Recap 1- Puzzler's Game

Recap 1 (New DM, New Recap Count)

Holy Shit! You guys are the worst! I finally understand why Colin hates us. As disorganized as I was, I had almost everything scripted out until you decided to throw wrench after wrench after wrench into every aspect of this mini-campaign. I love you fucks, but shiiiiiiiii… With that being said, I’m glad that we got started with this campaign! Let’s begin.

After an epic night of partying our fucking balls off (imagine trodnon time 50 sans the plum wine but way more soil vomit), the group awakens to the smell of sweet, beautiful, savory, aromatic bacon wafting around their pounding heads. Dicktoes is the first to make his way towards the enticing smell. He sees a seemingly unaffected Ulrich wearing only an frilly apron and a huge smile working the skillet at Jenny’s bar like a fucking short order cook at a Greek breakfast joint. Dicktoes apparently thinks he can cook better than Ulrich, and comendeers the skillet. At that same time, Aldanis, completely unaware of the goings on of last night, makes his way to the kitchen. Ulrich and Dicktoes fill him in on the end of the race, and the debauchery that followed. It is agreed that given the struggles the group faced in the Kingbringer race, they should enlist the help of more allies as they continue on their ever-increasingly difficult quest to destroy Carvis. Ulrich then pulls out the tin whistle that Brohem gave him, and rocks out better than the fife player in Jethro Tull.

Upon hearing this beckoning call, Brohem rushes towards the bar and bursts through the door. After finishing his obnoxiously long introduction, Brohem helps himself to the irresistible bacon, and even stashes some away for later. He presumably is attempting to make his satchel as putrid as Aldanis’. He then inquires as to the needs of his allies, and the reason for their call. Ulrich explains that the group has agreed that his presence and skills would be greatly needed in the upcoming battles. Ulrich slides Brohem a shot, and says “let’s kill morally reprehensible beings together!” Brohem heartily agrees, and is eager to start the cleansing. The group slams back their shots and chasers.

Before anything else is addressed, attention is turned back to Aldanis and his ramshackled appearance. While he is now fully healed and his wounds are no longer visible (some powerful heals by dicktoes), he is just as foul looking and especially smelling as ever. Dried fleshy bits, blood, vomit, shit, piss, and the crustiest layer of dried cum (mostly from last night) cover his body. He looks like those stray dogs that have the mange and what’s left of their fur is all clumped together (hot!). Dicktoes foolishly suggested to him to take a shower, and Aldanis flat out rejects that preposterous idea. Ulrich says to him to at least freshen up, and tosses him a moist towelette. Aldanis carefully removes the damp cloth from the wrapper so that none of its cleaning juices touch him, and looks at it suspiciously. He decides to oblige his companions, but on his terms. Fucking stubborn-ass Aldanis. He slowly reaches his hands under his mesh tank top, and caresses his nipples with the towelette until they are glistening. His nipples are almost blinding to look at through his shirt in sharp contrast to the rest of his grubby-looking ass. Somewhat defeated, Aldanis retreats to his room to pout like a little bitch.

At that same time, Jenny makes her way into the kitchen to check if we need anything. Dicktoes gives her some pathetic line (worse than the failed attempt to flirt with the waitress at Hooters), and indicates to the group that he fucked her the night before. Jenny wearily looks at all of us, and say “I friend-zoned his sorry ass years ago”. After checking that everything was kosher downstairs, Jenny make her way to her office. Before closing the door, she looks back over her shoulder at Dicktoes, and rubs and then smacks her ass as seductively as a 400 lb woman can. As the cellulite undulates under her too tight yoga pants, a coy smile appears on her face, and a bulge appears in Dicktoes’ pants. Once the door to Jenny’s office is closed, Ulrich and Brohem stare at each other in a disappointed but unsurprised way, and slam back another shot. “I won’t get that image out of my mind anytime soon” declares Brohem. Ulrich nods, and, in an attempt to steer the conversation away from fat fucking, says that he has several errands to run in Respit today. One in particular might be of interest to the group. Brohem and Dicktoes say that they’re pretty much up for anything so Ulrich makes his way to Aldanis’ room to coax him out.

