay up and can’t get back to full power (Aldannis is able to because he is all elf and shit). I think we spent an hour talking about how you would do rounds to stay awake cuz your untrusting as fuck but whatever.

Things you learned over breakfast:
 * Zanelli was down with the stone Giant he used to learn from him and the stone giant was chill as fuck but would defend the town if needed.
 * Zanelli killed bathgaye but bathgaye came back (or something posing as bathgaye).Thats when zanelli left.
 * Once bathgayes arm was in the case he changed and stared to expolite the people and children
 * Zanelli wants to restore XC back to what it was and make it an awesome place again.  He dosen’t want to reign but justs wants to get rid of Riely, Bathgaye and the Factory.He wants to blow it all up.  He honestly thinks it’s the only way.
 * The stone giant was desktoryed by bathgaye.
 * The factory has people going in and out with a ton of onlydongs coming out of there on the reg.
 * The rats can’t stand bells.  (I overheard becky suggest earpulgs as an option.  Zanelli tried this but it ruined their equalribium and made them just lay down and not move, so he figured no earpulgs with interruption is better than earplugs and no info)
 * The cemetery wasn’t always so horrible, that’s new, since bathgaye turned.
 * I PROBABLY FORGOT SOME SHIT SO PLEASE SHARE  IT

Zanelli cooks an amazing breakfast and through a whole bunmch of talking he decides to join you on your journey to see the stone Ginat and the Giants of KORI. He is so down but he still thinks that blowing the place up is the best option. He hooks you up with JERKY and gives Ulrich a dope see through brest plate that is heavy, strong, and pretty fucking dope. Its made of CRYSTMENTORN a mix of crystal cemenet and iron that is for some reason see thorugh.

You set off with your new fighting companion into the maze to go and see the Giants of KORI. Your about to get inot it with a group of ARLO MONSTERS when the ever awesome and super dope DICKTOES comes out of nowhere to open up a can of badassness on this place and blows the maze into a huge ass open circle where compbat can start. He hovers and never joins the fight but You fight a group of ARLO MONSTERS and take some damage but make pretty quick work of them. Zaneeli saw a danger coming donwn the pike and rushed to save you all. After defeating the Arlo Monsters you run to his aide. As you enter the darkness you see him holding up a blob of dirt and snot, a blob with six arms and a fucked up head and he yells back to you all “FINISH HIM OFF”

Ulrich jumps on the head and puts in his axe and hammer but it dosen’t do anything besides eat up his axe and hammer (I was sooooo gonna keep those man, I could have been a real dingus but I gave them back to you cuz it will be more fun with a glowing axe)  Eventually it dies and you go up a tube to the middle of the dead forest.

You walk up on the Giants of KORI and guess what they sound just like Cory (thanks for spoiling the suprize bosese I was waiting on that reveal since the beginning.  Dick…)

You are there and that is it.

RECAP 12

 

Holy crap

I forgot to recap.

Head slap.

So wack

feel like my dick is in a bear trap.

I'm gonna Back track

over your attack track

check your back packs

for rock sacks

please fill in where the recap lacks

then give your selves a little dick smack.

Phil make sure you tell your wife and newborn that fantasy role playuijng is more important than being a good dad/husband. We have all neglected our families, Dan neglects more than any of us. (He has the most kids) So lets play Saturday.

Recap FOOLS

SO here we go………………..

Your standing on the top of this weird ass room with a door and a doorway. Dicktoes arrives in his trademark beam of light. and you fill him in on everything as he also heals Zanelli up for a hearty 12 HP. Ulrich wants to use stone cunning. Why does he always want to use stone cunning? I am seriously going to make a puzzle that is all based in stone cunning and if you fail I will remove your stone cunning and then you will be stone cumming. Rolen sends rizzo around the room and he can’t find shit. There is blood and guts and heads and dongs all over the ground cuz yall massacred those mo fos like it was an Aztec sacrifice on speed. Aldannis decides to start dropping bodies off the top and as he does (rolling for each drop) the pillars rise up incrementally. This goes on and on and I am guessing he had the idea to go back through the lady door so that he could talk to that food thief again and meander around like a goof. I am guessing this is where it was going until the door opens up and a MINDRAPE comes out. That thing spits mad fire mind tricks at yall and some of you are dumber than a box of rocks for a spell. Dicktoes tells everyone “Guys, we are dealing with a Cyclopes.” Amazing detective work dicktoes, simply outstanding.

Numerous attempts to strike the mindrape yeild no results as anything that touches him pretty much goes through him. When the arrow goes through him the hole it creates is quickly filled with smoke and the mindrape is whole again. (This is an elemental monster that Boese was begging for). Oh and it's a Cyclopes.

Ulrich takes out the green rock in a very smart attempt to hurt the Cyclopes eye (cuz....guys I think this is a Cyclops)**** SIDENOTE. I really like this idea, it shows your thinking outside the box I only wish I would have worked that into the character before hand. It's a cool ass idea. I will try to make up cooler monsters and shit. It's just a ton to keep track of...... boo ho poor me.

.  It doesn’t work and the MINDRAPE steals the rock and runs through the door only to have it slam behind you.

As you open the door you see yourselves. They look tired, worn, and beaten. They tell you to turn right. Just turn right. And they tell you to tell the yous later when you can to do the same. In a fucking insane ass turn of events you all trust the future yous and you breeze through this golden stalagtight filled cave maze and end up at  the mouth of a large room to the east and a small door to your north. You open the door and see the past yous and tell them not to use the rock (too late). Then you tell them to turn right and only right and to tell the yous later and ..... you get what I'm saying right. SIDENOTE. There was a lot of discussion about fucking your mom or something at this point. I know we talked back to the future for a bit. I laughed.

You then turn right to end up at the main hall of the giants of kori. SIDENOTE. when did you all get to be so trusting. That maze was gonna be a fucking battle nest but you passed through it like brad on exlax.

It's here that you meet kori who tells you a bit about the giants and tells you that a man in a brown robe came through here years ago and put up all these weird traps. They also tell you that the giants you met outside are just trying to get back in. Lastly he tells you that the stone giant is one cool ass mofo who was dope as shit but was destroyed about 10 years ago. Kori gives you back the rock that the MINDRAPE had stolen cuz he don't give a fuck about no rock when he is surrounded by gold and shit. Even though the giants like shiny things this rock is just a little off and he is glad to give it back to you. Kori offers you a place to rest and tells you he can get u back to the garbage heap (zanellis hideout) but it will take some doing and might not be an easy journey. He sets you up with a giant golden bed that you all have to share and you rest for the night.

EPILOGUE this was not said in game but in putting it here as conical to the story.

As a heads up you are all at full strength now because you end up partying with the giants a little. Turns out these dudes have great weed. It's weed that you have had before but can't remember from where right now. When you hit it. You get high as fuck when they hit it they get dumber and high as fuck. They love this shit almost as much as they love shinny relics of the dead. You all rest up and regain all health and all spell slots.

Everyone roll a d4.

I will tell I what you get based off your roll during the next installment of...... THE CARVIS TRIALS.

Hope it's soon. Smooches douches.

RECAP 13

Dudes, that was pretty dope. I am calling this alternative compendium “Xavier City Nights….After Dark”

I can’t believe how well that went because I had no plan for the night except to do a fight challenge and a puzzle challenge. The fact that you all did so well was great and I love how Stewballs played dicktoes, brought a whole new level to the game. Not to mention that he played the entire 3 hours in the bathtub while drinking beers and whiskey (with a few breaks in-between where he tired showing us his dick..)

Fun shit losers-

Lets RECAP!!

Rolen and Zanelli are out of commission. Zanelli is still healing up from his near death experience and Rolen is using the down time to bond with Rizzo a little more. He has been acting pretty weird lately so this is no surprise. Ulrich and Aldannis have been up partying with the Giants of Kori and King Kori himself has taken quite a liking to the two adventurers. Over a particularly long night of tossing em back and blowing clouds he asks if you would be interested in a challenge. You accept. He asks you if you would like to go one at a time or as a group. You say one at a time. He says if you go together you will be rewarded more handsomely. You say fuck it and take on the challenge together.

King Kori leads you down yet another area of the golden cave to a large door. King Kori opens the door and you are all bathed in light and sound. The light quickly dims and emerging from the light source is an always amazing Dicktoes, he also looks cleaner than he ever has before, pristine and a bit pruney. The sound gets much much louder and as you look around you see that you are now in an arena filled to capacity by other Giants of Kori who are cheering in that old Kori way. They erupt when they see Dicktoes appear. These simple minds looooovvvvveeee magic, so they go bananas when he appears. King Kori closes the door behind you and your in the shit now. Ulrich tries to fly around the room with his fancy boots but quickly realizes he can fly, he can only asend up 60 ft up and 60 feet down to land in the same spot he started from. He is pissed about it too.

Your in a large arena floor that is split into two door choices. You choose right after thinking about splitting up the group. As you enter the door on the right you see that the floor is made up of small areas of stone (no stone cunning you fuck) and water. The western wall is moving up and down in a rythem….”GUYS WE ARE DEALING WITH A GUILLOTINE” Dicktoes is a fucking detective. Dicktoes tests how deep the water is and finds it to be at least as deep as his magic shalele staff, if not deeper. (insert dana joke here). Suddenlly out of the water come two red snakes looking pissed they try to bite at you. They are quickly defeated notwithstanding their  impressive size (insert dana joke here too). These red water snakes are six foot long by one foot girth (how bout a mavis joke for balance).

They are destroyed except for their head which quickly slithers back to the water and begins to sprout another body…..this is gonna be tough. The water then beings to boil and rise as an enormous 60foot tall snake and water beast emerges and tells you all to “LEAVE OR DIE”. You poke your dumbass heads out from behind a piller and two giant snakes are shot at you like bullets from a gun. This monster is no joke and wants to kick the living shit out of all of you til you die and shit, in that order. The fight rages on as Old Aldannis puts on some fancy boots of his own. As soon as he dawns them the water around him turns to ice in a 20 foot radius. Its thin but allows him to stand on it for a short time. He decides to run at the beast and kick it with his frozen shoes. He does and the leg of the water monster freezes and parts of it fall off. The snakes are totally helpless aginst the frozen shoe attack, but the rest of the beast slams all his body weight down on Aldannis and he takes a shit ton of damage. After stabbing and hitting and magicing around you three figure out how to kill this fool. Ulrich picks up aldannis and floats to the top of this beasts head, Aldannis says “ICE TO MEET YOU” and kicks him in the face. The mosnster beings to freeze from top to bottom and is finnaly finished off by the wordsmith himself….Dicktoes who delivers the fatal blow with his shalale. He says “…….uuuuuhhhhhhh….” and the monster is shattered into a billion pieces.

The water recedes and the guillotine door opens up and locks above you. Your now in the room to the west. On the floor is a large stone (GOD DAMN IT I SAID NO STONE CUNNING….from now on everything is gonna be plastic) circle with four smaller circles on it. The smaller ciricles are at 12 – 3 – 6 – and 9 (if this was a clock). There are 4 weirdo dudes with weirdo tattoos on their chest that keep saying “I don’t want to fight you but I have too”  And “We don’t but we do” or “we are here and we are there” and the awesome “We are and we are not”. You figure out that their names mean something and that the placement of their tattoo (which looks just like the symbol on the floor but with one of the smaller cirlcels filled in in gold) also means something. You ask questions and try to trick them into answering, they are so weird they just keep saying that they are but they arnt or I am but im not or whatever. These dudes were annoying as f in my mind. I am surprised no one just tried to off them.

It takes fucking forever and you take a ton of damage before you figure out this brain puzzle. The four weirdos end up on their rightful place in the room and the challenge is over.

You win some prizes. But the crowd you were once in front of has diminished greatly. These giants don’t give a fuck about a mind puzzle…..cuz they are dumb and can’t figure it out so they left.

King Kori gives you each a gift:

ALDANNIS   -Sleep Fiddle- makes living creatures fall asleep. The sleep happens after 10 mins of fiddle playing. Your traveling companions could cover their ears and this would leave them immune to the sleep fiddle

DICKTOES  -Fancy Pants-  Makes you much more charismatic +5 to charisma and gives a bonus +3 to intimidation. These are fly as fuck.

ULRICH---Locket with my map- Has a drunkenly scribbled drawing of the location for Ulrich's Tankard of Unending Brew (he’s been looking for it for ages). The X on the locket map is directly south of Xavier City!!! So close yet so far away.

Not bad for off the dome. So happy you figured out how to kill the snake monster. The 4 dude puzzle was funny to watch. Nanoon was supposed to be NOON and meant 12oclock.Tres was three, FLAH was 6 (half of 12) and NINE was NINE. You got it pretty good, so proud.

Fucking loved it.

Smooches douches-

RECAP 14

Heeeey Guyyyyyyyyysssssss-

What the fuck happened? This was supposed to be a side quest and ended up being a super important canonical adventure that included meeting a new best friend for life (see what happens when you don’t just kill everything…… Poor Rose and Gene.  This was ALL off the dome. I had the shadow idea before in the original text adventure game but the rest was all improvised.

Lets Recap-

Rolen is still bonding with Rizzo, it’s been kind of weird how much time he has spent with this spectral rat that is really just an extension of himself so I guess he is doing some deep deep mavis gape sized introspection. Zanelli is coming around and is almost back to normal but needs at least another full week of rest before he can go along with you all. He is sick and tired of waiting around and wants to get back into the shit. You ask King Kori how to kill a mind rape and he tells you “Heeey guyyyys its easy you just have to snuff em out. Heeeey GUyyyys”

SIDE NOTE ***** Giants of Kori are made up of space. Space like the vacuum of…. Or star wars and shit. They are also corporeal at the same time…I don’t know how to explain it cuz its weird but this is what it is so fuck you.

Aldannis, Ulrich and Dicktoes are asked by King Kori if they would like to help him out with something. He says “Heeeeeeyyy Guuuuuyyyyys” and tells you that there is a whole section of the cave that got taken over about 10 years ago and the Giants of Kori can’t get back there. It was a special place but now there is a wall and some fire that they can’t pass. The man in the brown robe must have built this too. You agree to help him out and your all at full strength. He gives you the directions to the space and it is needlessly confusing but you look down the hall and its like 100feet down.

The three of you walk down the hallway to find a very short wall of fire. It is infanetly deep (depth as measured by the distance from the top of something to the bottom not some dumb ass carpenter bulshit about how deep your mom’s asshole is.)  the fire wall is three feet high and twelve feet long. The cave hallway you are in is also 12 feet long so this fire takes up the whole of the widith of the cave hall. Genius Dicktoes tells Aldannis to put on his freezy boots and try to freeze the fire but Aldannis is smart enough to know that he can’t freeze fire but can freeze liquid. In a rare stroke of collective genius the group all whips out their dongs and pisses on the floor so that aldannis can step on the liquid urine and turn it into a urinecicle. It does absolutely nothing to quell the fire wall. So in another inspirational throught pattern the group decides they should cum on the floor and freeze that, they do and it does little besides bring the group closer together. The adventurers that cum together…..stay alive together??!

Finally the three figure out a way to jump over the wall of fire, wasn’t that big of a deal. Ulrich used his light loafters with a helpful push from Dicktoes, Aldannis and Dicktoes jumped over as one and behind them the fire went up to the celeing save one 4 foot long section that was still only 3 feet high. They then find themselves at a door with writing on it….”On this wall, shadows fall, fill the space, enter place.” The three see strange organic shapes on the wall and figure out that they have to replicate the image through their own bodies to cast a shadow that matches the image. Needless to say there was a lot of butt stuff but my fave was when Ulrich had to hold Aldannis and DIcktoes dongs in his dwarven hands. Pretty great stuff. You all loved it too….dont lie.

After going through the open door a loud roar is heard and black smoke and turhnder start to shoot up into the air from the souce of the roar. You hear foot setps and a door slam. In a weird non hesitant out of the norm way you walk toward the roar. You find yourselves in a very large room with tables and chairs and food and plates and a stove and a bunch of barrels full of fresh good looking food, tea leaves, and other food staples. At one point there were a lot of beings in this room but it is empty now. Ulrich tastes a tomato and its fucking awesome, fresh and home grown for shure. After looking around a bit you see a document on the table and reach for it. You notice that it is in very fancy writing, the medium is blood and that old fimilar TM wax seal has been broken. It reads like a telegram but you don’t have much time to read because two mindrapes come out the door and are suprized to seeyou there and go to attack you.

The fight is pretty epic but you figure out that you have to snuff them out with an empty barrel. Once that fight is done Ulrich decides to open the door to the west, in it he finds what looks like 50 onlydongs sleeping on the floor. His lack of abilty to check doors is hilarious to me. I even asked how he opend the door and hes like “im all in baby lets open the fuck out that door”  So the onlydongs are awoken by the enterence of our dwarf. Ulrich closes the door quickly and runs into the empty room that the Mindrapes came out of and Aldannis and DIcktoes follow.