The still upset Aldanis suspiciously cracks open the door, and asks what Ulrich wants. Ulrich explains to him that it would be in Aldanis’ interest to come with him today while he runs his errands. Aldanis digs his heels in, and tells Ulrich “why would I want to come with you? So I can help with your laundry or go grocery shopping?” Ulrich, already annoyed with the petulance Aldanis has been exhibiting tells him to “shut the fuck up, and get your ass out here! It’s not like you have anything better to do.” Aldanis begrudgingly agrees, and the foursome makes their way through the streets of Respit.

The group meanders seemingly aimlessly through narrow streets and back alleys of Respit past strips of dilapidated shops and vacant storefronts until they reach a structure that looks out of place amongst all the other buildings. It is one of the few buildings that they have come across that is completely detached from all the other building around it. Additionally, its facade is sterile and utilitarian in appearance with no adornments to the flat concrete colored stone. A few small windows dot the upper floors, and the only other feature to this structure is a monolithic slab that seems to be the door. To the groups astonishment, Dicktoes recognizes the artistic styling of the building as that of Art Stucco’s, a well-known architect from early part of whatever century we currently are in.

Sidenote: I was planning on giving the background info on where we were going while we were walking to the shop, but we got sooooooo off-track that I completely forgot. Plus I was not properly pacing my weed smoking, but I’m blaming you fucks mostly.

Ulrich approaches the door, and performs an elaborate series of knocks on various parts of the door that seem to follow no pattern. The door begins to retract upward, and brilliant white light pours through the opening. It’s daytime and it’s still bright as shit looking into the doorway. The door fully opens, and the party is completely bathed in an overwhelming glow. As your eyes adjust, you realize that you are staring into the most sterile, minimalistic store you have ever seen. The entire store is aglow with some sort of enchantment that makes everything emanate a white light. Except for various sized glowing cubes on the floor and walls, glass shelves, and a counter in the back of the store, the space is relatively devoid of anything. You do notice that above the counter there is a neon looking sign that says “GUY’S” in bold capital letters, and the slogan “I got what you need” in smaller italicized characters below it. There is also a door behind the counter that almost blends into the wall. You realize that random items seem to appear on different surfaces throughout the store, and then vanish after a certain amount of time only to be replaced by a different object.

Your attention is diverted from the mesmerizing look of this store to the back counter where you hear a voice in a slightly annoyed tone saying “...yes, yes. I’m fully aware of the needs of your master, and you can assure him that everything will be…” The conversation is cut off abruptly when the person that is speaking realizes that someone has entered the shop. You notice a frail looking gnome come around the back of the counter towards you, and a spritely forest gnome dash almost imperceptibly through the back door. The gnome that is approaching the group has a look of surprise on his face since very few people know how to enter the store without being let in. Before there is even a chance to exchange introductions, Brohem and Dicktoes attempt to pursue the fleeing forest gnome for no apparent reason.

Sidenote: Seriously, what the fuck!?!?!?!? There was zero justification for anything close to the response that you guys had to this encounter. It easily took twice as long to get out of this shop once you decided to become the racist cops of Twofourtheen. Oh, he was running? Let’s chase him down and kill him!

Ulrich attempts to dissuade Brohem from running after him. He puts his arm out to halt Brohem, but due to the height difference, Ulrich ends up just cupping his junk. This seems to distract Brohem and he stops his charge. Dicktoes is continuing to barrel towards the back door. Meanwhile, the gnome is completely flabbergasted by what he is seeing, and he looks at Ulrich, the only person that he recognizes, and yells “what’s going on here!”  Ulrich yells out to Dicktoes to stop, but Dicktoes being Dicktoes obviously doesn’t comply. Seeing some random dude with a fucked up face sprinting through the shop is all the reason the gnome needs to activate the state of the art security system installed in the store. The gnome pulls out a key fob from his back pocket, and presses a button. Immediately, all the light in the room turns from a pure white to a nauseating blood red, a piercing alarm sounds, and all the items in the store disappear. Just as Dicktoes makes it near the back door, metal slats shoot up from the floor, and encircle him. The slats extend up into the ceiling, and you see electricity arcing between them. Dicktoes, apparently strengthened by electricity (make a fucking character sheet!), repeatedly strikes the slats in a furious rage, but to no avail. Seeing his comrade trapped, Brohem takes out his sword, and slashes at the metal slats causing zero damage to them. Brohem takes 1 point of electrocution damage (I rolled like shit the whole fucking night!) in the process. Seeing his strike was ineffective, Brohem decides to stop his futile attack on the slats. I have no idea what Aldanis is doing at this time. I presume trying to run away.