The room is very quaint. A fire burns in the far side of the room which illuminates numerous picutrs on the wall of mindrapes at differnet ages, on vaction together, graduation from mindrape academy photots, you get the idea. Threr is also an empty crib and a bumhc of books. Some of the books are as follows but there are a lot of books in here:

How to be the best mindrape you can be Life after the loss of your baby mindrape The 7 habbits of highly successful mindrapes Mindrape quarterly There is also a ton of dean kontz here which is weird So your expecting

By this time after viewing the room the only dong door opens and 60 or so come out of the room and start to head toward you in a kind of zombielike way. Ulrich bars the door and has his shield out. The other two try to read the rest of the letter but somehow the hinges on the door giveway and Ulrich is on his back looking up at a gaggle of onlydongs (that’s the right way to say agropp of onlydongs right.,… a gaggle…come up with a better one…Dongparade?.....

The third door opens up qickly and out comes a humongous bug bear with two giant saber swords. It also has an amazing shinny cape while around its neck it wears a necklace made up of severed hands of various races. This thing is a beast tp end all beasts. It roars at you and asks what the fuck you are doing here. Through some awesome dialog you discover that the Bug Bear has been put here and cant get out. Its job is to watch over all the onlydongs The onlydongs BTW are scared as fuck of this bugbear and they run back into their room and slam the door. . The bugbear has been here for about 10 years and its best friends are the mindrapes that stay next door. Its shattered to realize that its best buds in the world are gone. Rose and Gene were their names, they just lost their baby and the bug bear now has to call their eldest child who is away studding mindraping at harvardmindrape to tell her that her parents have been brutally murdered. But the bug bear wants to even the score and asks if you can free it of this place. It says that there is a never-ending hallway which you look down and decide to start waliking down it together. Barry says “hold on a minuet” and goes to get her giant club, she then opens the door to the onlydongs and with one single swing she obliterates all of them. Barry aint nothing to fuck with. You find out her name is Barry. She wants out and you tell her you will get her out of there.

Through some awesome perception checks you powerful assholes find a glowing orb in the celing of the neverending hallway. It is blasted out and Ulrich floats up to find two glowing balls in a sack. In front of you now appears a door with two holes the same size as the glowing orbs a sign reads ONLY ONE SHALL PASS. Ulrich is awesome at caressing these balls. He proved that in the shadow puzzle but damn dude. Barry is confused as fuck cuz she walked down this path for over ten days and never saw any of this stuff before and you fucks get here and turn her world upside down. She kind of likes you three even though you killed her best friends. The balls go in and a door opens above you with a staircase going up. The light is strange but beautiful. Its rainbow. And the wind carrys with it the sent of lavender. Its heavenly looking. You all think about going out the door but Barry tells you starigt up that you can’t trick the man in the brown robe,  you agree and she sets off. Barry says “I can’t believe ive been so close to home this whole time. I am finally going home. We’re even now.. I will always remember what you did here today, and that you killed my best firedns but mostly that you set me free. Thank you. “

And she leaves the door closes behind her. Your clothes are still covered in the awesome lavender sent. Its so nice it sets you all at ease. You look forward and the fire wall is smothered out by melting piss and cum. King Kori welcomes you back and you all have a rest.

DONE

RECAP 15

 

So it was a quick night that was going to be a kind of side quest but ended up being another time where we met someone who is mildly insane. We didn’t move the story forward too much but be prepared....... because the end of this arch is very near. Prepare to level up to level 8 at our next meeting, your gonna need it.

Lets Recap!

So the night starts off with another chill sesh with old King Kori. He comes running in to tell you that the “Loud Light” has created a crack in the rock. The hole is too small for a Giant of Kori but it should fit the five of you if you go up one by one. After a bit of inspection on the golden ladder that was produced the five of you head out of Enola Rock and up to the tippity top. It must be said here that Ulrich is so hungover that he can’t even move and is almost lifeless. In a rare show of compassion Aldannis decides to carry his dwarf friend all the way up the ladder and across the expansive rock surface above. I picture this like he has a homemade baby bijorn and Ulrich is strapped in the front facing out leaving old Aldannis’ hands free to stab his other friends.

At the top of ENOLA ROCK you look north to see a gray hazey town (it dosne’t look like a good place to head), to the east you see an expansive ocean, to the west and  south you look and see the tops of dead trees that are so mashed together and gnarled that you could walk on them without issue. This is the dead forest. Your above it now and for the first time feel real sunlight, real fresh air is blowing in the wind, real colors, real everything. This is the first time since you entered Xavier City that you don’t feel impending doom and gloom, its almost peaceful……………until ….

As you walk down the worn path you come to a fork in the road where the path diverts into three separate paths. Right and left options leave little to mention. Looking straight ahead you see a small cabin with a bit of smoke coming from the chimney. It looks like a nice ass cabin from this far out. While the four of you are discussing what to do next your attacked by a giant spider with 16 legs. Two of you are tied up in its webbing and it starts to The spider immediately goes for Aldannis and shoots poision spider jizz at him. In a classic Aldannis move he whips Ulrich out the Baby Bjorn and uses him as a shield against the spiders attack. Ulirch takes 16 damage and still isn’t even awake. The fight is legit, Rolen uses some dope magic to make multiples of himself and eldrige blasts the shit out of it (but it only takes half damage on magic attacks). Zanelli goes in full force running under the beast but rolls a critical fail and slides well past his target like he was on a slip n slide at a mavis boy toy party. Dicktoes deals some serious damage to the 16 legged beasts and Ulrich awakes to find himself even more scarred than when he passed out.

The spider is getting its ass kicked by you as it starts to let out a ryhtmic call, just as that happens you see a figure come from the cabin. Its dressed in blue and barreling toward you. You pay him little mind and finish the spider off. Well battled gents.

As you look over the carcass of this enormous 16 legged spider the man in the blue robe comes up suprized as fuck that you were able to kill the spider. After talking with him a bit you find out his name is “CATCHER” (totally made up on the spot cuz Rolen said didn’t CATCH YER name…..was that obvious?) Catcher has been up here for 45 thousand years. He is basically immortal but only because he has made an awesome drink from the spiders webs. It must be distilled for a long time and is posion at first but thorugh the centuries he has discovered that it basicly makes him immortal. He invites you to his cabin for some awesome rainwaiter tea, frost popsicles, and dew based delicacies. His cabin is amazing. It is the coolest place you have ever seen, all made by hand and out of this world!!!! Hes a knife nut and has made a whole wall full of these knives. He is willing to trade with you if you would like and each of you were down. He also wants to tell you all about his ROBOTEC fan fiction that is super highly sexualized and weird as a mug but what do you expect from someone who has been on their own for 45 thousand years. ULRICH loves CATCHER. CATCHER He also tells you he ran away from his town RESPIT to get away from all the mean bullys at his school and he has never returned. He knows nothing about Xavier City but has seen the stone GIANT a few times but hasn’t seen him in like 10 years. CATCHER said the Stone Giant is fucking cool as hell. Super chill and would always say “SUP” to him when he passed by.

SIDE NOTE: CATCHERs home is ontop of the dead forest, its way up there so the only thing he would see on the stone giant would have been  his head.

You fill CATCHER in on your adventures up to date. He listens intently to everything over a hot cup of rain tea. You tell him EVERYTHING even the bits about how you had to fuck eachother for a puzzle. After you finish the story he tells you that he knows how to get you to the place you fought the lava monster very early on in your quest, which you know if you can get there you can get back to the trash heap and can go to your next spot from there.

He invites you to rest for a night and hooks you up with some snow drink that he has been saving for a special occasion. Rest up losers…..you will need it.

So that’s it. Not a very eventful night and sorry it was kinda weak. I was ty ty and wasn’t expecting to have to do another side quest. So fuck you. Next week is gonna be a big one regardless of who is there, Ill do it by myself with zanelli and Catcher if need be. The recap will be EPIC!

I failed to mention that Dicktoes turned himself into a UNICORN during the spider battle. Upon every single attempt at a hit the sound of Iron Maiden's "Run To The Hills" played in the background. His unicorn was named something......but I forget. Also he sprayed sprinkle shit all over everyone at one point. He stayed as a unicorn after the battle and during the whole time talking with CATCHER which is fucking awesome. He only stopped being a unicorn when he cut off his unicorn horn in order to get a dope ass knife from CATCHER. I think that's everything now. OH!! and boese saw the GIANTS of KORI in the real world which is awesome as fuck

Pretty sure the unicorn's actual name was "Sprinkle Shits." Awesome.

RECAP 16

Well well well. Brad finally decided to play and his impact was felt in a big way. For starters the night began in the dwarven hall of Ulrichs home nestled inside of deepshaft. The other players are surprised to see that the outside of this dwelling is just as beautiful as the inside. Each of the other players knows that he was a highly successful brewmaster but these digs are more akin to a kingpin drugdelaer or immigrant doctor. The DM is very happy for Ulrich. VERY HAPPY. VERY HAPPPY AND NOT JEALOUS AT ALL!!!

Rolen cracked many a good joke over the campfire but had to duck out early as he was being called by Abysum god of the darkened beans. (That's not a racist thing its a coffee thing.) He used magic rude leave spell as he quickly exited and did not even say goodbye to the random children in the cave. Aldannis kept flashing everyone his boobs which was very weird and made everyone uncomfortable. I guess this escalated to the talk of midget speedbaggin your ballsacks while you take bong rips.........???? Ulrich was quite the host and gave his guests all the best leftovers he could offer. At one point he even offered the half eaten grapes to a guest and a bottle of horse piss.....save some money on the food to get that double mahogany door eh? I AM NOT JEALOUS AT ALL! DIcktoes was missing in action but his presence was felt. A strange character was also in the cave dwelling with you who's presence made you all laugh a little more. You three combined to rank on him a bit more than normal and you all get an added 3 bond points which makes you better friends.

The night ended because the children took over the cave and ran the rest of the party out of town. They own everything. Even your souls!!! LOVE- DM

 

RECAP 17

Well….. Things are progressing. We missed Rolen but man yall did some serious recon. Things are getting pretty hot (literally) in the Old Xavier City Proper and if you don’t hurry this whole world may be in flames. This night saw the birth of the WEST COAST HOLY ROLLERS who I am thinking of writing a whole big legend for and incorporating the WCHR into the world………. we may have a spin off on our hands gentlemen Let’s Recap!

All of you wake up in CATCHERS awesome house above the dead forest to find that you are alone. Ulrich was the only one to actually follow through with the assignment and draw a knife so he gets a knife from catcher. The rest of you attempt to use the absence of your host to pillage his knife collection. Dicktoes is pretty pissed he no longer has a nose and thinks that stealing the most inconspicuous knife from his collection will grant him some type of temple of doom Indiana jones style regeneration of his sniffer. That knife is a good 30feet up on CATCHERS wall O Knives so he inlists the light loafered ULRICH to help him up. Just as Ulrich raps his dwarf arms around DIcktoes to float him up to the penitent man’s cup CATCHER comes in and sees the scene. He was out gathering some awesome dew coffee for you all and overlooks you trying to steal his shit.

You decide to get the fuck out and move along to head back to the trash heap. Cather knows the way and you all pack up to head out. ROLEN is still sleeping and you figure he will catch up somehow. Ulrich pisses on Rolens face………..why?............ cuz he could. Rolen is unmoved and continues to sleep, dreaming of the ROBOTEC fan fic CATCEHR has in droves.

CATCHER takes you down to the spot where you have to repel about 250-300 feet down into the floor of the dead forest. He gives you one last joke and you hear his signature laugh (HA HA HA HA HA HA ) as he sends you on your way. He also says if you need him just send him a signal…he has no friends so he is sad to see you go. Before you head down on these ropes you see CATCHER whisper into DICTOES ear and give him something in a slight of hand drug deal way. No one besides CATCHER and DICKTOES know what went down in that moment and none of you asked about it. You are all pretty creped out by CATCHER and ready to get the fuck out. Its not his fault….. he has been alone for soooo long…kinda explains all that ROBOTEC fan fic shit….only a fucking psycho would like ROBOTEC…that show blows ass on repeat….ANYWAY….. All repel down on the ropes that CATCHER tied off for you. ALDANNIS goes last and there is a yelling conversation from between ULRICH who is on the ground floor of the dead forest 250-300 feet down and ALDANNIS who is still on top of the dead forest as ALDANNIS tries to figure out how to keep this awesome rope. INTERNAL MONOLOGUE “how can I keep this and not fall to my death. This took so fucking long it was insane. In the end he comes on down only to slip up in typical ALDANNIS fashion and get tangled in the ropes only to be freed by losing his pants. Ulrich leaves notes for ROLEN that are very insulting but will lead him to your current location. He might be a bit pissed off from getting pissed on and insulted so ULRICH might have to deal with an angry warlock at some point soon. You also get some bad ass spider rope out of this deal that looks small once you roll it up but was long enough to get down the 300 FT drop. Everyone has some. AND YES IT CAN STICK TO SHIT YOU FUCKING UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS. I give you a cool gift and you always want more…Jesus I play this game to escape my normal life and you fucking greedy shits are acting like my dumbass kids…FUCK YOU!

Eventually you all enter the pit and go down further into the depths beneath the dead forest.

POINT OF ORDER:  At this point you are in the middle of the dead forest path where you fought the lava monster. You also were here before your months long vacation with the GIANTS of KORI. You used the tunnels from the trash heap to this point before rave dancing like lunatics. Remember that dictoes showed up to help you fight off some arlo monsters and made the tunnel a huge ass open space where before it was a narrow ass closed space.

END POINT OF ORDER

Zanelli says “NOT AGAIN” as he rushes toward a very large multi limbed blob beast. You all fight this thing and barely take any damage beast that Zanelli fucking brutalizes and the rest of you finally kill off. Ulrichs weapons kept getting stuck in the monster while Zanelli’s sword sliced that shit like mavis at an asshole convention (easy). DICTOES is intrigued and asks Zanelli how his blade didn’t get stuck to the monster. Zanelli pulls the amazing sword out and guess what! Seriously GUESS WHAT???? Its made of STONE….. And GUES WHAT ELSE……Ulrich uses STONE CUNNING….and guess what….HE FUCKING CAN USE IT HERE.

The sword is carved from the ultra-rare FUGAZI stone. The sword is light but strong and looks fragile but is able to take a beating and give one in return. It has a slate grey color but often reflects light which can give it a trippy effect. The FUGAZI stone is a large stone at the top of a mountain. The mountain is on the island of the stone giant and he and only he is able to carve anything from the FUGAZI stone. He made this for Zanelli as a gift…they were close.

After looking at Zanellis sword for a good 10 mins you all head toward the garbage heaven of the trash heep. As you walk closer you smell smoke and rush toward the garbage children's home. When you arrive it is in ruins. Burned out and ransacked. All of the go pros are smashed, it looks like a rat genocide took place here….so many tails. You find a child pinned by a rock spitting his last words out to you in a bloody mess as he explains that a bunch of onlydongs and a man in a brown robe came here looking for Zanelli. They told the children they would spare them if they gave Zanelli up and they refused and all died. This kid is on his last few breaths as ALDANNIS steals this kids neon yellow pants and puts them on his naked lower half. Fucking brutal… but he does look FAB U LOUS. (insert finger snap and head swivel) Zanelli is beside himself. You decide to put the VISOR on him and you all roll amazingly again to stay off its curse. The visor shows Zanelli the path you need to go and he tells you that you have to go to the factory, find the stone, and bring the giant back to life.

As you leave the ruins of the trash heap ALDANNIS decides to take a big fat dump on the steps of the temple. He rolls surprisingly well and takes a great sized poop right on the steps. Zanelli is a little pissed cuz he built those steps but he is focused on revenge at this point. As you walk out you can’t help but see fire and smoke erupting from the dead forest, you also hear screams. The fire is raging so hard that you can feel the heat and you are maybe a full mile if not more away from the flames. SHIT IS GETTING REAL.

THAT’S IT PIMPS.

Good night but we missed Boese. I am off for this SATURDAY and can’t play cuz I will be lame being a good dad and shit. Sorry Losers. Good news is we may get to see the real DICKTOES in the flesh this weekend over at Deepshaft if all works out.

RECAP 18

Wowza! What a night. We met some awesome new characters and fought some pretty amazing aspirations and great teamwork was shown by Aldannis and Ulrich who are usually stanning or punching each other. I KNOW I forgot to add some shit so please remind me so we can keep this sotry whole. LETS ROLL!

RECAP

The night begins sans DICKTOES, he mysteriously (can I still call it mysterious if it  is pretty much common now that he is in and out of this game like phil in Becky’s toothy vagina?)  The group is headed out of the ruins of the home of the garbage children, the place that Zanelli built as a hidden headquarters for his revolution is now completely destroyed and I think a piece of him went with it. He is resolutely walking toward the factory which you all decide is kinda dumb since you are sure to be seen by someone epically with ALDANNIS’s awesome new neon yellow little boy pant/shorts. A cloud of black smoke begins to envelope the group and out of it steps the groggy looking ROLEN who is mumbling something about dreaming of golden waterfalls………..fucking weirdo. You catch your friend up a bit on whats been going on and ALDANNIS asks him if he would like to take a dump on the steps. ROLEN declines. Above you a white owl is seen flying in a circle, it swoops down close to you just to show you that it is there and then returns to the sky to soar above you.

You all decide that stealth is the way to go toward the factory and ther is an awesome discussion about going house to house and killing all the inhabitants. This idea was proposed by the lawful good member of the group Ulrich which is fucking insane. In the end the group decides to send ALDANNIS (I was surprised by this cuz he is usually the clumsiest one in the crew but he does have that stealth  advantage and he put it to good use getting some pretty BA intel about the factory which he relayed to you upon his return. SIDENOTE (a BIG part of me wanted to make ALDANNIS fight something by himself just to see how it would go  like a rabid squril or something weird. I first thought you were splitting up the group but it was more of a recon mission. I am also surprised you didn’t send Rizzo.

After the recon mission is relayed to the crew you decide to walk up to the factory. Once the door opens you find two sleeping onlydongs who are obviously past their prime. You head into the office where you meet someone (his name was Phineas but you never asked you shitty fucks). Phynius seemed like he was too busy for you. His desk was covered in coffee cups and cigarette butts, tthere were adding machines and abacus and papers all over the fucking room. This place looked like a clerks office of a mad man hoarder but he knew where everything was and you assume he was good at his job just a little crazy. (I thik everyone in Xavier City is a little crazy.  The most normal person you have met so far has been Zanelli, or may be Barry (poor poor rose and gene).

Phineas says something like “Na Na Na Na NNNNNN n na an an a new RE RE CCC RRUITT recruits huh? GO GO GO GA GA GA GOOOOO GOO TA TA TAT TTTTAA TO TOT TO to LEVE LEV LEV level 5”.” His stutter is pretty intense. He tells you to go to level 5 for embroidery and sewing. Phineas is a bit smaller than Ulrich. he has no beard and is balding under  his green visor. He tells you to give him your keys and you can go right on up. Finally someone checks the fucking room and sees a shit ton of keys on the wall and you give him 4 of those and get a move on. As you leave the office you see that Zanelli has slit the throats of the two sleeping gards

You head up the stairs and see a room with a large number 5 on it.

SIDE NOTE ( I had three levels to the factory for you to explore.  Had you gone in any other room you would have been in the factory for another week for sure.  Its insane that you chose all the right doors and got to the BOSS battle so quickly. I hope you do a little exploring on your way out because this place took me a long ass time to draw out.  Actually fuck that, if you want to see the rest of it you can or you can just do whatever you want.  I also linked it up with the older sessions so that there was continuity and shit, but you fuckers have a way of breezing through mazes like no ones business.  It seems like every time I make a maze you fucking own that shit like brad at a tiny penis tournament.)

As you enter the room you hear the faint sounds of Rod Stewart playing FOREVER YOUNG as there are 5 long tables full of mindless looking workers sewing onlydong uniforms. They look like the same people you saw in RILEYS bar but all these old ass fools kinda look the same so…yeah. At the end of the room you see 5 very large onlydongs that are well outfitted and see you enter  and instantly recognize you as a threat. ITS ON. This is a pretty epic battle and when the lights go down in the city plays as the group hack and slash their way through these 5 large onlydongs. In amazing fashion they were able to stop any and all of the onlydongs heading for the alarm which really made things easy for you. You took some serious damage but persevered. The most epic death was probably the critical fail from an Onlydong who slipped and stiches himself to death. There were crits galore this night, both for and against.

SIDENOTE:  I forgot two things.

I am not sure when the one eyed white owl healed you, I think it was before you entered the factory but then I was thinking it was as you entered the puzzle room. I know it healed you but I don’t remember where. I know it must have been close to around the puzzle room cuz you needed those hit points before you got rocked in the fight. I don’t remember if Ulrich tired to kill Phenius or Ferb. SO I put it in here as if he tried to kill Ferb. I think you guys convinced him not to kill Phineas but didn’t have the same result or even had time to sway him as he went on his typical murderous rampage as only a lawful good character can when it came to old Ferb.

You enter the room to the back of the sewing sweat shop and find a freshly peed in bed which is very large and three doors. One you feel heat coming from it, the other cold air and the third nothing. You also meet FERB in this room who is a twin brother to Phenius and is basically the same dude just with a different colored visor. He is smoking three smokes at a time and there are paper coffee cups all over the desk. He is surprised to see you but a little annoyed you are interrupting his work (this is more out of fear that he wont get done what he was told to get done and not so much that he is annoyed by you.)  Ulrich has no patience for the stuttering small thing and he goes to strike him down with his axe. Bad move pimp. FERB fucking blocks that shit so quick with an axe of his own and almost laughs your challenge off.. Ferb then gives some serious backstory and context to his place meant here. He keeps the books for the factory. He and his seven brothers were captured by some only dongs and a dude in a brown robe. The 8 dwarves were from DEEPSHAFT and were delivering a brew made by ULRICH SACREMENTO to a small village. Their party was attacked and they were captured. Their beards and heads were shaved and they developed this horrible stutter. The man in the brown robe keeps them here to document their numbers for his boss. They are pretty fucking smart for dwarves and are all shells of what they once were. They hate it here but they are bound by the man in the brown robe. At one point ULRICH sees into FERBS eyes and can tell that FERB knows who Ulrich is...but its being held back for some reason.

SIDENOTE:  This explanation took forever due to his stutter.

You end up going in the middle door at his direction and you enter a room with a large statue in it of a golden Minotaur. You figure out the puzzle pretty quick (god dam it you lucky fucks I wanted you to go to the moon cuz if you did you would have had to fight two of them.  The Sun is the symbol of XC but I bet you weren’t thinking that.)

Once the puzzle is solved your rewarded by having to fight a ghost Minotaur. His golden façade crumbles away and leaves behind a spectral transparent image who has a solid golden septum piercing and a purple stone floating in its midsection. At this point ROLEN hits the hay and just starts sleeping in this room. WTF ROLEN?! The party tries to wake him but he is off in those golden waterfalls again and I think he is loving it. Next thing you know the glass ceiling shatters and falls on all of you. You take some damage but it allow s the ONE EYED WHITE OWL to swoop in and aide in battle. Blows are given to the golden ring and the stone and the Ghost-A-Taur gives out some big time hits. Yall are close to death and old Aldannis saves the day a bit. It is however short lived as you continue to take punishing hit after punishing hit. IF only there was someone who had knowledge of the dark magic perhaps this could have been a bit easier….oh well. In the end you three have the Minotaur on the ropes The ONE EYED WHITE OWL Is trying to pull the purple stone out of the Minotaur’s midsection and is beating its wings like brad beats his dong. Zanelli picks himself up off the ground after taking 20 points of damage and with only one point left he goes to attack. In a REAL insane roll he pulls a CRITICAL HIT and as Zanelli takes up his FUGAZI stone sword and does some serious ninja moves to get up and above the purple stone only to stab downward onto it to finish the Ghost a taur off.

This would be cause for celebration but as the transparent image fades into black smoke and floats out the ceiling you notice that Zanelli didn’t know his own power and he has impaled the ONE EYED WHITE OWL who is very close to death. Zanelli is crushed. You are all hurting. ROLEN is sleeping like a baby. You have the power to heal a dying character but do you use it on this OWL who saved your life and has had your back? Is it just an OWL? Is it KIRSTEIN? You now have the Marcotte touch and a dying owl, a purple stone and a decision. Now what do you do?!

End-

I forgot to add that Rolen decided to turn into BATHGAYE before you all entered the factory. This turned out to be a bad idea cuz Zanelli stabbed the shit out of him and he took some serious damage. Zanelli is laser focused on getting revenge for BATHGAYE distoying everyihng he has built so he is not playing and he is not in his right mind. I thought this was a super dumb idea and chalk it up to Boesey being super ty ty.

RECAP 19

The night was interesting. It had quite possibly the greatest parasailing adventure I have ever heard of and brought you even closer to your goal, but we kept getting interrupted by our dumb kids. We didn’t get nearly as far as I thought we would but at least you got to the map! Two months of hard work and planning brought us possibly the lamest map ever, but I didn’t draw it….Raphy did. You also got to find some journal entries. Yall know what Clem is down with, but the other two are a bit cryptic. (FYI I was really trying to get you all to the spot I needed to quickly so I kind of rushed a few spots.  My bad.) For this recap I feel the need to explain some of my decisions and stuff and give a little background of my thought process. If this is giving away too much or if you dont give a fuck then just tell me and I wont do it again but fuck you and die so…………..

Lets Recap

So the night begins as it left off last weekend. The ghost Minotaur has been defeated by a stunning strike from the FUGAZI sword but with its demise you are now left in a sticky situation (and not the normal kind of sticky situation you find yourselves in.)  Zanelli completely obsessed with rage filled revenge that he doesn’t even know his own strength and his fatal blow to the Ghost-a-taur left him with a purple stone and a Cyclopes owl on his blade. The owl is struggling for breath. Zanelli uses his foot as leverage to push the stone and the bird off his blade as Aldannis gets his heal on. The bird is healed for a few points as the group now gather up their items and start talking about what to do now. Of course the genius idea of “lets rest here” was brought up by the always willing to rest ULRICH but the group decide to just go out from where they came and head for the mansion. Just as they are about to leave the room the wind shatters the remaing glass on the celing and the group rolls extra shitty so that the owl takes the brunt of the damage. It now lays motionless on the ground except for its shallow breath. The group decides to use the Marcottee Touch and heal this living creature, who in turn repays them by resoring their health to full pouwer with an awesome scar giving touch with two circles on the front of your shoulder and one on the back. You now have a dope ass gang symbol scar that will unite you forever.

SIDE NOTE! I wasn’t trying to steer you to heal the bird. I really didn’t’ think you were going to. I did have the second glass shard drop planned from even before you went in the factory, I was thinking of like a second explosion kind of thing but gave the chance to dive out the way, but the bird cant dive and so I was thinking I would just roll for the bird but then you all rolled super shitty so……yeah. I did want to reward you for saving her, as I would have with anyone person or animal that you saved because you did use a huge gift on it. For instance if you would have saved a rando on the street you would have goteen some dope things or something. I feel like there should have been a reward for such an awesome gift. The healing was improvised as was the tattoo which I think we all need to get now. I was thinking (and planning) that you were gonna let it die off just from the impalement.) Lets just say I had a whole ghost KIRSTEIN thing that was gonna be kinda dope.  Oh well.  She can die another day. (Please don’t kill her)

Someone decides to climb up to the top of the factory using the super spider rope which the now healed owl takes up through the celling that just tried to kill it. There was a little convo about how the fuck going to the top is going to help you all and the question WHY was asked numerous times. The owl ties the magic spider rope (or sticks them) off to something and you then decide its stupid to climb up to the top and just decide to leave the factory the same way you came in without exploring anything else at all except reliving the awesomeness of touching a piss filled bed.

SIDENOTE:  there was a whole other room attached that you didn’t check out. The piss bed would have been solved in there, along with some other shit but I will work it in in another way at a later time. I am fiding out that the best way to ruin a planned campaign in DND is to use it. So fuck you all for all the wasted hours. (JK I am just going to have another piss bed somewhere else)

Just as you exit the Factory DICTOES arrives. You catch him up on everyhthing and he gives you a little more info on his background talking about his mom and dad. You exit the factory and waltz over to the mansion where you quickly fall asleep. I was surprised there wasn’t some insane ass talk about sleeping in shifts but I guess you guys were either tired or just trusted this space so much. DICKTOES uses this opportunity to talk to the owl and you find out its KERSTEIN. She was able to save all the children in EVERWATCH CASTEL just before BATHGAYE burned the place down to the gorund. She told you that the kids are being watched by the GIANTS OF KORI and are safe and sound thanks to your help. You opened the unaopenable door and you made friends with the GIANTS. KING KORI is basicly doing this as a favor to yall for being such badasses. POOR POOR ROSE AND GENE THO) As you wake up you ask Zanelli about this place and he tells you a little about it. he is going through a nostalgia overload. He hasn’t been in this space since the stone giant left and its kind of hard for him.  You ask him about the mirror and the old guy and he has no idea what you are talking about.  That wasn’t there when the SG was in town.

The group decides to go to the ISLAND OF THE STONE GIANT but aren’t sure how to get there. There is amazing talk about the fairy fairy who would fairy people to and frow. The fairy fairy would fairy fairies that were fairies or just regular fairies and he used to make bank. But hes gone now sicne there is no reason to go to the stone giants island. Back in the day when this was a peaceful place people from all over would go to the ISLAND OF THE STONE GIANT to buy his amazing wares. Since the Stone GIANT was a mulit-talented craftsman his wares were sought after all around the world. Anyway word is that the fairy fairy took his fairy, fariying it to a place that was more in tune with his fieriness. Maybe you will get to meet him someday. They say he went to smugglers bay. (IF that is from game of thrones I apologize, I had a lot of places to name and didn’t check the patent office for each one you slimy ungrateful ass eaters.)

You also have to figure out how the shit your gonna get past Old Kev-Dog. He has been jamming on his acoustic for a while now getting drunker by the strum and his song is all “fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. You put me here and now if fucking hate yuou I hope you die you suck you suck you suck….” (guess who he is singing about…) So after tying to figure out the lay of the land and seeing if you can get by without being seen (Aldannis shorts are like a fucking beacon of attention so……) you decide to just walk past old KEVIN all nonshalant and shit. He recognizes you instantly and is overjoyed to see you. Your basicly his only friends and he is so fucking pumped that he dosen’t even think about blwoing that horn He wouldn’t do that to his best buds. He shotguns a beer with you all and gives you some amazing beer can armor that adds 20 to your hp. ( I am a little suprize dyou ddidn’t go back to him at some point sooner, I thought I layed it on pretty think that he hates Bathgate and since yall are thinking about destroying him…….. oh well). Old KEV DOG wishes you well and sends you on your way. THANKS FOR TRYING TO BREAK HIM FREE BY THE WAY you fucking ungrateful bastards.

So this is where things get amazingly interesting. Your at the foot of the Invisible Sea. Its crystal clear and smooth as glass. In a rare stroke of genius the groups collective consciousness comes up with the most amazing spectacle of all time. ALDANNIS in his glowing neon shorts steps upon the water as it turns to ice under his freeze boots. Teahered to him by some white gooey string ((spider rope) and probably some other white gooey stuff too cuz your perves)) is the rest of the group who are all tied belt to belt with ULRICH who is gracefully floating above the water.  This amazing human powered human parasail almost fell apart twice but amazing roll after amazing roll kept you afloat. This shit was out of control and quite possibly the most awesome visual image of the whole thing.  Even better than the shadow puzzle.   Loved this.  The person who draws this picture will be given 3 inspiration points and an automatic level up.  This image is awesome.

You end up fighting a MANTIS MAN and two very out of shape and forgotten onlydongs. One is so bad he shoots himself in the foot with his cross bow. You make quick work of them and also find some journal entries that talk about a few major points:

They are lost and have been lost for a while in the cave They are looking for the SG too but havent’ seen shit and belive it to be a myth Nudes need to be sent (CLEM) Someone misses his daddy. SIDENOTE These journal entries are small clues about the world you will soon encounter and are just used for that reason and for the purpose to show you that your not the only crew who has tried to find/plunder/resurrect the stone giant for reasons to be discovered later. In some places the SG is a myth but in XC he is almost like a god. The fact that others have tried to reseruct him might be a clue to the rest of your world, maybe not.

So you end up on the ISLAND OF THE STONE GIANT where you are greeted by the entrance of a balck cave. You see skeletons with clothing from various tribes/cultures. From different times and realms. There are numerous signs that all say the same thing on them in different languages. “THE CAVE OF HOPELESS SHELTER”. And what do you fools do, you head right in. After taking a few turns you end up in a candle lit room. On the desk there are drawings of places and books of all different types lining the walls. Thre is a bed in this room that is freshly made and what looks like fresh footsteps on the ground. There is also a red robed skeleton humped over in the corner. DICKTOES inspects the skeleton and it jumps up and asks WHY ARE YOU HERE (in the coolest voice ever by the way). This is your first time meeting RAPHY CARTOG. His skeleton face is painted like a day of the dead skull and he tells you a little about what he is doing here and how he got here. (BATHGAYE CURSE). RAPHY used to make maps with the stone giant who would help him cuz he couldsee so far. ZANELLI recognizes him cuz they both used to hang with the stone GIANT. Raphy finds out that you are out to kill BATHGAYE and instead of telling you he will help you out he just gives you a map and makes a fucking run for it. He does tell you to head toward the light but that’s his only clue.

We leave it there. You got the map which is gonna help, and your close to the end of the cave…… or so you think.