Seeing a break in the fucking insanity, Ulrich attempts again to calm everyone. He explains that this is the gnome that we are meeting with, and that the other gnome was probably just trying to run errands as well. It’s a Monday, people got shit to do! He then introduces the party to Guy Finkleschmit, a gnome of certain reputation that Ulrich has worked closely with for many years*. Guy is very clearly on edge, and it takes some convincing for Ulrich to calm him. During this explanation, Dicktoes makes it very clear that he has no interest in who this gnome is, and begins to count aloud all the metal slats surrounding him. Ulrich asks Guy to turn off the security system, and he dutifully obliges. Guy has been referring to Ulrich as “sir” while keeping a slightly hunched bow while in his presence (this guy would kill his own kin if Ulrich asked after all the gold he has earned through their partnership). Ulrich apologizes for the behavior of his “friends”. Guy is still very suspicious of Brohem and Dicktoes, and is side-eying them as Ulrich inquires about the item his is picking up. Guy immediately changes his tone, and addresses Ulrich as if the others were invisible.

“Of course, Sir Ulrich! I’m excited to present to you the item you requested. It truly is the

greatest specimen of its kind! You won’t be disappointed. If you would follow me to the

back, sir, I will walk you through all of its functions.”

Guy escorts Ulrich to the back towards the door, and as he is about to exit Ulrich turns to the group and tells them to buy something to make up for being “huge fucking assholes”.

 Sidenote:  It was agreed that money is meaningless in Twofourtheen, and we basically have infinite wealth. Colin didn’t like this, but he’s not the DM anymore!

 You hear Guy and Ulrich talking in the back room while the three of you peruse the shifting stock of miscellaneous items in the store. Each of you come across an item that you find irresistible, as though it speaks to your very soul (or I just had you roll for a random item I had on a list).

Aldanis, for the first time in about an hour actually did something in game. He receives two pairs of plaid bell bottom pants**. Dicktoes finds this really nicely crotcheted handmade scarf***, and Brohem is clearly suppressing some dark urges based on his purchase of a strand of anal beads****. Each item was brought to the counter where it was magically boxed and gift wrapped. As the three complete their transactions, you hear Guy finishing up his overview of Ulrich’s item. Ulrich returns to the group with a large gift wrapped box of his own. Guy immediately heads to the register to see what, if anything, was purchased. You hear him mumble under his breath about the interesting choices made by the three. As he scans down to the totals, you see his posture straighten, his shoulders relax, and a subtle smirk come across his face. Guy looks at all of you, and says:

“Gentleman, I hope you are satisfying with your purchases. You all have a keen eye for

quality. It was an awfully unfortunate way for us to start off with such a

misunderstanding. Many of my clients prefer discretion when conducting business. I am

sure we will all look back at this and laugh! If there is anything else I may do for you then

all you need is ask.”

Ulrich cuts him off otherwise he would go on and on with well purchased platitudes and niceties. “Thanks you, Guy. We will be in touch” as he ushers the group out the door, and our eyes adjust to the reality that is the festering cesspool known as Respit.

Sidenote: These roles worked out amazingly well! I was losing my shit when Colin rolled the anal beads! Would have been nice if it wasn’t just Colin and me coming up with ideas. Just sayin’.