LOVE YOU LOSERS

-C$

 

I also forgot to add that DICTOES now has a knife nose. His nose was missing and catcher made him a replacement that is a sick ass blade. His knife nose gives +2 damage and gives advantage on direct response to mele attacks

 RECAP 20

It was a pretty action packed night but a whole lot of the action was RIZZO based. That little rat did a ton of work for yall so I would look inot possibly purchasing some spectral cheese for him or something, maybe get him a spectral rat escort, cuz that dude saved your yin yangs by getting you the recon. I want to ask though, how far can he travel away from ROLEN? There has to be a limit, the reason I ask is because if I make one of these again I want to figure out a way to combat his recon ability, not remove it just make it a little harder. Like can he scale walls?, can he swim? Can he go through fire? What are RIZZOS limits? Boese please look this up cuz I be lazy and shit.

In regards to the night, I have been waiting for this for a month or more. I have to admit I am a little disappointed in my portrayal of the SG and he may change considerably next week, I will blame this all him being dead and then resurrected and all that shit. I emailed you all the prepared piece, I don’t know why, I guess you can chop it up and make me say a bunch of lame ass shit. Also I am sure I forgot some funny shit, I ended up staying up for a while and killing brain cells so……..yeah…Enough of all this BS………….

LETS RECAP!

The night begins where we left off last week. Your in the room where you met the best named character of all time RAPHY CARTOG. He had just given you the map and then took off like mavis to a leather convention. The group looks around and finds tunnels going one way of the other. They decide to send old RIZZO around to check out the space. You then decide to take the tunnel heading east and army crawl through muck and mud to end up in another cave space with many decisions to make. You send Rizzo out who basicly saves your ass like crazy cuz he stops you from being met with instant doom, saving you from a room full of only dongs. He then heads the other direction and……………he gone. You wait twenty mins and he is still gone. Rolen has completely lost contact with him and knows his familiar is in trouble. In a valiant move he rushes after the ghost rat and his counterparts follow him into the unknown light.

The group sees two specral snakes (these are ghostly looking enlongated characters who are magic as fuck, they are wearing robes and crowns adorned with jewles.  They are mostly grey or white and look like a transparent enlongated skeleton) As you enter the room you see RIZZO is trapped inside of a glass orb and the two spectral snakes turn to you and let out a scream that hurts like the dickens (yep). Every time they move they scream first and its piercing your virgin ears. They hand out quite a bit of dmagage to old ULIRCH as they harlem globtrotter the glass orbed bound RIZZO right into his face repeatedly, using his beat to fuck face as a b-ball court and RIZZO as the ball. They are pretty freaking good and I would hate to see a 3-3 cuz they would school the shit out yall on the court. You begin to do some serious damage through ULRICH”S axe and Zanelli asks for it repeatedly to use against them, ULRICH is all like “……NOOOOOPPPPPEEE” and then fucks off into the darkness to jerk it using his own blood as lube. He is out of the action for a while as the others attack the spectral snakes.

As they are attacked the parts that separate from the gohst parts become flesh and being rotting like right away. You find out that the shattered glass has a very nasty effect against these spectral creatures and use the shards (after freeing RIZZZO) to attack the specral snakes. You blast the shit out of them until the only thing that is left is a head of a man in a long white beard. You go to talk to the head and its super hard to understand him (I was breathing in and trying to sound like I was dying as he gave you info……it sounded cool as shit)  ROLEN got tired of trying to listen and understand this dying man so he went all telepathic and found out that this dude is quite a plesent fellow. His English sounding accent was hilarious as he told you that he and his friend were cursed and made to stop you from your quest. They weren’t put here by something bigger than bathgaye or them man in the brown robe or the faceless goddess but you also found out that BATHGAYE goes by all of those names. He aint nothing to fuck with but guess what, he is just a servent of someone/something bigger. The head then tells you he and his friend were royalty from WATERKEEP and their purple and gold robes show this to be true. He ends up croking but not before he has a good laugh at his predicament (more like NO dick a mint) ALDANNIS scoops up a campbells soup can full of the crystal glass…….for later……and shit……he wants to affix it to arrows………..or something.

You then send out RIZZZO again to check out some shit and he finds a golden chest in a room that was touched by an artists hands. The room has the same banners of the SG mansion and you all go to check out the chest. ALDANNIS tries to open it and that shit is locked like a vagina around phill. Only ROLEN can open it and as he does the rest of the group is assaulted by a bright light. It blinds them and makes them deaf (Hellen Kellered). Rolen then sees………………..

I AM OMITTING THIS BECAUSE IT IS AN EXPERIENCE THAT ONLY ROLEN HAD AND HE CAN SHARE AS MUCH OR AS LITTLE AS HE WISHES.

In the end you get a dope ass coin that shines like a sun. It has a golden leaved tree and says GOLDEN OAK WILL RISE AGAIN. It is magic AF but your noth sure how or why. You then send RIZZO out again and he saves you from entering a room of 6 bug bears so yeah he is the shiz. He also guides you out of the cave.

As you walk out you are greeted by an overgrown outdoor temple looking area with a rock carved into the shape of a human head missing its eyes nose mouth and ears. Zanelli steps over a plack that he can read but says it dosen’t make any sense and he seems insanely nervous ( a look you have never seen on his face). You place the stones you have acquired into the rightful places and the following happens:

INSERT THING I MADE HERE

Then you meet the SG who is basicly all like “SUP” but he will be differnet next week cuz he is all groggy and shit. He tells you that the faceless Goddess and Bathgaye killed him and he lets you all rest. He burries Zanelli in earth leaving his head exposed and says something about being able to bring him back. ULRICH thinks very hard and long about stealing zanellis sword but thinks better of it cuz it would be a fucking dumb move to steal fro mthe dead who just sacrificed themselves to save you and a whole city. HONESTLY I thought someone would try to take his sword and I had you pegged for it ULRICH so I am glad you lived up to the hype in my head.

SO that’s pretty much it. Yall resurrected the Stone GIANT. ZANELLI is dead by his own hand in order to save the city, and your left with some unfinished business now with BATHGAYE. KIRSTEIN is MIA, the children are being watched over by the GIANTS of KORI, EVERWATCH CASTLE is burning, the GARBAGE HEAP is obliterated, and things are about to come to a head.

INSERT THUNDERWOLF HOWL ….

THAT S IT.

-C$

DUDEs how funny is it that brad gets all of these.....that's just a rando thorught

Two small additions--

--should be mentioned that Dicktoes was there at the very beginning, but disappeared right away to go turn some water into wine or some shit.

--you didn't mention how I awesomely tossed glass in the face of those ghosts and then kicked one of their severed, corporeal halves in the balls just to poss them off. I took a bunch of scream damage, but totally worth it.

RECAP 21

Well gentleman we made a lot of headway in a very short amount of time. I want to thank BOESE for staying on an extra few mins so we could give the preview of the upcoming battle. And gents….it’s gonna be a serious slug fest. But rather than dwell in anticipation for the head of BATHGAYE, why don’t we recap our last meeting…..shall we?! FYI the first part of this is all exposition that you had with the SG who told you a lot. You did a 4,000 questions with him and he answered everything patiently but in the end wanted to go and fuck some shit up.

RECAP

The night begins where we left off the following week. No time has passed in the interim. You are talking with the STONE GIANT who gives you kind of a recap of his own about what happened to him and what XAVIER CITY was like prior to the arrival of the FACELESS GODDESS. It was said that the STONE GIANT has an awesomely low voice that sounds really cool but I can’ keep it up so use your fucking imaginations for once you lazy bitches. The STONE GIANT tells you he made the visor, he tells you it takes a long ass time to make FUGAZI stuff, he told you that he told ZANELLI revenge would be his downfall. He also said there is a chance that you may be able to bring ZANELLI back (he’s sure of it). Who knows what that entails or if ZANELLI will ever be the same (FRANKENELLI)

The STONE GIANT tells you about the brainwashing liquid that was served to the people of the town changed them and made them follow the will of the FACELESS GODDESS and her servants. The green fizzy mixture was served to the people in the church and in the bars He knew RILEY and RILEYS DAUGHTER (you thought they were the same person and you were wrong AF). It made the people turn on their children (who could drink the mixture but were immune to its effects)   the adults became zombie like slaves that tortured their kids and made them work in the mines. They themselves worked in the factory for many hours a day only to then go to RILEYS to drink more and more of the fizzy brew. XAVIER CITY used to be an amazing place, a thriving place full of greatness. Amazing products came out of this major city that is known across the realm as one of the greatest cities in the world. The children would go to school and play; they would learn a craft and grow up happy. The adults were also happy loving people who worked hard but did good with what they could. It was a true exemplary pillar of what a city could be……..then the religious cooks came in with the FACELESS GODDESS. Word had been spreading through the realm about an evil force that was taking over cities and towns. The FACELESS GODDESS is only one of those forces but the name has been mentioned with fear across the realm. This is one side of the evil that has come to this world and there are more…..it’s just unknown how many, how widespread, and how powerful they are. THE STONE GIANT was killed by the FACELESS GODDES. He was broken up into pieces and laid to rest on the island. He has been dead for around 10 years but he isn’t sure if its 10 or 8 or 6. (I was working the timeline out in my head and its 8 years cuz the evil came ABOUT 10 YEARS ago.)

The temple used to be an amazing beautiful place. The stained glass windows made people cry tears of joy when they gazed upon them. They were so amazingly beautiful that some people believe they were created by the hand of a god. The STONE GIANT is very proud of his pupil ZANELLI in his craftsmanship of the stained glass. He was sad to hear that they are covered up and painted over but understands the reasoning behind it.

There was some other shit he told you about but I don’t remember so if you do please fill us in.

The SG is getting inpatient and tells yall to make up your minds and move out. There is a shit ton of discussion on how to cross the invisible sea but you end up just riding on the SG’s head as he walks along the ocean floor. As you breach the beach at dawn you see two forms in KEVINS area. You send out RIZZO the RAVEN who sees a body of something bleeding on the steps of the mansion and confirms the two forms in KEVINS space. You also don’t hear KEVINS signature awesome punk rock jamming………..

You sneak up and see what you can see. Then the horn blows. The deep deep sound of brown note goodness hits you on the inside of your bellies and rumbles through you bodies almost rattling your bones. The sound is so fucking loud that everyone in the whole realm probably knowns you’ve arrived. ALDANNIS draws his bow back and shoots hitting one of the shapes in the face and another in the leg. ULRICH lays waste to the two red heads. In an assassin type attack the faces are slashed and you approach the blood stained ground where you find RILEYS DAUGHTER. You also find RILEY who is clinging to life. He is pissed (and probably has pissed his pants) RILEY IS ALIVE well at least for a little while longer. He lied to you in his rap and his daughter lied to you as well. He was profiting from the way things have been in XC and he wanted those kids back. He just wanted you to get the children free bring them back to him and now you set off this whole thing…WTF? Riley tells you he had no choice and tries to get some pity from you….This is when the best line in the whole game is uttered.

“WHOSE THIS DEAD BITCH WITH HALF A FACE?”  ALDANNIS you fucking pitiful bastard, you have a way with words. While everyone else had figured out that this was RILEY and his DAUGHTER old ALDNNIS was still left in the dark which allowed him to say this amazing line. RILEY didn’t like it too much and he used some of his last breaths to take a bite out of ALDANNIS’s balls which made ALDANNIS take 10 points of biting damage and turned his neon shorts from yellow to red in the front and brown in the back. You then kill RILEY. The question remains though? Where The Punk is KEVIN?

LONG ASS SIDENOTE:  Riley is/was a fucking bad dude (not BAD DUDES like that awesome NES game). He made you think he was dead, and once you freed the kids planned on killing all of you and putting back into place the slavery and shit. He wanted you to stay away from KERSTIEN and was hoping his warning of “beware of the sweet song it fuck you like a long dong” would scare you away from her…..it didn’t work. His daughter was in on the plan. They were the pushers and producers of this horrible scheme. If you would have explored behind the bar a bit more you would have seen the insane amount of brewing and tech shit that turned the shit that RON gave you and began your quest with into the perverted shit that brain poisoned the whole town. You would have also seen RILEY working in his lab (late one night) I had a whole thing planned for all that but you never checked it out. You would have also found numerous notes and books full of numbers showing receipts and purchase orders along with instructions from a place and a group on how to do certain things. There was even a whole prerecorded thing where you were going to hear him on a conference call with his daughter and an unknown person/being. I will work the ideas and details into the next arch but just thought you should know because it was a part of the story that got skipped over. It wasn’t central to this arch but did give some foreshadowing to the rest of the world. I needed you to know all that because it helps tie up the loose ends at the end of this. I am working on kind of an after show idea like those TALKING DEAD shows they do after watching the walking dead and you can ask how shit was supposed to fit together or something. Not sure if we will do that or not or if I will just make a prepared compendium of the XC times and fill in all the gaps with that….IDK. BUT yeah….. Fuck off.

So you leave the dead bodies of RILEY and his DAUGHTER and head for the temple. Like something out of an old spaghetti western you stroll down the street lined with people form XC. You see Phineas and Ferb, you see RAPHY CARTOG, you see rando brainwashed old people from XC. A Cyclopes white owl flies overhead. Smoke rings come from above the canopy of the dead forest and the echo of the awesome laugh of CATCHER. A GIANT OF KORI lets out a roar in the distance and the BWADABASHEE looks on from the cemetery gates. (ROSE AND GENE could have been here but you killed them you heartless bastards)

As you approach the temple you are stopped in your tracks by five arrows that hit the ground right in front of each of your feet. The arrows are made from bottle tops and old cans of beer. You look up to see KEVIN with his bow drawn, his eyes are now a blue light and his face is emotionless. His movements are jerky and stiff where before he moved like a drunken master. At his feet you see your thunderwolf in her rainbow coat; her mighty size slumped over in a heap of blood and fur. She is clinging to life. When she sees you her tail wags or at least what was left of her tail wags. From inside the temple you see a figure in a brown robe sitting at a pew in the front of a black alter. He says…”I FOUND YOUR DOG” and then he laughs a maniacal laugh which reverberates around the temple walls and rushes out at you like a freight train. This is the battle you’ve been working toward. This is the final step in this twisted ladder. This is the end. But will it be the end of XC? The end of BATHGAYE? Or simply the end of YOU?!

We find out next time…………………

-

C$

 

I'm quite happy with my quote, but also gotta say that Ulrich's "I just destroyed your daughter, and not in a good way" was fucking hilarious.

I totally forgot about that. inspiration points for both.

I'd like to submit the MASTURBATING BEAR. We can summon the masturbating bear during battle. The bear makes an appearance, creates a diversion allowing us to attack with any significant defensive maneuvers by our opponent. After our attack, the bear can maul or finish on our opponent for additional damage.  

RECAP 22

Talk about a slug fest. Y'all be fighting, magicing, and forcing a man to get alcohol poisoning. It was awesome. I have been putting off this recap cuz recapping battle is kinda tough and I hate doing it, there is sooo much to cover and I'm sure I don't remember most of it and I'm sure what I do remember is gonna be out of order. So I will begin this by saying FUCK YOU ALL. And I guess thank you for putting up with this for as long as we have. But mostly fuck you. I will also tell you that I have tried very hard to establish a cool reveal hat didn't happen because brad is a fuck head. I asked him for weeks to join us even or one night and he keeps being a dingus. I'm gonna try once more and if he doesn't come through (he does cum through his boxers but that's just because his tiny penis points directly outward at a 90* angle to his flubby body through that hole in his boxers which im sure are worn to smithereens from all the dry humping he does with his Xbox controller) if he dosent come through I'll do the reveal myself. What an asshole. Ok so I'm stalling. So what. Fuck you Let's RECAP FOOLS! so here you all are. At the beginning of the biggest fight pyou've ever had, the 5 of you (ULRUICH, DICKTOES, ALDANNIS, ROLEN, AND THE STONE GIANT) are walking down the Main Street of XAVIER CITY heading toward your doom. Possessed kevin has his bow drawn, his vacant eyes glowing a blue light as his body shakes and shivers (he's fighting this possession...... but he is losing). Your thunderwolf is at his feet. Bloody and dying. It's tail slapping against a pool of its own blood as she catches your scent. She is happy to see you. But her end is near. Bathgaye is laughing so loudly that the echoes of his cackle bounce through the temple and fly out the doorway with the power of a strong and steady wind. And it is here that You have a long conversation on how to proceed. Is this a trap? Is this even real? Can you save KEVIN (all of you are sure you can........why?)? Should you heal the thunderwolf? Should you just run the fuck away and leave this city to the evil that currently controls it? You decide to fight. Out of the door come ten enormous only dongs. These things are like onlydong prime. They are massive. Each are Larger than a bugbear, and seriously determined to fuck you up( or just fuck you. You never can tell with an onlydong). Rolen casts a bad ass spell that creates a circle of horrors around the whole group. They are a bit easier to pick off while they are in this zone of death. It they still deal a hearty amount of damage to the party. The lead onlydong catches a lumber priest to the face courtesy of ULRICH. It proved to be a significant marker for all the party except for ALDNNNIS who shoots everything in the face. SIDENOTE. No offense dan but you for real have to step up your imagination game shoot them in the dick, eye, balls, shoot something over their head and make it fall on them, wipe your ass with an arrow for extra poison damage, come on man. This i shoot everything in the face thing is B S anyway cuz if it was true you wouldn't have 3 kids. BOOSH!!!!