 We make our way back to Jenny’s bar, and she immediately takes note of Aldanis’ new attire. As she begins to lick her lips like she’s about to devour a filet, Aldanis nervously adjusts his pants only to make her more aroused. He looks at Dicktoes in dread imagining becoming Eskimo brothers with him. Ulrich asks if any of those private rooms that the racers were using are available, and Jenny’s transfixed stare is broken as she annoyingly gestures towards one of the curtain partitions. We enter the haremesque looking room filled with rugs, pillows, and a low circular table in the center. There is a bell that can be used to get the attention of our dutiful bartender as well. Ulrich instructs all of you to “get comfy because things are about to get weird.”  We all settle in around the table sitting criss cross applesauce, and Aldanis rolls a fat grape blunt with a honey dipped tip. About the only useful thing he’s done all day! Wait, looking back at my notes- the ONLY thing useful he’s done all day. We ask Jenny for some beer, and to light some nag champa. Once we are all relaxed smoking and drinking, Ulrich unveils his new toy. All of you gaze in amazement over his top of the line, state of the art Puzzler’s Globe*****. This particular one has a hexagonal ivory base carved with geometric designs, and two angular handles coming out of the base from opposing sides that connect to a smaller hexagon that is resting on the top of the globe. When held up to the light, the globe itself has small swirling iridescent clouds randomly moving within. There is a small golden plaque on one of the sides of the base that says “Fun for ALL Ages!”, and “Vigorously Rub to Begin” below it. The other 5 sides have a single red button on each. I made it perfectly clear that all of you would be familiar with this object regardless of whether you have ever played with one, or ever seen one before. Ulrich tells everyone that the basic format to this particular globe will be a maze. “Ok, shitheads, lets rub this bitch, and get to playing! I’ll be the guide and the rest of you will get to be the adventurers.” Ulrich does as the plaques says, and vigorously rubs the globe. The swirls begin to move rhythmically around inside the globe, and a monotone voice emanates from within:

“I am Wanko the Warlock. Thank you for purchasing one of my product. I guarantee

hours of safe fun for all players. Please enjoy the many other Wanko products available

after completing this one. They are equally unique and engaging with a variety of prizes

Inside. Until next time. Goodbye.”

The buttons on each side of the globe light up, and Ulrich tells you to press your button to begin.

As soon as you press your button, you feel as though you are being drawn into the globe. In a swirl of blue colored smoke you are immediately transported onto a circular teleportation pad with blue glowing runes written on it. You realize you’re in a perfectly manicured meadow with a clear blue sky overhead. In front of the teleportation pad is a meticulously placed cobblestone path approximately 20 feet wide that continues North into a huge stone structure. The stone structure is made with precisely hewn pieces that fit together without any sign of tool marks. The structure is 50 feet high, and continues both to the East and West until it is obscured by a fog of pure white pillowy clouds. There is a pleasant breeze, and the faint smell of cover hangs in the air. As you look down at yourselves, you realize that you are wearing these weird jumpsuits that don’t have any seems, buttons, or zippers. You are also without your weapons and any other belongings. You then see Ulrich’s face appear taking up nearly the entire sky. He smiles down at all of you and tells you that “you’re going to have so much fun!”  His face then disappears.

Completely unnerved by this foreign environment and Ulrich’s giant head, Aldanis does what he does best- freaks the fuck out and runs hysterically towards the fog. As he presses into the fog, it becomes more and more solid, and it feels like he’s being hugged by one of those ridiculously large stuffed animals. He can’t go any farther, and Brohem grabs him by the collar to bring him back to the group. He then attempts to get naked for some reason, but he is unable to remove his jumpsuit. The group finally calms Aldanis down, and decides to head down the cobblestone path into the stone structure.