The stone giant deals some serious damage and crushes theee of the onlydongs in a single swipe turning them into nothing but splattered guts and pulverized bones. Fucking awesome. Ulrich takes out the heart of one of the onlydongs as the blood of his still beating heart pumps all the way down to the dirt street creating a puddle of blood. DICKTOES wields his shalelei against the 10 ODs and offs three of them. His presence has been much more reliable thankfully to you all. Who wouldnt want a GOD on their side? Rolen blasts and kills from afar and offs a handful of the giant onlydongs. He seems determined and almost renewed in his dedication to the group. He fights with a confidence none of the rest of you have seen before. It's inspiring and a little bit off setting. Near the end of the battle ULRICH sneaks around the horror pit (I know it's not a pit but I thought it was a pit the whole time until the end of that section so I'm gonna say it was pit-like) and heads toward Possessed Kevin who doesn't notice him because kevin is fighting his possession so hard. The last of the only dongs is slayed and the horror pit is aborted by abortion master ROLEN. ALDANNIS heals the thunderwolf who is healed but looks like she was a drawing done by a 5 year old then the drawing was sent through a tree shredder and then glued together by a blind child with no arms. (and not glue sticker but sloppy elmers glued). The. You turn your focus on kevin. ULRICH produces some ulrich sacramento (his favorite drink of all) and Kevin's eyes come to focus. He is fighting the possession and trying not to shoot his arrow at you you. The group gets kevin to his knees and the on his back (this was also coincidentally stewballs MO in college, and mavis"s MO for life). Ulrich forces the drunk down Kevin's mouth but it dosent take. Ulrich holds Kevin's nose and pots down some more of the brew and kevin starts to surrender but the spell is not truly broken until ULRICH kisses KEVIN in a weird cpr Mouth to mouth mother bird regurgitation  water/beerboarding move. Kevin's eyes come back and the glow of pale blue light is gone. He stumbles up in classic Kevin style and he says "what. No tongue?" He's stoked you saved him but he has a major hard on to get revenge. Where there were 5. There are now 7. The fight enters the temple. Bathgaye continues laughing and he waves his right hand. The entire floor falls and the pews burst. The ground is covered in smoking cinders and small fires as bathgaye turns into 6 bathgayes with different colored staffs. They are behind the alter (36x10x10) an obsidian black box that looks like a void. The bathgayes are in order Blue staff Green staff Yellow staff Red staff Orange staff Purple staff. Blue strikes first by spearing the stone Giants foot. The staff turns into a railroad spike and makes the giant almost stationary. The green bathgaye possesses ulrich for a few seconds and makes him hack at his own legs with the lumber priest (forgot to say that ulrich retrieved that from the face of an onlydong prime). Aldannis shoots at the face of the green bathgaye (surprise sulfide) and the arrow passes right through him. Dicktoes then does something g amazing(he is a god so......) and turns himself again into one of the most amazing characters of the game. SPRINKLESHITS!!!! This time the horn of this unicorn is a spiraling knife made of pure steel yet this is not the most interesting thing. Now there is a sadddle. With embroidered dyed pink leather lettering that simply says "KEVIN". Kevin looks gape jawed at this and then looks down at the dirt, swivels his shoes, kicks some dirt and looks up and smiles shyly. A tear runs down his face. He mounts SPRINKLESHITS and now the two do battle as one. Aldannis casts ring of smoke and the whole crew gets open shots at the bathgayes taking out the blue one who falls and shatters into a million pieces like glass his cast first to hit the ground and be decimated. Where he once stood a partial crown is now placed. It has skulls on it and gold, rubies, and diamonds. It looks familiar. Aldannis decides to talk some shit to bathgaye and finds that it's a bad idea. Bathgaye sends a spell over that makes Aldannis shit out of his own mouth, and  two turds get stuck and petrify in the cavities where rose teeth once were. He now has a literal shit grill. (Your gonna take some charisma hits on that bud) At this point Rolen Disappears as do the remaining bathgayes. It only last a minuet but it seems like an eternity. The bathgayes return to the spot they held before they disappeared and Rolen comes out swinging. He casts a bad ass spell that kills one of the other bathgayes. Then a hail of thorns falls all around and the bathgayes take more damage but are still looking good. The stone giant uses his turn to start a tracking the alter. Another bathgaye falls after an amazing hit from the group and another crown piece is discovered. Bathgayes yell out "what about our deal ROLEN?" And Rolen replays "NO DEAL" ????????? The fuck???????? Dicktoes doubles down and casts a spell while also summoning the masturbating bear. The bear finishes one of the bathgayes and the others are taken down piece by piece from a barrage of attaxks by the group. As the last bathgaye falls the last crown piece falls too and you recognize it as the crown of the lurch from the graveyard. While your deciding what to do the alter opens up and out of it comes an enormous form. It is bathgaye, brown robe and all but he is towering over you. "You think we were done. Ha this is nothing!!!!  Your all going to die". I provide I decide". As he says this his non casted hand goes to his hood and pulls it back to reveal a square brown face with two large dots made of blood for eyes and a sinkster smile drawn across its face. His robes fall to reveal a female(ish) form of constant sideboob and saggy assed terror. His casted arm bursts to reveal a giant screw made of rusty iron and it spins so fast that it creates a small cyclone around it. The faceless goddess has risen. End.

Y'all took a bunch of damage. The stone giant is at half life. Kevin is doing ok but he is at a disadvantage from his recent possession. This is gonna be a big fight so wear your big boy pants( aldannis excluded for obvious reasons) and I'll see ya in 8 days. We're off this weekend cuz I needed a break and acheduled some other shit. I thought we'd finish XC but you love it so much you wanted one more night with her you horny bastards. Love y'all and fuck u again for making me do a battle recap. 🖕🏽😘🍆💦 C$

 

RECAP 23

The beginnings start.

So it's the end of the faceless goddess. You won. But your journey is far from over. I hate doing battle recaps cuz it's just too damn much to remember. I didn't take notes and it was kind of insane the whole time so I'm sure I left out a TON of stuff. If I left something out that you remember please fill me in. Also. Anyone who wants to write a full recap of the adventure so far is more than welcome. I'll resend u all the recaps. If you do it I'll level u up 2 levels. So I guess we should get started. Let's recap.

The battle rages on. Kevin, the thunderwolf and the stone giant at your side as the faceless goddess reveals her true form (box head screw arm). You instantly attack. Rolen casts a tentacle spell hoping to fill the holes but it has a less significant effect on the faceless goddes. Perhaps (like Dana) she is used to multiple phallic-like things trying to penetrate her. Aldannis surprises everyone as her shoots something else besides the face and starts to sidle away at the health of this monstrous opponent. She seems to shrug off most of your strand with ease as ulrich flings axes at the screw arms bend point. Dicktoes (Aka dr of Alaska) is stil in SPRINKLESHITS form as he whips out shalllely spells that em image out his steel knife horn. Kevin misses a lot (no one tried healing him more or giving him anymore beers.  Remember he was at disadvantage from his possession). The thunderwolf decides to go lick its balls in the corner because she (yes female thunderwolves have balls) was never utilized. Remember you have to call on her to do anything just like a good dog..... or wife. The stone giant gives the faceless goddess a huge hit as his stone arm takes out one of her legs. It's hurt but not broken. The faceless goddess starts to deal out some impressive damage points. Her cyclone screw arm hits you all for significant damage and also opens up a wall behind you revealing a large vat of the green fizzy liquid that was controlling the minds of the people in XC. It is here that a large eruption is heard and all of you turn around to see what made this noise. From the cemetery the gates swing open as the bwadashe rushes in to help you fight. It instantly goes for the b hole of the faceless goddess. (Glad it's on your side). While it does little damage it does reveal that her weakness is  her weakness. Stank nose and all the bwadashe is a welcome sight cuz u need all the help u can get. The faceless goddess lifts her legs and shots out a putrid  acid upon all of you. Rolen shoots again and starts dealing real damage to the faceless goddess as he closes up that v hole. POINT OF ORDER. The v hole closure was big for you all. She was using that as a main attack and since it was closed the poison that was supposed to shoot out every round was now being used against her. She was taking 20 points of damage every round due to her not being able to expel the poison. If you would have tried to hit it again you would have been hit with a v juice tidal wave and would have taken a shit ton of damage. So good one hit quit tactics. END POINT ORDER. Those of you hit by the v juice are hurting but old Stoney g gives you some of his life to get you back to fighting. He's a solid dude.

The group hits hard this next round hitting. The faceless goddess in her  eyes, and at the crux of her screw arm elbow. She is bloody for the first time. As she takes those hits. You hear an errie dull popping sound. You turn to see all of the adults in XC as their heads explode and they hit the ground. It's over for them. The faceless goddess has lost her hold upon them and their overused brains just pop like zits. It's an all out death fest as they pop like popcorn all across the city.

SPRINKLESHITS turns around. Lifts its tail and (after many a constapation  face) shoots out a rocket of rock hard poo the size of a baseball. This thing ricochets around the room as you all try to dodge it. Some are lucky some are not and a bit of the po hits the faceless goddess but does little damage (like Dana she may be into scat) The bwadashe tells you that the key to victory may lie inside the liquid vat. Aldnaiss at the urging of ulrich dips a tip of his......... arrow in the liquid and shoots it at the elbow of the screw arm. After taking a ton of damage from ulrichs axes, sprinkle shits shit shots, rolens blasts, Kevin's arrows, stone Giants stone fishing, and the bwadashes teleport claws This thing is hanging by a thread. As the arrow sails time slows down like in a dumb sports movie as the last shit goes up, the buzzer sounds and the ball bounces around the rim only to fall..... and miss. The arrow however hits but instead of doing damage the faceless goddess is healed completely (except for the v). Your now thinking your totally.......screwed.

The next rounds see damage felt all around but the faceless goddess uses her non screw arm to heal herself. It's here where the countless hours of video gaming come to the side of the bwadashe as it informs you to take out the healing arm. You all go buck wild on the faceless goddess  and start to really do some damage. It's not without cost tho cuz many of you take a shit ton of hits yourself. Some of you on the verge of death. In seeing this the bwadashe lifts its leg and shoots out healing piss upon you. This golden shower was truly a life saver. POINT OF ORDER. you all should be wondering why in the fuck this weird ass thing has been helping you all this time. You saw it throughout your time in XC and you were never attacked by it. It was almost following you. It also saved your asses inside the Giants of kori temple killing 3 bugbears in an instant as easy as mavis is gay. you should all be thinking this. Just saying. END POINT OF ORDER. Round after round the faceless goddess takes more and more damage. Her end is near but your end is pretty close too. Aldannis and ulrich are passed out and in saving throws. As the rest of the group attacks what's left of the faceless goddess. In the final round the bwadashe blasts a hit load of healing jizz on ulrich and Aldannis faces. They heal up just enough to witness the final push of the faceless goddess.

PLAY THE TRACK "the end of the faceless goddess"

Four fuck ups from far away saved the day. Fuck yeah kevin. Fuck yeah indeed.

End.

So for tomorrow. I need all of you to tell me what you do in XC for the next month. An example would be "Ulrich starts a brewery in XC and uses the profits to build a school. He inlists all his friends from deepshaft to help build homes for the orphans of XC. Or Rolen leaves XC to head to greater Boesemore and reads Tom Clancy novels in his childhood bedroom.  Not before he sets up a trade partnership with golden oak to purchase all the jewels of XC mines over the next millennia to help fund the rebuild of XC. He also teaches the kids about absyum. Or Dicktoes talks to his mom and dad and they bestow good weather and good fortune upon the orphans of XC. Even setting up Kirsten as the new head of the city and queen of the orphans. She is a fair and kind ruler. The city thieves. Or Aldannis still not trusting anyone or anything hides in a hole for a month. You get the idea. I may veto or make you roll for some outlandish shit but you can choose what u want to do. It's open ended.

Lastly you all move upn2 levels and get an inspiration item. Think of what you would like. Give me 3 options to choose from. You will roll for them and your submissions may be awarded to another person. FYI.

So that's it. Get your ?s ready. I can do a hole filler (plot holes you sick ducks) at the start. If u have ?s on loose ends or shit that didn't make sense please ask me in text thread so I can get answers prepared and out to everyone quickly.

Love you losers. Brad. Thanks for joining. It was seriously months in the making and it gave a great cap to the arc. Your welcome anytime.

Word.- c$ Sent from my iPhone

A few clarifications: We were already attacking the healing arm when rolan tells aldanis to dip his tip on the green goo. Aldanis shoots the healing arm. The healing arm gets healed completely when the arrow hits it. The stone giant heals ulrich earlier in the fight. I was able to deal a 5 hit combo using action surge causing almost 50 points of damage that severed the screw arm.

Also, it seemed like everyone was strangely into bwadshe's golden shower. At least Ulrich was.

RECAP 24

ITS BEEN A WHOLE MONTH AND A HALF SINCE WE HAVE PLAYED!!! So we finally were able to play again, and then again we were interrupted by one of our dumb kids. If we were shittier dads we would be better friends. We didn’t get much done but your finally about to take your first steps out of Xavier City since your arrival those many months ago. At our next meeting you will be setting foot in Twofortheen proper and back out into that dangerous world.

Lets Recap-

In the month since you vanquished the Faceless Goddess there has been some amazing changes to the landscape and political structure of Xavier City. ALDANNIS has worked with the equally awkward GIANTS OF KORI to till the fields of the open space and start a growing operation. Through an unknown method (def golden showers) he discovered that GIANTS OF KORI piss has some insane growing assistance properties. Their urine is like miracle grow on steroids. Don’t know what that does to the end product, I would guess its going to at least change the final color or smell. ALDANNIS has been spending his time cultivating this SYMBORG strand and hasn’t even once thought to find a pair of pants or a fucking DENTIST!!!! So your shit-toothed, neon yellow daisy duke wearing drug manufacturer is in his element.

Over the past month DICKTOES has grown very close with the TUNDERWOLF who now is his constant companion and is able to go back and forth through all dimensions with him whenever DICKTOES has to go see mom and dad. DICKTOES spent a majority of his time in XAVIER CITY making sure that the unnamed bar (OLD RILEDYS DAUGHER) is now unicorn accessible. Many a night was spent with KEVIN drinking all kinds of insane shit and laughing into the night. DICKTOES also became great friends with ULRICH’s homosexual cousin ULRICH SANFRANSCIO, one of the many dwarves from DEEPSHAFT that were brought in by ULIRCH to help with the rebuilding efforts.

ULRICH went all fucking Machiavelli and has completely retooled the political stricter of XAVIER CITY in that he has established a port where the fairy’s fairy ferry once was docked. He also set up a TEMPLE OF THE FLESH in the old temple that basicly only serves the four of you and KEV DOG. Not sure where the “Flesh” part of that came from as this entire walled city is full of recently freed and also recently orphaned children………..yeah…. ummmm….yeah. The temple is also a CASINO which as we all know always does wonders for the local economy just look at downtown Joliet. I hope that ULRICH has an idea on how he is going to keep this place profitable and safe as well as a decent place to grow up for these orpahans. HE is the most ALTRUISTIC person/dwarf ever so I am sure it will be for the greater good…..greater lawful good? If you haven’t read ULRICHS plan for XC please do so.

ROLEN spent his moth doing weird shit. He was his characteristic werido self and spent some time lurking in the cemetery and looking for the BWADABSHE who has been missing since the battle. He also has contacted through raven messaging his homies back in Greater Bosemoor and has told them that the Fairy’s fairy ferry former port is now open for business. His people are all too happy to come down to XC for the short trip and trade or just visit the temple/bar. Whatever to get them out of the cold and undead riddled area they call home. ROLEN has also been instrumental in the rebuilding of EVERWATCH CASTLE which is where the children are all now housed being watched over by KERSTEIN. I wonder if he hasn’t taught a class in necromancy at the school in EVERWATCH CASTLE? I am sure he has channeled abysum a number of times but god damn I hope he hasn’t shape shifted into that young 20 something blond that ULRICH was all too happy to help up inot the window of the SG mansion.

Speaking of the STONE GIANT he has been working hard. Since he came back to life and helped you defeat the FACELESS GODDESS he has been working on his craft again as well as tending to the body of his friend ZANELLI. The SG gave yall some balls, some SG balls, called the YELLING STONES. These SG balls hang around your neck and give you a direct link to the SG for insight about the world you are about to enter. You have tested them throughout XC and the reception is great although in the cemetery it is a bit static ridden. The SG has said that there are places in Twofortheen that will be completely devoid of a signal and the YELLING STONES will not work there. Pity.

Since you defeated the FACELESS GODDESS you have been hearing a PING coming out of the screw arm. It also has some type of power over everyone who sees it besides you four and the SG. IT calls to them and they are spellbound to put on the screw. THE SG has suggested that you put it in a safe and find a way to destroy it before it takes over someone and the FACELESS GODDESS is reborn anew. He even built you a bad ass safe that he fixed to a bad ass FUGAZI STONE armored wagon. Funny how things work out because you decide to use it……….but not before….you meet someone new.

At the gate of the city you hear a loud banging. A monotone voice is asking for entry and continues to pound on the gate. The voice says “please let me in. I am in need of assistance. I am being chased by a horde of onlydongs. Please help me.” In your characteristic doubt of all things you question this riders motives and discuss for an extended peiord of time on wheather or not to open the gate. As you do the voice conties to yell out for help and you start to hear arrows pierece the gate and wall. One of you finally look over the wall to see a horde of onlydongs chasing after this very tall rider who is in all black atop a brilliant white mamonth horse. You decide to let the rider and horse in and you see the onlydongs retreat in pure fear once they see that the rider has entered XC. The rider is thankful and beings to say thanks but you begin to grill him right off the bat

“Who are you, what do you want, why are you being chased, ONLYDONGS? I thought we killed them all, whats with your face, is your horse a female and is she single?”  I have to give it to you 4, your nothing if not consistent in your insane paranoia that all things in this world are out to kill you. It slows the pace down but it always makes for funny shit to happen. Never change who you are. I think its funny too how the NPC’s always end up getting annoyed with you and are light “LISTEN ASSHOLES I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE YOU FUCKING GO JESUS CHRIST SHIT!”

This person is ridding a mammoth horse (mammoth horses are huge ass horses that are only known to be ridden by a select group of people.  They are super strong and hard as shit to break so whoever is ridding one is pretty much a bad ass. This one looks like it was made out of pure marble.  Its ridder is tall and lanky.  He stands almost 10ft tall and is skinny as that dude in the machinist.  He wears a long black robe and has an expressionless white face.  His hood covers his eyes.   You find out that this person identifies  aa DESTROYER.  He has no name as DESTROYES destroy any aspect of self to become a true DESTORYER.  He says he was following the pinging sound and is here to help bring the screw to the temple of lightening for official destruction.  The temple of lightening is a temple in SISOA and home to the DESTORYERS.  It is a massive glass structure that shoots out of the sand in the middle of the barren desert. The temple was created by hundereds of thousdands of lightening strikes. The TEMPLE OF LIGHTENING is holy ground and houses a pit of destruction from which nothing comes out again. They are an honorable group set to rid the world of evil relics. You jiggle the SG balls around your neck to fact check the story and the SG says its legit.

The group mentions that they might want to stop in Pachelli Village and go visit their boy RON who started them on this crazy adventure. The DESTORYER knows RON. RON has a mammoth horse he acquired from them and is known to be a pretty awesome dude def on the side of right. He aint nothing to fuck with but is def an awesome person to have on your side and may be the only person you have met that likes ALDANNIS.

So the group sets out in their fugazi stone aromed cart carrying the SCREW of the FACELESS GODDESS heading out into the onlydong riddled land of TWOFORTHEEN to go back to where it all started RON’s tavern (that is perhaps the nerdiest sentence of all time).

Then ARLO came down and ruined everything…………….

END

See you Saturday! I might be a bit later than normal but I will be in text touch.

Love you losers-

C$

 

RECAP 25

It’s been a while but man we are good at this. It was a fun night and full of all the best shit. Fights and magic, poop and balls jokes and the desecration of a dead body not to mention the birth of TALLBOY. Let’s recap.

you finally get out of the old XC and you begin to head out into the real world of Twofortheen. Your planning to go see RON, the Dragonborn Bar owner who set this journey alight. Perhaps Big Bill made it back and you can reminisce about your times together in the Garbage Heap. Either way RON loves Aldannis and I am sure Aldannis is in the mood to be loved by someone. Either way the road to Pachilli Village is a two day ride. Yall pack up your shit and get ready to head out. The Destroyer has chilled out significantly but maintains an aura of badassadoor professionalism. His Mamoth horse pulls the fugazi stone cart out the gates of Xavier City. You thought there would be a bit more fanfare, a sendoff or something but it’s kind of a letdown, you just leave in the middle of the afternoon and quite honestly you catch a bunch a people by surprise…including Dicktoes who is  still drinking in the bar with……well….no one. He will catch up to yall a bit later. The destroyer is ready and is going tostear the cart. As he pulls his hood back you notice an etched letter “S” on his forehead. He tells you he is a SCOUT for the DESTROYERS. Other destroyers have other etchings for their specific job duties. You will find this out later. Destroyers have no name as they have destroyed the self but they do have specific functions within the destroyers organization. At some point he is given the nickname “TALL-BOY” by one of you which he really likes. He completely embraces it. It kind of changes the person that he is, he seems more relaxed and ends up being a pretty chill dude. Who Knew?!

So out you head into the real world. After a few uneventful hours you come across a small hill amongst this prairie. On the other side you are met with 5 onlydongs and a large bug bear. Their supplies are down to nothing and they look gaunt and tired but get the jump on you and a battle ensues. Ulrich takes some Fox balls to the eyes and avoids their poisonous effects only to return the favor by chopping the onlydongs up like a murderous sous chef. Like ringing a bell, Rolen casts his hell in a cell spell real well and so swell. It hurts those who aren’t able to make it out of the circle and you just start to pick off the rest. The destroyer holds back and guards the cart. Late in the battle there are a number of other onlydongs that go to attack the cart (where did they come from?)  Good thing you left him to protect the cart cuz he went all magic sand man and obliterated them with his sand storm. It was an impressive show of power to say the least. Rolen took perhaps the most brutal hit as the Bugbear throws his recently severed arm right at his handsome face. The claws at the end of the disembodied arm tear into his grill and he is left with a significant flesh wond.. but dude takes it in stride and keeps a moving. I really wish you would have said something cool here like “more bug then bear eh?” as you swat away the arm….. maybe next time. There is no attempt to collect information or even raid the site as you just dust off your wounds and head back out on the road to Pachelli Village. After a few hours it is getting darker. As dusk approaches you enter a small forest outcrop. On the road up ahead you see a broken down cart and a small figure walking back and forth like a crazy man, he looks panicked. He is about 100 yards away. Old Rizzo comes in handy as his new and improved Raven form is able to get the lay of the land and some good info to boot. This is what he sees (is it a he? Can a familiar have a gender?  Am I being sexisit? Whatever fuck you PC police.MAGA!) Rizzo flys the hundred yards quickly and silently. Rizzo sees a short fat man in a black top hat, red bow tie, white shirt and white pants both stained with blood. He is pacing back and forth like a crazyman. There is a cart with a large red X on the side of the white canvas covering it. In the cart are elixers, potions, and medicines. The cart is badly damaged and the rear axel is snaped in half, the back driver side wheel is completely smashed. There is also another person in the same outfit as the first, only this person is face up with a rusted arrow in its chest, his white shirt and pants completely soaked red. Rizzo also beads north to see a decrepit mansion, an outhouse, and a small quarry with a pink light emanating from below. Rizzo returns and recaps to Rolen. Rolen decides to go talk to the little man in the white outfit with Aldannis and Ulrich decide to  have a sneek shession where Ulrich goes sneeking in the woods, and old Ally-D goes sneeking through the swampy side. Yall sneek quite well and the Red X dosen’t hear shit. Rolen comes to find out that only dongs raised the cart only to leave it mostly intact minus a dead body. Rolen talks with the short fat man in the top hat who tells Rolen that his name is JODI. JODI and his partner were on their way to VICTORY MANOR, a recovery house helping those who are addicted to Dichloric Acrid Anamorph Dietribual (DANA for short). DANA is a horrible drug that makes the user forget his/her real self while also sucking the power away from the user. It leaves the user with a feeling of guilt-ridden obligation to continue to use the drug despite its almost nonexistent “positive” effects. There is no joy, no euphoric feeling, no “high” but it poisons the mind to make the user believe he/she (and he-shes or she-hes) must keep using. The red X has created an antidote against DANA and they were delivering it to victory manor. JODI is not only distraught that his partner was killed but he was also his sponsor as JODI was once a DANA user. His name was JIMOTHY. Lets all have a moment of silence for JIMOTHY.

JODI begs you to help him deliver the remainder of their shipment down the road to victory manor. You check in with TALLBOY and he tells you the red X is legit. You oblige JODIs request and you pack up the fugazistone cart with the antidotes and head down the forest lined road tried an old decrepit mansion. You don’t have any more room in the cart but you don’t want to leave the dead body behind and Jodi begs you to bring JIMOTHY along in order to give him a proper burial. DICKTOES chimes in from another realm and tells you to drag the body of JIMOTHY. Behind the cart. You do so with glee, much at the displeasure of Jodi.

As you enter the house you are met by an old woman holding a cane. She tells you she is VICTORY and invites you to stay the night. “These woods are home to dangerous beings when the sun is gone”. She sets you up with some nice rooms and invites you to dine with the group. Most of the mansion is uninhabited but you can tell it was once a very busy place. Lots of rooms but only a few with lights on.

At dinner your introduced to the patients. There is LES PRIMUS a small boy, very proper in a suit and tie. He has been addicted to DANA since his parents death. You meet KLIMPTON GRIMZWALD a wealthy business man and you meet his very attractive wife who is never formally introduced and says nothing. Klimpton is a hyped up type who recognizes ULRICH and sees an opportunity to hand out his business card which he does so often it’s almost like a tic. I think he gave you 5 of them. You also meet ARIHALIA. A Dragonborn mercenary from TIST. She is battle worn and serious. She has a large axe strapped to her back and is still in her battle gear. She says little and watches you all closely throughout your meal. As you eat some wonderful food victory tells you of her mission to rid the world of DANA. She also takes a few minuets to tell ALDANNIS that she can fix his grill but it will cost him something. It takes an insane amount of time for Aldannis to figure out what needs fixing and he awkwardly denies the help. Victory is disappointed. You also hear from LES who says that there used to be a to more patients but then the ghost came and scared off almost everyone. Those who stayed only did so because they have nowhere else to go. Victory raises her voice to sternly day “THERE IS NO GHOST” and she bangs her cane on the floor at which point everyone stops talking and looks down at the floor. As dinner ends you head to the game room with LES, and KLIMPTON and his wife. As you pressure les for more info on the ghost ROLEN does his Irish goodbye and just jets but at the same time DICTOES shows up a little hungover and asking to get filled in on the haps. As you get him up to speed the room fills with green smoke and a large ghost flys through the walls. It’s spooky as shit with long fingers and a glowing face. It tells you to “leave this place” over and over. That’s all it says. And then it kind of glitches or shorts out as it says “leave le le leeeeeevvvvvvvvvveeeeee th tho this is is this leave place p p p place leave this thissssssss plllll p o p p p “ and then it disappears. ZOINKS! Everyone decides to get some rest but Aldannis Ulrich and dicktoes are himungry for more info they go to see the quarry which has a light pink glow coming from below. It’s a very small quarry. It also has a locked gate that kind of looks like an iron trapdoor in a chicken wire pattern. It has three padlocks on the opening. There are track marks that lead to the outhouse coming from under the gate that look well worn. There is no grass growing in the path but the grounds of victory manor have a lush carpet of freshly cut lawn. This is or at least was a busy path.

The three now head out to check out the out house. Which they approach with all the sneakyness of a drunken rhino. They smell a putrid smell and band on the door to find it occupied. Out bursts a naked ,fat balding man who is covered in his own puke and shit. He is detoxing hard. His name is Richard flick man and he was once a big time lawyer from hue city. Mainly dealing in real estate law he became addicted to Dana 7 years ago. He is trying to get clean and just recently arrived at victory manor. Just then you see victory looking out the window and she slams her cane into the ground. Richard pukes again and starts running for the house while leaving a trail of bloody shit soup in his wake. You head back as well with hopes of a decent night sleep.

Looks like we have a mystery on our hands gang.

Love- C$

RECAP 26

This is a long one. I am sure I forgot stuff so please make sure to fill in any gapes in the story.

It was a very interesting night. Watching Ulrich and Aldannis go out on their own was kind of like a poorly throughout spin off situation comedy. It was hilarious watching Ulrich watch Aldannis wrestle with some of his challenges. The group is much better as a cohesive unit when all of yall are playing but it is pretty funny seeing the individual dynamics between some of you. I don’t think there is any way that Aldannis and Ulrich would have gotten through XC if it wasn’t for Rolen and DIcktoes, and Zanelli and the SG for that matter. And we will never forget ROSE AND GENE. Never forget.

Lets Recap!

The morning begins with the smell of fresh coffee, breakfast cassorle, hasbrowns, eggs, bacon, waffles, pancakes, French toast, orange juice, and doughnuts, all made fresh by Victory on a small cooking stove. Others are up and eating as Aldannis and Ulrich stumble down to the mess hall. Eating breakfast they see Arihalliah in the corner eating by herself looking a bit sullen and untrusting. They also see Les Primus, Klimpton Grimzwald and his wife and old Richy G (Richard Glickman). Jodi is nowhere to be found but he had a rough night and day yesterday so its not supprizing that he is sleeping in. Also absent are dicktoes and Rolen who you assume are sleeping. As Aldannis and Ulrich walked past Rolens room they heard weird mumbling and saw black smoke coming from nder the door, they chalk it up to “That’s our Rolen. The group is used to an in and out Dicktoes so its no supprize that he is out and about but he left SHAKIRA behind and she weirdly snuggles up to ALDANNIS and head down to grub town.

Victory is super stoked you stayed the night and she is very happy to feed you. She is also thankful to you all and TALLBOY for helping get the medicine to VICOTRY MANNOR. At this point TALLBOY tells you he has to jet. He is taking his horse and riddinbg out to the north west, he said he heard another ping near KELVINS WALL and he has to leave. He loved hanging with yall and told you that you have to make it SISOA and the TEMPLE OF LIGHTENING to destroy the evil relic. He jets.

ULRICH sparks up a convo with KLIMPTON who continues to hand his card over to the drawfen brewmaster. ULRICH finally asks some decent questions about what the fuck KLMPTON does for a living and he says he is in sales. “IF IT NEEDS SELLIN ILL SELL IT”. He also told you he does weddings and barmitzvah’s on the side mostly audio and video recording and will DJ if needed. He has a huge smile and tan skin. He is from GOLDEN OAK and looks down on people from HUE CITY. His wife didn’t speak much at all and introducted herself as MRS GRIMZWALD, then went back to her food. KLIMPTON hands you another card and another and keeps trying to get on your good side.

The subject of the GHOST is brought up and instantly addressed by VICOTRY who slams her cane on the ground and everyone stares at their plates. Aldannis breaks the silence by asking VICTORY if he can still take her up on her offer to “FIX THIS”. She is excited but tells ALDANNIS the only way to get is to give of yourself and it must be something that is important to you. And you have to do it ALONE. ALDANNIS stank ass breath (this could be why Shakira likes ALDANNIS, a lot of dogs eat their own shit and smell other dogs asses as a greeting so ALDANNIS face smells like ass, I guess it makes sense.) almost ruins the moment by being weird as fuck but he is willing tosee what VICTORY has to offer.

SIDE NOTE

I was going to make this like a devils gift kind of thing where you wish to be famous and then your like the most famous child killer or something horrible like that. So I was guessing he would ask for new teeth and I was gonna give him some in the same place that BECKY has em. I decided against it. YEAH!

Victory drops everything and is overjoyed that ALDANNIS is willing to sacrifice something to get his new teeth. She guides him out of the kitchen and down a long hallway. ULRICH sneaks behind to see where ALDANNIS is being taken to. VICTORY and ALDANNIS reach a very large metal door with numerous locks on it. The locks open on their own accord to reveal a very long and thin path made of perfect marble like stone. The path is very narrow and to both sides is a very steep drop. (Think a high wire). At the end of the path is a circular alter lit from above. The rest of the room is very cave like. The walls are dripping a pink slimy liquid. It glows but very faintly, it also seems to react to the light a bit and is a small amount brighter around the open hole (mavis) roof. The open hole (mavis) isn’t really so open it is a locked gate that looks like iron or some strong metal in a chicken wire pattern. It lets the morning light through which lights up the alter.

VICTORY tells ALDANNIS that he must give something up that he covets, something that means a great deal to him in order to be gifted. The CAVE OF GIVING may reject your offer or ask for more. Choose wisely and you must go in ALONE! VICTORY says "ALONE" as she turns and looks at ULRICH who she knew was sneaking behind them the whole fucking time. ALDANIS GOES IN.

This is where we did a pretty dope split screen thing. It was like “Meanwhile back at the manor” and we had URLICH and ALDANNIS both on as I went back and forth between locations. I think it worked pretty well and it gave Dan a shit ton of time to figure out what he wanted to gift and gave phil a ton of time to rank on dan.

Meanwhile ULRICH decides to go looking for JODI who was not around at breakfast. He is searching around the area trying to find where he might be. He checks his room but the door is locked, he doesn't hear anything coming from the room. He also starts to wander around the manor house proper and sees some cool shit cuz this place used to be hopping. He decides to head to the game room.