Once you enter the hallway, you see that it is lined with these beautiful mirrored shield-like sculptures with various metals and ornamentations on them. Each sculpture has a polished mirrored surface in the center and the sides are multifaceted and angle back from the center. Dicktoes decides to take one off the wall to keep, and the rest follow suit. Brohem removes one of the cobblestones and it immediately returns to its place once he lets go of it. After a tedious discussion about substrates for paving material, Brohem removes another stone, and quickly grabs some stone screenings from beneath before it returns to its place. He takes the screenings Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade style, and tosses them down the hall. Nothing happens, and a swift breeze pushes passed you and sweeps the screenings from the path. You finally try to walk down the fucking hallway, and once you get to the first intersection, you hear this loud music and two gaseous spheres approximately 5’ in diameter float towards you. One form is a bright blue color with a small orb swirling inside of it, and the other is a deep red color with a similar red orb inside. You roll for initiative, and Aldanis gets to attach first. Instead of trying to be anything but the coward he is, he sprints blindly down the hallway East towards the unknown abandoning his friends. He finally stops at the next intersection, and builds up enough courage by slapping himself repeatedly in the face to rejoin the fight. The other two have remarkable suffered no damage due to my fucking awful rolling even after both monsters blast at them with corresponding Ice and Fire Blasts. Dicktoes comes up with an idea to use his shield to press the Fire monster into the Ice monster. They try to repel each other like two positively magnetized poles, but Dicktoes is able to muscle them together so that the two orbs in the center of each touch. Both take damage, and the diameter of the cloud around each gets smaller. After all sorts of stupid shit (I need to finish this so I won’t go into detail), The Ice monster critically fails on its ice blast against Brohem, and the shot bounces off the center of his shield, and ricochets to hit the Fire monsters orb deadcenter. The blast completely destroys the Fire monster, and the explosion of fire that follows envelops the Ice monster destroying it as well. As soon as you get out of combat, you hear the music again, and two more monsters appear from around the corner.

* Ulrich and Guy have worked closely with organizing many of the festivities that take place during Dwarvish Pride Month. Sacramento Brew Co. is a primary sponsor for the festival, and enlists Finkleschmit to provide party favors, festive baubles, and colorful beads for all the gatherings that the brewery hosts (which is the majority). Guy makes an absolute killing every year due to this partnership. Though the items purchased for these events are nothing too out of the ordinary, Guy does possess a great deal of valuable and very expensive items that he is willing to part with for the right client and price.

** Two pairs of Wild & Crazy Pants- 2 equally awful looking pairs of plaid bell bottom pants, one with various blues, and one with greys,browns, and beiges. These pants fit as though they were perfectly tailored for whoever wears them (think sisterhood of the travelling pants). Your ass and crotch have never looked so good!

Individually, the pants will distract your opponent causing them to roll at a disadvantage at the start of an encounter (first roll only).

If both wearers of the pants are next to each other, the pair can team up for an ultimate attack. The pair will begin to spastically gyrate allowing them to roll at advantage (each person rolls, and the highest roll counts for both) due to the confusion of all that plaid moving around. They will then forcibly thrust into their opponent causing blunt force trauma due to their perfectly packaged packages. You each deal 4d4 + str (8d4 total) damage, and the opponent is incapacitated for their next attack.

They must be next to each other, and the attack will take place during the character’s turn that goes last. The character that has the higher initiative roll will delay his attack in the round.

*** Grandmas scarf- A crochet scarf that adds +5 charisma. Grandmas scarf always gets compliments. Everyone asks “is that homemade” and the user says “it is. My grandma made it”. Instantly the other person is transfixed with sweetness and is willing to be swayed by the user. It is shit in battle and super flammable. It can be taken on and off with ease.

It could also be used to heal small  cuts and gashes for 5 hp. Can only be used 3 times in combat and must be washed after or it loses its charisma plus.

**** Sex Beads of Veracity- For use with your sexual partner so when you ask “do you like it?”, they will be compelled to tell you the truth. Can also be used in interrogations. These absolutely beautiful iridescent beads are actually extremely rare meteorites of various size and shape (adds to the pleasure). These meteorites are seen streaking through the skies north of Kelvin’s Wall, and once in a generation someone will stumble upon one of them on this side of the wall. The possessors of even a single meteorite have been overcome with truthfulness, and are known throughout history to be some other most upstanding citizens in all of Twofourtheen. This entire strand will force even the most evil and diabolical being to tell the truth. External use works to a lesser degree than if used internally. 100% success if used rectally, 75% if used in any other orifice. 50% if it’s only touching. Roll 2d10 for successful roll.

***** Puzzler’s Globes are essential the game counsels of Twofourtheen. They are modified soul jars that have specific rules and a means to escape. The quality of these globes vary from shitty games like the old Tiger Electronics handheld baseball game all the way to the PS 4. Higher end globes use what is essentially a game cartridge that allows the owner to play different types of puzzles. All puzzles can only be beaten once, and typically yield a prize (magic items, gold & jewels, maps, hidden secret documents, etc.)

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