Meanwhile ALDNAIIS decides to give up his notes, pictures, and any and all memories of the COWMAGEDIAN that ravaged his hometown of NEW ZECSBURG. He says “I have been trying to forget this for a while anyway”. The “gift” is not accepted and is now stuck in a weird force field, the CAVE OF GIVING is asking for something else. Aldannis is confused? And then says “WOW THEY DON”T PLAY AROUND “

SIDE NOTE :  I FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT IT HAD TO BE IMPORTANT TO YOU! ALDANNIS giving up his horrible memories is like me saying “I will give you my knee pain and bulshit anxiety issues”  What the fuck dude?! That's not a sacrifice its instant therapy.

Meanwhile ULRICH sees a short man in a black top hat and white clothes covered in blood playing pin ball like his life depended on it. SO what does he do…..? he ignores it and goes looking up on the balcony of the game room only to find a false wall. He breaks the false wall and finds some weird video/projection equipment, some wires and stirngs, some rando tools, and a strange small vat full of some crystalized pink glowing stuff. It reminds him of the glowing stuff on the walls of the CAVE OF GIVING. WTF?

Meanwhile ALDANNIS decides to put on the alter his most prize possession, no not his yellow shorts although I may have accepeted those, but he puts on his FREEZY BOOTS. GIFT accepted and as ALDANNIS walks out of the CAVE OF GIVING he has a sparkling new set of teeth. He also has a +3 to his charisma which gets him up to a whopping ZERO!!. He thanks VICTORY and kisses her cheek which she actually blushes and is happy to see him happy.

ALDANNIS and ULRICH meet up in the game room and ULRICH shows him all the weird shit he found. They flip the switch on the projection device and a green ghost with crazy long fingernails appears form the box. He turns it off and it disappears. What is all this pink stuff?

Just then the pinball figure turns around and it is JODI but he is bleeding out of his mouth, not from a wound he is just oozing blood like it’s a fucking puke fest and he has unlimited pukeablity with blood. Infinite blood puke is the name of my new band BTW. The bloody JODI jumps very high up like inhumanly high like crouching tiger hidden dragon shit from down below to strike the two adventures and a fight ensues. This JODI is super strong super agile and fucking insane. He is dealing serious damage to the crew. They trade shots. Its getting pretty hairy. ALDANNIS has a pretty cool ricochet shot (only cuz URLICH kept making fun of him for shooting everything in the face.)   It must be said that LUMBERPRIEST was a complete failure on this night, it didn't hit shit. BLOOD JODI jumps up from far away and goes to strike the group. He rolls a critical hit and his arm reaches back, long black claws emerge from his hand, they are jagged and hard as steel, in the reflection of the claws ULRICH and ALDANNIS see their own funerals, they are fucked…..

A large axe falls from above and gets stuck in the floor, the BLOOD JODI goes crazy and falls, its body bursts into millions of spiders and they all crawl away. At the other end of the axe is ARIHALLIA. She apologizes to you both, the creature was looking for her.

ARIHALLIA is from TIST, she is the “CHOSEN ONE” of her people and she couldn’t take the pressure anymore. She was being tracked by these crazy beings made up of spiders and shit and her axe is one of the only things that can kill them off. They are tying to destroy her. She started doing DANA to get away from her responsibly as the chosen one and thought that these beings would leave her alone once she got to VICOTY MANNOR, and they did, until now.

You want to ask a ton more questions but you can’t cuz I moved the story along.

On your way back to breakfast (yep) you see JODI walking down in a nice pressed shirt and pants clean clothed and he says “Oh Hey GUYS!” how was your night sleep?”  You are all like what the fucking shit dude?! You come to realize that that thing was not JODI and JODI was just sleeping in. You take him to the game room and show him what you found. He recognizes the pink glowing substance as CRYSTAL BETH the most horrible drug in all the land, highly addictive, very expensive, and it can make the user super human. CRYSTAL BETH is made from an unimaginably complex chemistry of distilling LAYBEHIA, the pink photo luminescent liquid found in some caves of this area. It’s the killer drug. It can make the seller rich but makes the user expire in a short time. They need more and more of it to stay alive and it eventually kills them, but users keep popping up. This is some bad shit.

ULRICH says maybe VICTORY is behind this to which JODI says “NO FUCKING WAY”  He tells you she gave up years of her life and her health to keep VICTORY MANOR open. She hates what DANA has done and wants to rid the world of its evil hold. VICTORY is for real LAWFUL GOOD. Not like how you are she is legit lawful good.

Then there is a meeting for DANA addicts only. It’s a group therapy session. You are not invited but VICTORY tells you to stay away from the woods after dark. You totally don’t listen and you go snooping around. Right as you head out the door you are met with a hammer to the head. Three onlydongs looking long tall and strong are onlydonging hard. They have a light pink glowing residue around their eyeholes and mouth holes. They start to fuck you up but old SHAKIRA comes out and thunderhowls the balls off them dongs. She pretty much saves your asses. I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THESE ONLYDONGS!!! WHY

The dynamic Douche-o use this time to look around and find a secret hatch under the outhouse that has a small cart with the remnants of a pink liquid inside of it. ULRICH ponders hopping in the cart to go on a TEMPLE OF DOOM wannabe cart ride and the DM says “If you want to be completely covered in LAYBEHIA juice that’s up to you. He decides against it when he realizes there is no cart. The two step on the space to see an up and down arrow. They press the up arrow over and over again to no avail. FINALLY one of them bumps into the down arrow and the cart is lowered to a hand dug tunnel big enough for a cart to fit in but not much wider. The tunnel leads back to victory manor.

As they start to crawl a bit further down the tunnel is filled with green smoke and a green ghost with long fingernails comes out of the earth into the tunnel and begins racing towards ULRICH and ALDANNIS.

END

I just thought how funny it was that ALDNANNIS went in a cave to get some new teeth and PHIL went in BECKYS cave and got some unexpected teeth!!! I missed an opportunity to call it beckys cave…SHIT.

FYI I can’t play on Saturday but could do tonight or even Friday. Let me know if anyone is down.

LOVE YOU LOSERS!!!!!

RECAP 27

This should be a relatively short recap. The amazing thing is that this is perhaps the least amount of actual game play accomplished in the two hours we played. In game you have moved maybe 300 feet from the beginning of the night to the conclusion. Either way we need to all get together again soon, I am down for Saturday, as always. See you losers there. Also Phil you need to let your kid run around a bunch and keep her up later also don't let her nap, that’s the only way she will sleep all night. Also feed her oatmeal for dinner or a bedtime snack. I guarantee it will work. Or codeine.

As always fill me in where I left out shit. (mavis)

Let’s Recap.

The night begins with the dynamic douche-oh in a small tunnel. It’s very dark and the only thing in front of them is a laybehia slimed cart and a trail in the dirt below. The tunnel is built pretty well with large wooden beams every ten feet. There is green smoke filling the tunnel as a form of a green ghost starts to take form.

At this point there is an insane amount of time given to if the ghost can see ULRICH and ALDANNIS from the ghost’s vantage point. “Can I sneak around, can I kneel, and can I hover over the dirt but still not touch the ground in a continuous jump that keeps me low…”  Seriously we spent 40 mins on deciding how you were gonna hide behind a cart. Didn’t matter in the end as DICKTOES shows up in a bath of bright light. If this ghost was looking for you I am sure the blinding light would be a pretty obvious sign. The Douche-oh get the drunken god up to speed and they decide to just straight up run at the ghost. Prior to this ALDANNIS does something we would never have expected…………he makes a check and……..NAT 20! He sees beyond space and time, he sees all that is was and ever shall be, he is all, he is one with the universe, his third eye is exposed, he realizes he is just a figment of a nerdy dudes imagination in a perverted game of roleplaying and neediness. In reality he just sees some shit on the walls that make smoke and a projector shooting light in the area of the ghost which he deduces is just a projection. The group decide to make a run for it and old DICKTOES can just let it be so he decides to shoot some shit out his Shellie (I have no fucking idea how to spell that word) straight up at the ghost. The energy leaves the stick and goes right through the ghost as if it were a ghost. The pink energy ball hits the dirt celling of this tunnel and smashes a beam only to have the dirt start to fill in the hole (this is called a pre-DANA). The group Indiana Jones past through the last bit of space to end up on the other side of the collapse. The dirt has official filled the hole (DANA) and the boys are looking down the tunnel to see a wooden circle door lit by a torch.

ULRICH decides to head toward the door and he trips a wire. An alarm sounds. Instead of reading for battle the group inspects the wire rope and its connections for a good 30 mins. We seriously spent as much time on this as Rabe did on FRO PHILLIPO LIPPI. Jebus it was a fucking trip wire that set off an alarm.

Either way the crew couldn’t run so they had to prepare themselves to fight. Weapons drawn they ready themselves as a large green beast comes barreling out of the door toward them. The green blob doesn’t seem phased by their presences and in fact runs through the crew as if they were…..ghosts. But the boys wish they were transparent as they take considerable damage as this thing runs them all over. Where the beast hit them they notice a green slimy paint and they see that this thing is covered in green slimy paint itself. As it comes back for another round of body bowling the boys all take a hit. ULRICH attacks the leg and does quite a job with his 5 thousand attacks he has but only to find that this thing is heavily armored. He draws blood but it doesn’t slow it down much. ALLI-D goes for the booty in an inspiring two arrow attack (surprise) and doesn’t end up hitting much. In fact both arrows end up in the tunnel walls. Dicktoes does the best and ends up opening the leg of this thing, getting rid of all that pesky armor, flesh, muscle to leave behind a pretty gross leg with just a bone in-between thigh and food. Its gnarly as shit.

The fighting continues but this thing never goes to attack it’s just running back and forth trying to get out and pummeling you as it passes (there is not a lot of room in this tunnel so you are getting hit on every pass, its collateral damage.)  This thing is running crazy and the boys aren’t sure what to do. This is where ULRICH decides to learn how to cross stich and he finds a quiet dark corner (in a tunnel I know) and he starts to work on his ZANELLI inspired needlepoint piece. He sucks at it and pricks himself in the fingers a few times -1HP.

ALDANNIS and DICKTOES are watching this thing barrel down the tunnel toward the door again as a stroke of pure genius comes through DICKTOES mind and he implores ALDANNIS TO “aim for the butthole. It’s any armors weak point”. ALDANIIS who is used to shooting faces decides to listen to the drunken deity and pulls his bow back, smiles his pearly whites, bites a piece of the arrow feathers off for accuracy and rolls a fucking CRITICAL HIT!!!!

That arrow fly’s so straight and so true that it almost turns mavis back. It pinpoints and pierces the pooper of this thing like a freaking scud missile. It goes through the b hole through the body through the dingus and out the front of its gut. The thing falls to the ground.

DICKTOES pulls off the helmet straps to reveal RICHARD GLICKMAN who is saying “I want out get me out he made me he made me do it help me help me….”

You try to get info but he is in shock and isn’t making sense so you tie him up with spider jizz rope to a beam and DICKTOES turns into DR. DICKTOES and gives him fantasy propofal  spending a spell slot with the gesture of kindness. He’s out for now but will need some serious psychical therapy if he ever wants to jump up and down while going pee and poo at the same time again.

END

-

See you losers later.

SATURDAY!!!!

RECAP 28

So we finally did it. We all got together (minus brad, which as Phil pointed out in the game that he has to not only completely ignore the incoming calls but he also ignores all the recaps and all the recap responses.  I guess that’s not too hard (the dana effect) when he already ignores all of our texts. Did yall hear he is moving back to Chicago?  I am sure he will have much more time to play with us (yeah fucking right).)

It was a good night of game play with lots of fighting culminating in the unmasking of the villain ZOINKS and Jenkies. I hope you all liked your Scooby doo themed adventure in VICTORY manor. It was the first one that was completely improved but I am thinking I liked some of the XC shit more which was much more structured. Who knows? I will also be releasing a sort of audio cap for the end of victory manor which we sort of skated over real quick, I think there needs to be more of a fitting cap to the end…

LETs RECAP.

Well Well Well  here we are again… the three find themselves in front of their most formidable foe….a door and to make matters worse they have to actually make a decision…Good Heavens!. ULRICH ALDANNIS and DICKTOES are battered and bloodied by the now propofil filled Richey G who they have tied up with spidersperm and have agreed to all come back for later. I am sure he will be fine. Now on to that pesky door. A perception check was made and it was found that this particular door had a handle and two hinges. Here is a map of where you be. You had literally no other option but it still took you for fucking ever to figure out to open the god damn door.

Side Note. I have to take some (but not all or even most) of the fault for this extreme caution around doors. Numerous times you fucking decide to barge into spaces that leave him and his crew in precarious situations. I think back to ULRICH barging in to the ground floor of the factory and meeting 6 OD’s. I know there was more of this type of shit but yall are seriously PTSD now around doors. I am totally going to make a door city where it’s all doors all the time and sentient doors (oh wait I already did that with the time puzzle where ALDANNIS decided to try to kill you all in the past while totally fumbling through his challenge.)

Finally someone has the bright idea to open the door at which point the crew finds a crystal Beth lab in a small closet area. OH SHIT there is another door type thing above them…WHEN WILL THESE DOORS END!!! There is also a body on the ground face down. Breathing but motionless the body is wearing a black cloak. It is here where we are sent all the way back to the very first room of this adventures beginning. Back in RONS bar in the dark closet room a miracle of sorts was discovered as ULRICH has found his piss somehow has healing properties. He flashes back to this time and thinks about pissing on the body but thinks better of it because they still aren’t sure who or what this bag of flesh is. ULRICH decides to keep his unique urine on safety as he rolls over the body to find ROLEN. ROLEN has a large knot on his head and he is bleeding. He is still knocked out. This is where the real genius of this group is proven.

NATURAL WET WILLY WAKE UP. We find out that DICKTOES (stewballs) was probably molested by his cousin who used to give “Natural wet willies” which is just a tongue in the ear (at least that is what he admitted to cuz I have a feeling it was a tongue somewhere else). The group rightfully decides against that as well however the idea of a VASOLINE willy was also promoted to the group. Thankfully for ROLEN the crew just gave him a shake and a slap and woke his ass up (not literally his ass but they did think about it.)

ROLEN has a hell of a lump on his head and he is a bit disoriented. The crew decide to fill him in (again not in the ass but it was suggested) on the story thus far of VICTORY MANNOR, they left out that part about ARIHALLIAH and the spider daemons that are chasing her, but other than that they gave the old low down pretty quickly and the crew decide to go up the ladder to see what they can see. At this point the always and almost annoyingly Lawful Good ULRICH suggests slitting Richard Glickman’s throat and tells old DR DICKTOES to turn his DR THOAT SLIT on and get to work ending the large man’s life. The group decide against it because they think they can get some info from him later….I am sure he will be fine.

Dicktoes goes up first to look around the room and sees that he is on the ground floor of a small room, probably a patient’s room inside VICITOY MANOR. There are two beds and he is under one of them. The bed is slowing pulsing up and down and a hand is hanging off the edge of the bed. A cane/staff on the ground directly below the dangling hand. “BE STEALTHY!” ULRICH YELLS and Dicktoes try to oblige as he sneaks around the darkened room. NOW comes the time when the idea of a telepathic game of telephone is brilliantly birthed by ULRICH. ROLEN tells DICKTOES telepathically that he should be stealthy and that ULRICH sucks dicks. DICKTOES already knew this…. He tries sneaking but His rolls suck and he ends up hitting his shin on the corner of the bed frame making a ton of noise but the figure on the bed doesn’t move. The rest of the crew decides it’s safe to come up. ALDANNIS is last up the ladder and as a final fuck you to the crystal beth lab he decides to take a dumb in the hole. He really shoots that meth lab in the face with this move because it ends up starting a fire. The Crystal Beth lab is going up in flames and the room above starts to fill with smoke. After a bit more detective work (you are the worst detectives ever by the way) the four find out that this is the room of KLIMPTON GRIMSWALD because they found rows and rows of his business cards on the book shelf in the room. DICKTOES goes to pick up the staff on the ground and is shocked and takes damage. The crew then turn the body over to find VICTORY with three huge lumps on her head and she is KOed as fuck. ALDANNIS tries to eat out her ears (young love) but it has little effect. ROLEN is so pissed he decides to start breaking shit. Might as well since the place is on fire. He pulls down the book shelves holding the business cards to …..add tinder to the fire??? Or to just look like a fucking bad ass. It works both ways.

Now the crew heads out the door only to be met with 4 ONLYDONGS and a tall green ghost with long black claws. Smoke is pouring out of the lab and into the room at this point as the battle begins. The battle takes place in a hallway lined by doors on both sides (your own personal version of hell I guess) and the OD’s go in and out of the doors. Each time they go in a door they come out a completely different door which made battle mapping hard as shit and they change costumes, as you would have if you tried it more than once. ALDANNIS uses his turn at one point to save VICTORY from the fire (I think there is a natural and unplanned romance budding here…seriously)  And in his heroic moment he also decides to lay her body down in the middle of the fight, not just in the middle of the action but literally in the crossfire of the boss battle. Great thinking buddy. I hope to shit I am never in need of any of your help cuz I will probably end up with a natural wet willy, getting pissed on, and dropped off on the west side in a Klan uniform. Friends forever. Highlights of the battle also include DICKTOES nose knifeing an OD into a blood sprinkler (awesome band name) ALDANNIS shot something in the back of the head or

SHAKIRA gets in on the action as she bites one of the legs off the “ghost” and reveals it to be a stilt. Like the good dog she is she brings it back to you and lays it at your feet. This thunderwolf is a badass, so glad you saved her outside of everwatch castle. This ghost is taking some punishing blows and is very close to death. DICKTOES uses some godly magic sewage water spell that reminds everyone how bad ALDANNIS breath used to be and it fucks the ghost up big time. Blow by blow The OD’s fall ROLOEN hexed the shiz out of one of the OD’s and the group is very happy to have their warlock back.

In the end the medaling kids win the day as the “ghost” is unmasked to be KLIMPTON GRIMZWALD. He says “I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you medaling kids and your dog…..here have a business card”. He is taken away in a prison cart to TALIE Prison and will be locked away for a long time. Victory is conscious now watching everything she ever worked for go up in flames. Les Primus loves you dudes and wants to be like you when he grows up. He asks for a ride to the cliff’s of woe but you say no and he walks off sadly. ARIHALLIA tells you to look her up if you’re ever in TIST. MS GRIMZWALD doesn’t say much but thanks you for freeing her from KLIMPTON. JODI is so sad to see you go but he tells you if you ever want to work for the red x your more than welcome to join. He hugs you all. Richard GLICKMAN is nowhere to be found…????....???? I am sure he is ok.

SIDE NOTE:

I am working on the audio recap for this last part where the crew all talks to each of the DANA addicts and VICTORY. Give me a few more days to work on it and then put it here for the end.

Love you losers.

RECAP 29

Hey Losers,

Even though it was a quick evening we learned a lot about each of you. I have been doing much of the DMing sober lately or lightly buzzed whereas before I was getting smashed  Oddly I am having a much harder time remembering specific details and even some of the broader details. Like I don’t even remember if Boese was there and then I tricked myself to thinking he was but I knew he wasn’t. Maybe its early onset Alzheimer’s which would actually be cool for the game cuz then nothing would make any sense at all. Every night would be like Aldannis in the door puzzle. Anyway…….Lets Recap:

Victory Manor is a smoldering pile of ash. You’ve pretty much turned your backs on everyone there and have decided to head toward Pachelli Village. Prior to leaving you do speak with each of the people who stayed in Victory Manor who were very happy you “saved them from the fire” (they have no idea that you started it). You also have some hookups for later on, especially in TIST, Golden Oak, The Prison, the Cliffs of Woe, and the RED X. Plus Victory asks that yall come back in a year to see what she has done with the place. She hugs Ally-D close and whispers something in his ear. Natural wet Willy? We will never know…

You head out toward Pacheilli Village in search of RON to see if you can get any info about what the fuck happened in XC and hopefully learn a little more about the world around you. Plus it never hurts to put yourself in a room with someone who actually likes ALDANNIS. DICKTOES turns into sprinkle shits and starts to pull the heavy cart toward their destination. It’s a long haul but you see the village in the distance after a few long hours. You see smoke rising from the village and what once looked like a busy outpost now looks like a ghost town. The entrance road to Pachelli Village is gated, and the gate swings open in the wind. The surrounding forests are thick and very quiet. It’s the middle of the day and its getting hot.

SIDENOTE:

Rolen is now consistently MIA, I am getting a bit worried. He has been absyiming up quite a bit lately and sort of aloof. If I were yall I would start to think about why he is always missing. A once central part of the crew he is now about as reliable as Dana in a monogamy contest.. Maybe he needs an intervention….Think on that…..

After passing through the gate you see that this town is literally a shell of what it once was. The buildings are vacant, the townsfolk are all but gone and there is eeriness to how still everything is. Last time you were here you were significantly hungover but you remember it being a quite lively outpost with people milling about and the shops open. This time it’s like a ghost town in an old western. Then you see someone approaching. From the distance you can tell this is an old man in shoddy grey robes. He has a stick outpointed and is tick tacking it around the round and stepping very lightly. You call out to him and he doesn’t respond, just keeps slowing moving toward you. You call out again and this man is getting closer and closer but paying you no mind. ULRICH is afraid and decides to throw his axe at the man’s feet. The butt of the axe hits him in the shin and the man falls. He breaks his teeth on the ground and is bleeding. He moves his hands around trying to find his stick.

SIDE NOTE:

We also learned that ULRICH is possibly the most heartless lawful good person who ever lived. He has shown signs of his murderous horribleness but the outright disregard for human decency displayed in this week’s game was beyond compare. I am seriously thinking about changing your alignment because you have shown no lawful good characteristics at all. In fact I think of you more as chaotic good or even chaotic neutral with hints of evil. You’re like a lawful good sandwich with a side of evil and chaos minus the lawful good part. “Yeah I’ll have a number 4 with mustard and lettuce but instead of a number 4 can I have some horribleness and just outright murderous intent…oh yeah and pickles…thanks”  What the fuck man.

Another man this one much younger is now approaching you in the same way you call out to him and he freezes and is obviously petrified. You reassure him you are friends and the young man asks if you have seen his BLIND AND DEAF father. You say no. (You fucking heartless fucks)  The boy also asks you to sing to him at which point the worst barbershop triplet in history comes alive. The boy tells you that this town has been decimated by the BLINDERS. A group of three riders that have blinded everyone in the town except for RON, but they haven’t seen RON in a while (get it).

Sprinkle Shits decides to poop on their faces. I believe that he thought this would have a jebus effect and could perhaps cure them of their blindness. It doesn’t but they eat it up like it is cupcakes. They are even licking their fingers. They thank you for the meal cuz up to this they haven’t eaten anything. I guess you found out that sprinkle shits shits taste good to starving blind men. So you got that going for you now. If you ever need to bribe a starving blind man just give him some unicorn poo.

On to RON’s Bar. As you enter Sprinkle Shits turns back into DICKTOES and the three of you enter the bar. What was once a hopping place full of jumping and jiving and wailing now looks like a tornado hit it. There is rubbish everywhere. Among the debris you see a mirror apron that is torn and tattered. Big bill is nowhere to be found. In the middle of the destroyed room you see a large figure in a white suit stained with blood and grime. It looks as if his hands are tied but you don’t see a rope. ULRICH goes in the door and takes a quick left only to be clotheslined by an invisible thick chord. On the wall are 4 placks with various symbols of the sun in its power and under those placks is a small hole. On the floor are 4 chests placed under the placks which you finally decide to open. Inside of the boxes you find 4 jewels (diamond, ruby, topaz, and gold). You figure out the puzzle after trial and error and it seems like DICKTOES had the right idea all along, even though ULRICH kept trying to over complicate everything (the periodic element weight, the cycle of the lunar solstice, the weight of the gems, and the value on the current trading market…. These are all good ideas but a bit to advanced for my dumb ass. Maybe if you played with your MENSA buddies…)

It is here where we realize again that ALDANNIS hates puzzles. He hates all things puzzle-esk and can’t fucking stand even trying to help out. God FORBID you all are trapped and he has to free you with solving a puzzle. I THINK I KNOW WHAT SATURDAY IS GONNA BE!!! Solve the quest for one eyed willy by being absent from school and going to the cubs game in your friends dads porche while never feeding them after midnight and saving DATA from the fertellis. THERE WILLL BE NO MORE SIGNING NOT TO DAY NOT EVER!!!!

After freeing RON he gives you a bit more info on the BLINDERS. They came here a month ago and set this place ablaze. They have some type of awesome power that even he can’t defeat (remember RON is super powerful and isn’t something to fuck with). Yall check with the stone GIANT and there is considerable static, he says sup to RON and RON is super stoked you resurrected his old friend. He is a little amazed too. Obviously he has been out of the loop since the BLINDERS showed up. Regardless he tells you a bit about a visor relic and something about outpost nomad. It’s hard to hear.

What you do hear and see is there figures in golden robes heading toward the village on mammoth horses. RON tells you to hide under the bar and set the inviable chords back up. You all go under the bar to see the BLINDERs enter the BAR.

End.

So yeah I am sure I forgot shit. Help m fill in the horribleness you did. Just as an FYI the blinders love puzzles. So ALLY-D be prepared. Also how can you not like goonies? I know it’s not the best thing in the world but it’s fucking better than robotic.

Love you all. Hope to see you Saturday.

Lastly, how you digging everything so far? Any ideas for improvement or other things you would like to try to do? Is it getting old? Do you want to fight more/less/ whatever? Tell me what you would like to do and I can start working in more cool shit. I have ideas for a pirate themed adventure, a jailhouse thing, a trial part, a game of chance thing, and even a card game thing where you actually have to play against the NPCs.

I was gonna get all of your characters drawn for Christmas from an artist friend but he douched out. I guess it’s up to us to make things so that we remember this stupid game.

Nerds-

 

First, I think I was in the right by preemptively incapacitating the hooded old man that kept coming closer. Need I remind you of the last old man we encountered in the temple of the faceless goddess. Who knows what potential threat he could have been so a few busted teeth was well worth it. We reunited the young kid with him before we went to the bar. Remember he did this gay tapping thing on the old man’s back that brought him so much joy blah blah blah. Second, it was a Ferrari not a Porsche. Third, Aldanis was clotheslined by the wire. I was short enough to inspect all the plaques without hitting the wires. Fourth, I think doing my puzzles/games that require us to interact with NPCs would be super sweet! Ned had a magical gold comb that Elvira needs to comb her bewitched hair that she got tangled in the magical lock that holds the wardrobe of fairy tutus that we need in order to fly up to the mountain giants lair, but Ned won’t give us the comb unless we beat him in a game of Rock Paper Scissors. If we fail then we can obtain a particular flower that only Sheila the whore knows where to acquire in order to bribe Ned. Unfortunately, Sheila will only reveal the locate if she is given the most amazing orgasm. This can only be achieved by successfully group fucking her in a particular order and bringing her to full climax. For example.

RECAP 30

Hey losers

NIGHT 30! Thirty nights of this shit. Holy moley

Ok. So I have put this off cuz of all the other BS I have going on and I have passed the point of membering much of what happened. Usually I can piece it together pretty well but I am drawing blanks like a mo fo. Also I think I was a better DM when I was drinking a bunch so I am planning on pregamming for this weeks night so that I can be half in the bag at the start and then get progressivily worse as the night goes on. I remember some of the big stuff, and I member how much everyone loved the great puzzles (Dan). SO as always fill in the points I missed. Another item of discussion that needs to be addressed is the recent MIA status of ROLEN. I think we should address this in game, maybe after you get out of this weird building made of light. Either way let’s get this recap going…….

The night begins in the basement of RONS bar as the three of you cower under the floorboards. There was never any intention of staying and fighting and you took RONS word when he told you that the BLINDERS are too powerful to take on when they are together but you may be able to pick them off (no not jerk them off even though I am sure you will try it, hey maybe that’s how they became BLINDERS?!?!?!?!?). As you sit in the basement looking up you hear the door open with a loud burst. The room is bathed in very bright light and RON vocally groans at the presence of these three BLINDERS.

“WHERE ARE THEY, we know they are near.”  The BLINDERS are looking for the 4 who destroyed Xavier City, and they are serious about it. RON says he has no idea what the fuck they are talking about in a very ANN FRANK in the attic scene. It’s at that moment when the crew realizes they have made a huge mistake. Their cart is sitting outside with the screw arm relic inside. Shit. Yall might have well just put pictures of yourself on the cart with your address and home phone number plus a link to your Instagram cuz this cart is like a calling card to kill all calling cards. It’s made of fucking FUGAZI stone dudes. The realization of this came at the same time for all of the adventures hiding under the floor of RONS bar and it was a beautiful SHIT THE BED moment. It’s almost like you all craped your pants at the prom at the same time and realized you will have to sit in it through the whole rest of the night. IT was awesome.

The BLINDERS don’t fuck around and they start to torture RON all set to the soundtrack of “STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU”. To his credit he doesn’t say shit. RON is fucking solid as balls and didn’t give you up. He has been tortured before and tied up for god knows how long but this dude hasn’t said shit to the BLINDERS about you. Apparently your worth saving (although I am sure there are a number of people you have met so far that would disagree….ROSE AND GENE, the mirror man you tried to rape, the blind man who you de-toothed and fed shit to, the little dying garbage child who you stole hot pants from……so many people.)

The BLINDERS then say “If you won’t tell us where they are we will make them come to us”. They cut out RONS tongue and it falls through the floor boards and onto the dirt at your feet. ALDANNIS picks up the forked dragon tongue up as if it was free weed (ALDANNIS has so much random shit in his bag.  I think he still has the matches from the first night Dan if you can get me a list of all the rando shit you have in your bag it would be great.  I’ll make a puzzle for you around that idea.

The BLINDERS take RON and the FUGAZI STONE CART and hit the road. You hesitantly leave your hiding place and look around for some clues or something. You find a bottle of 500 proof spirit which was RONS special shit. DICKTOES takes the jewels and now has 4 bars of gold, 4 rubys, 4 diamonds, and 4 topaz (what the fuck is ya gonna do with TOPAZ?)  The crew decides to leave and follow the BLINDERS. As they leave the bar it is hot as shit outside, mid-day. They look around and very obviously see the tracks from the FUGAZI stone cart leading out of PACHELLI VILLAGE and to the west toward the river. The crew looks around for any signs of life even asking to go to the LIBRARY but it burned down so the only thing they see is the old blind man and his son. They both needed some food and you were kind enough not to shit in their mouths but rather give them some jerky. The blind man pulls ALDANNIS close and whispers into his ear and gives him something.

WHY IS IT that you fuckers don’t ever talk to each other about what is going on. SERIOUSLY it would have helped if you would have said “WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT”. Dan could say none of your beeswax or he could be like he gave me an EYE. It would have solved the puzzle in like a minuet. I am not sure why 4 people who have been through the worst things possible together barely talk to each other about shit, you guys will talk for hours about how to go in a river but you never really check in with each other to see what the fuck is going on. SORRY that was a side note.

You follow the tracks toward the river and have a very long conversation about whether or not you are going to jump in, float down, use a reed snorkel, etc. Someone actually has the bright idea to check and see if there is something in the water or if the water is made of poison zombie piss or something. You see a huge river monster that is so big it takes up the whole of the river. Good thing you didn’t go for a swim. That battle was gonna be awesome cuz you would all be at triple disadvantage if you stayed in the water.

You arrive at a very strange structure made of light. Each of the buildings (3) get larger in sequence starting with a small cottage whose entrance is a wooden door. Besides checking to see if there cart is even here (you never checked the tracks once you saw the buildings) you go so out of character norms by blasting through the wooden door. Inside you find two sleeping bug bears chained to the wall. On the far end is a metal door. DICKTOES sneaks past the sleeping bugbears as do the rest of you and you go through the metal door. . Inside you find two sleeping bug bears chained to the wall. On the far end is a metal door. You wake the bug bears and fight them. They go down easy and you go through the metal door. . Inside you find two sleeping bug bears chained to the wall. On the far end is a metal door. THIS is where the wheels fall off as you fuckers keep going through the metal door or opening both doors to see if you can see each other and then ULRICH is going crazy trying to say that the metal door is a wooden door cuz it’s a half metal and half wood door. Finally you solve the puzzle and exit through the entrance.

You now find yourselves in a small stone room with faces on the wall and a chest on the floor. The faces end up saying THE ANSWER IS IN FIG. F. I.  G.  F.  EYE. G. After trying to glory hole a few of the faces old ally d puts HADRONS eye in the chest. The BLINDERS mask comes to the ground and then comes alive and you all get your fight on. It’s a rough battle and damage is dealt all over. The BLINDER rolled very shitty and had his hands stuck to the wall for a good portion of the battle but he did some damage as well. In the end you may need some healing before moving forward but you survive. The BLINDER is on his last few breaths as you unmask him. His face has no eyes, nose, or mouth. No one asks a question, no one even fucking thinks about it. But ALDANNIS in his newly found action heroness and his awesome rolling throughout the night gave him the big old salty balls to say “YOUR FUTURE ISN”T LOOKING SO BRIGHT ANYJMORE” and he thwaps an arrow right in the middle of this things face. Before the BLINDER dies he says “I would have told you sooooo much USUEFUL information, like why we wanted to have you follow us here and why we are looking for you and who we are and what our overall deal is….” He dies.

This is where you are gents.

Hope to see yall tomorrow. I understand if you can’t make it cuz new years and shit. I have a puzzle that might be kind of hard to do but I think I can do it with facetime and skype cuz yall gonna have to split up. We will see.

LOVE YOU-

RECAP 31